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Review by Nathan: The Root of Magic

Title: The Root of Magic

Author: NDeMeer

Reviewer: NathanRound

Summary: 4/5

A very captivating summary here. You include all the fundamentals: the main protagonist, a brief introduction to the world your story is set in, the conflicts at hand, and the stakes that rise from those conflicts. I love that rhetorical question at the very end, it works well in roping the reader in to find out an answer. Well done!

There aren't a lot of things that stood out to me, but I did find that you had a few run-on sentences within your summary, as well as a few clauses that were separated into sentences where I believe that shouldn't have been. Let's look at some examples, shall we?

Destan doesn't fit in with either society. Though his younger sister Julia lives with the Inops, Destan can bend the atoms of any object to his will.

Now I feel that the two lines discussing both Destan's place in the world, and his younger sister Julia, are two clauses that are strongly intertwined and should be one sentence. As for explaining Destan's abilities, I believe that should be a line of its own.

Destan doesn't fit in with either society, though his younger sister Julia lives with the Inops. Destan can bend the atoms of any object to his will.

I also believe separating the rhetorical question from the paragraph it's in, will help emphasise the stakes it conveys a lot more.

Grammar: 4/5

For the most part, your grammar is actually very good. Your work can be read smoothly as most errors tend to go unnoticed, and you utilise punctuation extremely well, so well done there. However, I do feel that you use commas a little too often sometimes, and in some instances, they weren't even needed. Here's an example:

"The Task we have planned for you today, is an extremely important one. The lives of our people depend on it. Since it is nearly winter, the Tribe is in dire need of some more food, to supplement our reserves. If we don't do something, we won't make it through the winter. Everyone is working hard, doing their part to fix this problem. We need you three to help as well."

Now the best way to find out whether a comma is needed, is to read your piece out loud and find where the pauses are. But first let's fix this little snippet:

"The Task we have planned for you today is an extremely important one. The lives of our people depend on it. Since it is nearly winter, the Tribe is in dire need of some more food to supplement our reserves. If we don't do something, we won't make it through the winter. Everyone is working hard and doing their part to fix this problem. But we need all the help we can get, and that includes the three of you."

I thought I'd just try and emphasise how desperate the Tribe are towards the very end there.

Now for the most part, your punctuation is spot on, and it's nice to see that you don't limit yourself to the basics. But I did find that at one point, you could have utilized a semi-colon instead of starting a new sentence. It's only a small thing, but let's take a look at it shall we:

Just as he passed his uncle's house, with the stone roof, he felt the hairs in his neck stand on end. He felt like he was being watched.

In this case, 'he felt like he was being watched' expands upon what has been said before. This would be the perfect opportunity to use a semi-colon to emphasise the fact that he was being watched.

Just as he passed his uncle's house, with the stone roof, he felt the hairs in his neck stand on end; he felt like he was being watched.

Writing Style: 4/5

I like your writing style. Although it is in the third-person perspective, we still are being told the story through Destans eyes. You show us how he feels, how he acts, and I love how his thoughts find their way into the writing. You work wonders in sparking feelings within the reader, I especially liked the scene where Destan cheers up his sister without even interacting with her!

You end chapters perfectly, and the length of each chapter suits well with the themes they contain. The only problem I did have was the pace of the story at times. I feel that at certain points you rush, and it messes with the flow and fluidity of your story. One such instance was revealing what led to the separation of Julia and Destan, as well the reason why Destan and his mother are outcasts in the first place.

Plot + Originality: 4/5

I'm a sucker for fantasy tropes so I'm loving the plot so far. The term 'Inops' used to describe non magical folk reminds me of J.K Rowling's 'muggles', although the similarities stop there. I like all the fantasy terms, the creativity in this novel as well as the world you submerse us into. What stood out to me the most was the eluding to the event that led Destan and his mother into becoming the outcasts they are. I really enjoyed how you would touch upon it, while still leaving us in the dark about what exactly happened, and how Destan 'broke the rules.'

However, I do believe that you missed the opportunity in showing us the event through the eyes of a young Destan or better yet, another family member. I believe that you told us what happened a little too soon and by doing so it lost its effect. I would advise that you leave the subplot a mystery, keeping the readers on their toes and eager to find out the answers to their questions. Then, you could dedicate an entire chapter to the event.

Character Building: 4/5

A lot of great things here. Your characters are diverse, no two are the same, and you take your time to flesh out Destan's back story. It is clear that he has a very short temper, and his past heavily affects his decisions throughout the story. Aruna appears to act like another parental figure to Destan, and it's clear that the two care for one another, especially when she goes through the trouble of getting Destan a second chance to join the Tribe.

Elias and Keara are a very dislikeable pair, and I mean that in the way that they create troubles for the main protagonist. They are arrogant and stubborn. I'm surprised that, after supposedly training for a long time, they're sloppy when it comes to carrying out the Task. It just makes you question whether or not they are the right people for the job.

The mother's muteness was a nice touch. The fact that she only uttered words to help her son make the right decision in taking his chance to join the Tribe, is a very emotional point. Great work.

OVERALL SCORE: 20/25

Overall a great story. Just sort out your commas and make sure you refrain from rushing certain character arcs. I hope this review proved useful.