Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Gnome: The Fall of Mangiatorvi

Title: The Fall of Mangiatorvi

Author: Ivy279

Reviewer: GnomeMercy

Summary: 4/5

Overall, I think you had a good summary in terms of content. It had the characters, the setting, the problem, and the stakes. Well done!

However, I did have a problem in terms of grammar. There was a tense change at the beginning:

Gemma Maxey has always been different.

She spent the majority of her...

Here, you should have a "has" in between "she" and "spent" to keep it the same tense (which is present tense. You could also use the contraction "she's"). Right now, it sounds as if it is in the past tense. It should be:

Gemma Maxey has always been different.

She's spent the majority of her...

I thought it was great in otherwise! However, I believed the phrasing of this question was a little awkward:

But can Gemma take a chance with trusting anyone again when her heart is still in pieces?

It's a little long for a question, and sounds a little awkward. I suggest you change it to:

But can Gemma trust anyone again when her heart is still in pieces?

A good summary, well done!

Grammar: 3.5/5

All in all, your grammar was actually quite clean. It was easy to read, and there weren't a lot of mistakes. I did catch a few, though, so I'll talk about them now.

Firstly, after a certain chapter, I found the number of typos to go uphill. I understand this is due to it being unedited, but I recommend you do go and clean some mistakes up whenever you have time.

Secondly, there were some inconsistencies with the sort of dash you were using and if you wanted to spell numbers or write them out numerically. With dashes, you seemed to switch between a (-) and a (--). I recommend sticking to one type and going with it (for numbers, I recommend typing them out as it's more professional).

Lastly, I also noticed that, after a specific chapter, there were quite a few verbal tag errors. I'll show you some examples and explain why they are incorrect. However, I'll explain what verbal tags are, first.

Verbal tags are anything like, "she retorted", "they stated", "he welcomed". They are technically a part of a dialogue sentence, and when used, should not have a period before them (instead, any punctuation like a comma, exclamation/question mark, and a dash). Here is an incorrect example of a verbal tag I saw:

"These are the offices of your advisors, dived by gifted major. After your meetings, you can feel free to do as you will with the rest of your day. There are portals back to each of your dorms that can be found within the central building." Daniel said before turning to leave.

However, it should be:

"These are the offices of your advisors, dived by gifted major. After your meetings, you can feel free to do as you will with the rest of your day. There are portals back to each of your dorms that can be found within the central building," Daniel said before turning to leave.

Another error (related to verbal tags) I saw was when you capitalised after a question mark, exclamation mark, and once even after a comma. This is incorrect, and there should only be capitalisation after a period. You can use a period in dialogue only if the phrase that comes after it is not a verbal tag.

Other than these small problems, your grammar was quite good, and it was easy to read. Well done! I recommend doing a reread and an edit whenever you have time, however.

Writing Style: 4/5

In terms of writing style, I thought you had a wonderful one. Your writing was clear, and you had a vast vocabulary that made it a truly enjoyable read! I enjoyed reading about descriptions and what Oasi and Mangiatorvi University looked like. Character descriptions were wonderful as well, and I could get a good feel to how they looked.

However, I did have a few problems, mainly related to sentence structure, that disrupted the flow and cohesiveness of your writing.

Sometimes, you would have action scenes where something would be happening, and you would have a lot of repeating words or sentence types, which would make the paragraph seem awkward and stilted. Quite a lot of paragraphs were written in a similar fashion to "she did this", "she did that", which made it sound quite robotic. I'd recommend going back and trying to add some difference to the beginnings of some sentences to make it seem less stilted.

There were also times where words or phrases were repeated throughout the paragraph, such as a character's name or a object. This gives a similar, stilted effect, so I recommend you using synonyms like "the girl", or, "the young adult", or even "the blonde", so as to differentiate.

Other than that, I thoroughly enjoyed your writing style, and it made the story that much more fun to read.

Characters: 5/5

In terms of characters, I loved their different ethnicities and the representation. I also loved how realistic and 3D they were. Their backstories and in-depth personalities really added to the plot and story, which made it a very fun read. I did not have any problems, at all, with your characters, and this was definitely one of your strongest points!

I did have a little problem with Daniel and Gemma's relationship, especially concerning the fact that she broke up with Jamal (who cheated on her), I don't think, realistically, she would be focused on anybody else right after that, especially considering how long she stayed at Mangiatorvi. This was just a small problem I had—but I'm extremely judgmental of character relationships, and this is just a suggestion and me being nit-picky.

Other than that, wonderful work on your characters! There was clearly a lot of work put into it.

Plot + Originality: 4.7/5

In terms if plot, I think you had quite an original one. The "magic-school-I-never-knew-of" thing is quite an overused storyline, but I absolutely loved your twist on it. The political aspects of the story, and the little bits of lore sprinkled throughout the chapters, really added to your story and interested me from the start!

While the general gist of the plot isn't exactly original, your take on it was unique and it was a really fun story to read. Good work!

OVERALL SCORE: 21.2/25

You have a great story with realistic characters and a unique take on a plot people have seen quite a lot before. While there are some small grammar mistakes and typos, and some writing style errors that can easily be fixed, I really enjoyed this story, and the world I was taken to. With some more edits and fixes, this could be really, really good! I hope this helps.