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Review by Sunshine: Blood Sucker

Title: Blood Sucker

Author: lovechild777

Summary: 3/5

You've got some great elements to your summary. The first three, one-word sentences were an impactful way to draw the reader in, and you've introduced Alicia in a succinct way. Also, the final sentence was definitely a bit of a twist – which I loved.

However, quite a bit of your summary is redundant; you already say that she's whisked away into something life-threatening, do you really need to add another sentence saying that it wasn't normal? Additionally, you have quite a lot of punctuation issues throughout your summary, which I will break down for you.

Sixteen year old Alicia Graham is living the life going to the hottest parties every day, meeting sexy guys that would kill to be with her but life's not all that simple.

You are missing commas, and you've got yourself a run-on sentence. Read it aloud, and you'll see that you need the following:

Sixteen-year-old Alicia Graham is living the life, going to the hottest parties every day and meeting sexy guys that would kill to be with her.

But life's not all that simple.

I moved the second part to a new line for dramatic purposes. Next:

She was just a normal girl, you could say, living somewhat of a normal life but little did she know, it wasn't going to be that easy.

Again, it feels kind of repetitious. She is partying and, oh, life's not simple. I'm hooked in. But then, the next sentence is back to how she's normal and tries to reel me again with 'wasn't going to be that easy'. The mood keeps shifting and it feels too clunky. Also, if you do choose to keep the sentence, consider rephrasing to:

She was just a normal girl, you could say, living a somewhat normal life. Little did she know, though, it wasn't going to be that easy.

Then came:

One party, one guy was all it took before she got whisked away into something she shouldn't have, something that was life threatening to say the least.

I would take away the 'to say the least', as it undermines the intensity you are trying to build. Also, consider repunctuating:

One party – one guy – was all it took for her to get whisked away into something she shouldn't have. Something life-threatening.

Then you mention how it's far from normal again, which, as I mentioned above, felt awfully redundant. Then, in the final sentence, make sure you don't capitalise 'human'. Also, I wish I knew more – what is the actual conflict? What sort of thing will she be fighting against? What are the antagonistic forces? What are the stakes? What are her goals? What could go wrong if she fails? 

Grammar: 2.5/5

Overall, your punctuation, in particular, could use some work. But don't worry – that's what I'm here to talk to you about. I'll use examples from your story as we go.

To begin with, your commas are all over the place. Sometimes, when you need them, they're missing. Sometimes, when you don't need them, they're there. My advice with commas is to read your story aloud; wherever you need to pause for the sentence to make sense, you probably need some form of punctuation. For example:

Her ebony hair flowed down to her shoulders as her blue, eyes shined in the light.

You don't need a comma between 'blue' and 'eyes'. Read it aloud, with and without the pause between those two words and decide which you like better. Another example: