Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Sunshine: She's Beautiful and Mine

Title: She's Beautiful and Mine

Author: queenred0312

Summary: 5/5

Your summary doesn't follow the traditional style, where it introduces the protagonist, the conflict, and the stakes. That being said, I think your summary is fantastic regardless – it still introduces the two protagonists in a 'meet this person, now see how this person will lead to the drama for that first person' – which I love. You also briefly mention a setting, and use snappy but engaging sentences to keep the reader intrigued. The ending was impactful, and since I'm very excited to turn the pages, that is a sign of an excellent summary. Well done! 

Grammar: 4/5

There were minimal errors throughout your story, making it a very easy and fluent read – well done! The biggest issue I did find, however, was tenses; while you were mostly in past tense, you occasionally flicked to present tense unnecessarily. For example:

I went into my bathroom for a quick shower. [went = past tense]

I can't wait to get the makeup off." [can't = cannot = present tense]

You need to make sure your tenses are consistent throughout the entire story.

Furthermore, be careful when you're using words such as 'mum' or 'dad', and look out for when you should capitalise them. If they are being used as proper nouns (like in place of a name), it should be capitalised. If you're saying something like 'my mum' or 'her mum' or 'her dad', it does not need to be capitalised. For example:

"Where's your Mum?" she asked suddenly.

It should be:

"Where's your mum?" she asked suddenly.

If it was to be capitalised, the sentence would be:

"Where's Mum?" she asked suddenly.

Finally, watch out for small little typos throughout your story. For example:

...wrapping her legs around my waist and then carring her over to my bed.

It should be 'carrying', not 'carring'.

Otherwise, excellent work! 

Characterisation: 5/5

Okay, I adore your narration. The personality literally oozes out of your narration. I love the sarcasm of Harley's voice – even though she seems to be a badass made out of steel, she has moments where she stutters, she gets mad at herself for falling for Sam, and we see that she's clearly not perfect, as she cheats on Brielle (I love how supportive Brielle was! What a sweetheart). However, Harley also has backstory that perfectly justifies her adamance and strength – she watched her father die at a young age after a car crash, and the sexual assault scene was absolutely heartbreaking.

At first, when Sam asked Harley out to the dance, I was worried that she was a bit of a manipulator. But she also seemed so broken, and the way she and Harley supported each other throughout the book was just perfect. Her transition into realising her love for girls was handled with perfection, and I did catch the irony of them making out in the janitor's closet (because Sam is still in the closet to most people).

Even though she is cheating on Alex, damn, Harley and Sam are just so sweet together. I loved when Sam asked Harley out, and when Harley says no, Sam rejects her rejection – I laughed quite a bit. And I definitely swooned when Harley sang a slightly drunk Sam to sleep. Gosh, they're perfect – well done at making us fall for such complex and engaging characters! 

Writing Style: 3.5/5

I have to say, you use incomplete sentences masterfully – well done! They were snappy, engaging, and kept the writing moving. I also loved some of your descriptions – from the sunset, to the way you described memories as a broken record or a wound that was buried away. That is beautiful writing, and I encourage you to keep that up!

Your writing was very cohesive and fluent throughout, however, there were some little moments I caught that could be smoothened out. Remember to make sure each paragraph flows seamlessly into the next. For example:

I saw her speed-walking towards me from across the street, her voluminous strawberry-blonde hair cascading down her slender neck and upper arms – of course, she straightened it.

At least, as fast as she can walk in those six-inch platform white heels.

After a quick reread, I realised that the second paragraph was referring to the speed-walking, but because there was all this description between the speed-walking and the next paragraph, the link between is basically blocked. Also, the word 'fast' was never used in the first paragraph, so it doesn't exactly work. Try restructuring the sentences so that it picks up directly from where it needs to. For example (a very rough example as it is well past midnight):

I saw her, then. Her voluminous strawberry-blonde hair – straightened, of course – cascaded down her slender neck and upper arms as she sped-walked towards me as quickly as humanly possible.

Or, at least, as quickly as humanly possible if said human was wearing six-inch platform heels.

Next, be careful that your sentence structure isn't too repetitive. For example, in one chapter, this was the beginning of most of your sentences within several paragraphs (most of these were all beside each other):

I guess that's what she...

I just thought I was more...

I shook my head at my own...

I was about to plug my earphones...

I knew who it was...

I guess she decided to take a...

I turned around and...

I looked up and locked eyes...

All those sentences were basically next to each other, and they all start with "I did this". I suggest playing up your sentence structure more so that it is playful, engaging, and varies a bit. The repetition can be a little bit distracting for the reader.

And finally, be careful that your chapters aren't just filled with dialogue, but also contain some substance in the narration itself. For example, when Helen warns Sam to stay away from Harley, or when Harley tells Sam all about her relationship with Nora (and how she was assaulted), there was a lot of wonderful dialogue. However, you need to balance out all this dialogue with some description so that the reader can be further immersed into the story. 

Plot + Originality: 5/5

Gorgeous. I love how the backstories just keep growing and growing as we get to know the characters more, and I love seeing you add layers of complexity to all the characters, leaving them with obstacles of both the past and present to overcome. I'm excited to see how the finally loose strings tie up, but otherwise, this is a very sweet love story.

It tackles serious topics, such as prejudices against same-sex couples, but you handle it so well. You treat each character like real-life people, giving them characteristics and personalities to make them complex and engaging. You've done a fantastic job at building up a story and making us fall in love with the characters, so well done and best of luck with the rest! 

OVERALL SCORE: 22.5/25

Overall, a sweet story with moments of heartbreak and humour (and very saucy scenes, too!). Just make sure that you keep your tenses consistent, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!