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Review by Lone Wolf: The Iron Woman

Title: The Iron Woman

Author: Felicity_West2019

Reviewer: GryffindorsLoneWolf

Summary: 3/5

Your summary is pretty decent, but it feels like it's lacking in suspense. Build it with small descriptions of the character, or with something drastic happening.

Grammar: 3/5

There weren't many errors I could see (they tend to jump out at me whenever I'm reading a story). You seemed to use ellipses too many times in some sentences. Ellipses are good at showing at showing hesitation and nervousness but if they're used too much, it takes away the

However, when you're writing dialogue tags, use a comma instead of a period. 

"Oh, hey... Mom," I said nervously. 

The other thing I noticed was that you use numbers when describing time or age. Usually, writers write out the number. 

About twenty minutes later, he pulled up and I hopped in. 

Try to make sure to keep your verb tenses all the same. I think you've written most of your story with past tense. There was one sentence I found where you hadn't (usually -ed indicated past tense, -s indicates present).

Peter laughed while I smiled. When we arrived at the house, I could tell something seemed off. I held out a hand to indicate to wait.

The door was open.

Character Building: 2/5

It's easy to remember the characters like how they were in the movies. But the point of a fanfiction is to take those characters and put them in a world that you build. I understand if you're working off of the movies.

But not describing the characters and telling their emotions doesn't help the reader understand what's going on. Did Maya get a jolt when the reporter asked her about her dad? Was Peter's chest warm and beating frantically when Maya lay next to him?

The dialogues are good at showing that they're all very close to each other. But they're just dialogue most of the time. What are their facial expressions? What kind of emotions do they seem to speak with? Things like that can shape a character ten times better than just writing out, I said this and He did that.

Writing Style: 2/5

Your style consists of a lot of dialogues, with absolutely little to no descriptions. The dialogues themselves don't have a tag with them, so in scenes with multiple characters, it makes it hard to understand who's who.

I understand that people know the Marvel universe, but not describing the characters makes it harder to see the scene. Play with emotions in the dialogues. Shape the characters how you want and the whole story will come together.

You tell a lot in your story. They did this. I did that. I tweaked the ending of chapter five above to see if it sounded better, without the short, choppy sentences. I like how you didn't have run-ons, but having short sentences over and over again can make it look redundant.

Plot + Originality: 3/5

I really liked how you took time to show how the characters were with each other. Maya's very close to her family and she's probably terrified of losing them. The plot wasn't too fast, or too slow.

But there needs to be descriptions. You're writing in the first person POV, and it makes it a lot easier to write about the emotions of the MC and what she sees. Maybe it's Peter's hair, and how he's always got bedhead. Maybe it's Morgan's impish grin. I think by adding descriptions and lessening the amount of dialogue, it'll really help your story!

OVERALL SCORE: 13/25