Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Sunshine: The Thrills of Sky Suzuki

Title: The Thrills of Sky Suzuki

Author: Skysuzuki123

Summary: 4.5/5

In all honesty, this is a pretty fantastic summary. I absolutely love the ending, and how it ties back into the protagonist's name. I also love how you subtly introduce the conflict and stakes, and give us a rich amount of backstory as you introduce Sky to the reader. Fabulous job! I'm very excited to start reading your story.

The only thing is to watch out for sentences that are missing commas to make them more fluent. For example:

"As she reaches her teenage years she enrols into the famous Demon High."

If you read it aloud, it sounds a bit awkward because you are missing a comma. It should be:

"As she reaches her teenage years, she enrols into the famous Demon High."

Another example:

"Follow her and her familiar, a Pheonix called Astoria throughout her high school years..."

Along with a missing comma, I think you also spelt Phoenix wrong (unless, of course, you have another creature and the misspelling was intentional). It should be:

"Follow her and her familiar, a Phoenix called Astoria, throughout her high school years..." 

Grammar: 2/5

Overall, there were quite a lot of grammatical errors within your story. However, since your story is very long and complete, I thought that it would be more beneficial for you if I pointed out the rules that you're getting wrong. That way, you can go back and polish it while keeping these rules in the back of your head.

First of all, and arguably the biggest one because it influenced the rest of the story, is dialogue. Whenever you have two or more characters speaking, you absolutely must ensure that each character gets a new paragraph to speak. Otherwise, it becomes very unclear as to who is talking. For example:

"I'll punch them square in the nose!" Sky exclaimed with a giggle. Her mother chuckled and, with a shake of her head, responded, "If you ever get bullied again..."

That is incorrect. It should be:

"I'll punch them square in the nose!" Sky exclaimed with a giggle.

Her mother chuckled and, with a shake of her head, responded, "If you ever get bullied again..."

While we are on dialogue, let's talk about dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"I'm not knocking." The Tadashi stated.

That is incorrect. Since 'The Tadashi stated' directly refers to the dialogue being spoken, it should be:

"I'm not knocking," the Tadashi stated.

Next, you have a lot of simple mistakes. You have random capitalisation of words in the middle of sentences (even when they are not proper nouns), you have missing commas in sentences, and you mix up and misspell words. There were times you spelt 'niece' as 'neice' and even 'Miaka' was sometimes spelt as 'Maika'.