Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by John: Control

Title: Control

Author: G1rlDatL0vesUn1c0rns

Reviewer: Tumike-John

Note from reviewer: 

Before I start with the review, let me let you know how much I love sci-fi and the time I spend exploring it. As soon as I saw Control, I was excited. However, I won't let my emotions take over the review. The review will be the review. Straight, truthful, and friendly.

Summary/Blurb: 1/5

I didn't get what the story is about throwing the blurb. I feel it's more of an info-dump than a summary. The summary only drops the information about the character; what we won't remember as soon as we start the first chapter. The file of Annela Morgan is inserted into this summary, making it daunting to remember — and it feels forced. The best I could remember when I started was only her first name and her age. Honestly, I feel this information is redundant. I'd suggest you change the blurb entirely.

For the mission part, I'm not sure of what you mean by 'boredom fills her everyday life'. Do you mean because she's bored that's why they're sending her on a new mission? If yes, that's not believable. Do we go to school because we're bored? Do we go to work to do to impossible assignments because we're bored? Give us a reason to root for Annela; reveal a reason why we should stick we her. If you want us to follow Annela for this mission, you should give us a reason — because we, unlike Annela, aren't bored.

Errors I noticed in the blurb:

Twenty two — [Correction: twenty-two]

Origines — [Correction: origin]

Informations — [Correction: information] <this is an uncountable noun>

'Capacities': I'm not exactly sure of what you mean here, but I think it should be replaced with 'capabilities'. 

Annela Morgan, forged impassible by her spy training, is in control of everything. <You missed a comma>

The best way to make this summary meaningful is to rewrite it. Don't dump the file into it; let the information flow. Look at other books, see how they do it. Anybody can dump a file in the blurb, as we know practically everything about our characters. Make yours unique. Leave some information out of it. Why do we need to know she can play three instruments? Does being American matter in this story? Does skipping three classes affect the overall plot? What is her 'everyday life'?

Of course you can add these things in the story, but don't insert them at once. You can make a character boast about how good Annela is, maybe for a recommendation.

"Annela is the best fit for this mission, ma'am. She's the veteran you need. Can communicate in eight languages, plays three musical instruments professionally, complete rogue, and she's sure as hell beautiful," said Somebody.

Don't make her or the narrator do it.

Grammar: 1.5/5

Your grammar is okay, but I think it can be better. There are run-on sentences affecting the chapters. This ruins the flow of the story. The trick about learning to avoid run-on sentences is making independent stand on its own.

A run-on sentence is a fused sentence, considered ungrammatical because it combines two (or more) independent clauses written as a single sentence, often with only a comma as separator (comma splice), which should be rendered either as separate sentences or as clauses joined more appropriately (such as by a semicolon or by a comma and coordinating conjunction). <Source: the Wiktionary and it is available under the CC BY-SA 3.0 license>