Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Sunshine Down the Rabbit Hole

Title: Down the Rabbit Hole

Author: KayoriStrawberry

Summary: [no score – will not be added to final score]

You've chosen to use an excerpt from your story as your summary, meaning that it's quite difficult to score. That being said, I think you've chosen a pretty great excerpt – it introduces the concept and Alice seamlessly. Just be careful: if you're going to use an excerpt from your story, make sure it is polished. This means that proper nouns should be capitalised, there should be appropriate spacing after punctuation, and spelling (words such as 'dangerous) needs to be accurate. More on this in the next section. 

Grammar: 1.5/5

In all honesty, this is where you need the most work because, unfortunately, it did start to impact the fluency of your writing. But, don't worry – I'm here to break it down for you.

First of all, whenever you use a punctuation mark – a full-stop, comma, question mark, or exclamation mark – you must have a space after that punctuation. For example:

The gentle fragrance of flowers fills her nostrils.Her beautiful hair...

It should be:

The gentle fragrance of flowers fills her nostrils. Her beautiful hair...

Next, let's talk about dialogue. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"You're down here in Neverland" the doctor replies.

You must have punctuation before the closing inverted commas. It should be:

"You're down here in Neverland," the doctor replies.

Speaking of dialogue, if more than a single character is speaking, their dialogue should be in separate paragraphs. For example:

"Who are you little girl?" he spoke in a slow voice filled with curiosity. "I'm Alice and who are you sir?" she asked, starring at the man in black as he walked up to her.

There are a few issues with that example above. You're missing commas, you've mixed up 'staring' with 'starring', and two characters are speaking in one paragraph. It should be:

"Who are you, little girl?" he said is a slow voice filled with curiosity.

"I'm Alice, and who are you, sir?" she asked, staring at the man in black as he walked up to her.

Next, apostrophes. You only need an apostrophe if you are using a contraction or if you are using a possessive term. So, in the following example:

As he free's himself completely from the tree bark.

It should just be 'frees'. Additionally, the sentence is not a complete sentence – it is not an independent clause.

Finally, you have many spelling errors, run-on sentences, sentences that don't begin in capital letters, proper nouns that aren't capitalised, and incomplete sentences. I suggest revising the story and polishing up the grammar. 

Characterisation: 2.5/5

Poor Alice! She's so sweet, innocent and small – and honestly, it works perfectly for the story. Because she's so young, it makes sense that she's terrified of basically everything that happens, and it makes the reader sympathise with her because we can't help but pity with her. She's got such a big heart, deciding to be selfless and search for the key (though, it could mean her escape, too!). I hope she develops to be a bit tougher and steelier after witnessing the horrors.

For the sake of realism, I'd consider slowing down the pace to really flesh out her character more. Does she miss home? Does she wonder what everyone is thinking in her absence? It'll make the situation feel more real, and make the stakes seem bigger.

So far, with only seven chapters published, we don't know too much about the other characters yet. Personally, I don't trust the doctor – just the glimpse of his grin is enough to make me suspicious. If he turns out to be bad, that's a good use of foreshadowing.

Be careful of showing and not telling. For example:

She has never been so afraid before.

Flesh this out for us. What did she feel? Did her blood turn cold? Did her stomach churn? Make us feel her fear – that will make your story more immersive.

Writing Style: 2.5/5

Your descriptions were certainly a highlight for me! I loved that, even though you incorporated images, you still took time out to really describe the setting – I adored seeing the colourful glass, the dust, the golden doors, and the broken tiles. Well done!

The descriptions also help show the stakes at hand, and I like that you didn't hold back with the creepy and gory elements. For example, with the doctor telling Alice the story, I was glad you slowed it down to show the reader the breaking bones and smell of flesh rather than just saying 'death happened'.

I do suggest taking it a step further. When we see fingers going in eyeballs, describe the sound – the horrible, wet squelch. And don't forget to use metaphor, simile, and personification to make your writing even more rich with literary devices.

Also, as I mentioned above, your grammar made it very difficult to immerse myself into the writing. The particular issue you had that made the reading less fluent was the tenses. You keep switching back and forth between past and present tense, and this is incredibly jarring for the reader. For example:

She's only 9 years old at the time i'm telling you this tale,but she didn't know that her boring life will take a turn very soon.

Let's break that down:

She's only 9 years old... [she is = present tense]

... she didn't know that... [didn't = past tense]

... will take a turn very soon. [will = present tense]

Here is what it should be, assuming you're choosing past tense:

She was only nine years old at the time, but she didn't know that her boring life would take a turn very soon. 

Plot + Originality: 3.5/5

I love the premise and the creepy elements within the story. I hope that the strange things that I've noticed in the story are just moments of foreshadowing that will eventually add up – such as the mysterious boy knowing her name.

So far, the plot is taking a very clear direction. Alice falls in, meets the doctor, decides to search for the key – and now she is faced with madness and gore. I love how bizarre each moment feels, as it works very well with the 'Alice in Wonderland' energy where everything is a little surreal and bordering into madness – great job and maintaining that!

Overall, your chapters are very, very short. I don't usually have an issue with chapter lengths, however, each chapter should have a clear build-up, and there should be a shift in mood throughout the chapter. Since your chapters are so short, there was a lack of that build through each chapter, and yet, almost every chapter ended with a climax anyways – with the doctor reaching for her (only to open a door, as revealed in the next chapter), and then the next chapter ending with him mentioning that the price is a her soul.

In general, it's very jumpy. There's a climax, then it quickly goes back to lacking tension, then the tension is amped up again. I think there needs to be a bit more of a build, and this can be done by lengthening your chapters, choosing appropriate chapter endings, and fleshing out each moment.

OVERALL SCORE: 10/20

Overall, a very fascinating premise with some great elements of gore and horror. I suggest fixing up your grammar and punctuation as a start, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps! I'm sorry you didn't get the reviewer you initially requested – El is very busy right now, hence why I'm trying to clear out her list. I hope that's not too much of an issue!