Trips Through Life

Chapter 27: trust is so fragile

Wilbur quickly grabbed the journal and shifted "u-um- thats- private.." he mumbled. Sapnap looked at him. "Will.." he put a hand on his cheek. "I'm sorry I read it.. but um.." he shifted. "What do you mean your feelings confuse you.?"

He stared at him and opened the book reading through. His face fell and his cheeks flushed. "I-i-" he closed the book and looked away. "You don't have to be worried.. I'll help you.."

"H-help?" He nodded. "if you tell me what you mean exactly I can try and help you figure out your 'feelings' "
Sapnap didn't know what he meant by figuring his feelings out.

Wilbur looked at him and bit his lip handing him the journal. "Please.. don't tell anyone.. about any of this.." sapnap pet his head and smiled softly "of course.. thank you for trusting me.. I know it's hard..' wilbur nodded and looked down. And sap began reading.

Since wilbur was in 2nd grade he liked.. well, girls and boys.. but he blew it off that he just liked how they looked, like he wanted to be them.. but in 7th he knew. He knew he didn't just wanna.. look like them. He like liked them.

And he felt horrible. He didn't know how to feel. He felt scared.. conflicted.. he didn't want to be even more of the 'freak' people called him than he already was. But he knew just because you like your own gender didn't mean you were a freak.. but others thought it did.

So he tried not to think to much on it. He felt so happy when he finally had a crush on a girl. She was so sweet.. but she had to move and they never really talked anymore. And then he met this other guy.. he liked him.. but he didn't want anyone to know.

And that's what he did. He kept all his feelings in. And when that stuff happened to tommy he pushed everything down. He let everyone tell him he was worthless, including himself. He had to do something.. so he was always there for his brother..

He helped him because he knew if he didn't his brother would end up just. Like. Him.

So if someone would ask him if he was ok he always said yes and told himself others had it worse than him. But years of bullying took a toll on him. He believed things they said. And three months ago he broke.

//Tw: self harm//

He couldn't handle burying everything down anymore. He had for almost a year now. And his mental health was slipping through his fingers. He couldn't just take care of his brother anymore to forget. He couldn't process his own feelings anymore.

He eventually got to the point he was so down he just.. couldn't. He knew he couldn't.. off himself because his brother still needed help.. no one else would do it so wilbur had to stay alive.. for him.. but he needed something.. to cope.. all of the people who told him he was weird, worthless, a freak, stupid, shallow, and he just kept naming things.

At this point sapnap had tears in his eyes. Wilbur broke. One night he couldn't take everything. And he had to get rid of the thoughts.. he being worthless made sense. He would go to the bathroom and make cuts along his thighs. He knew his arms would be risky, so he just..

Wilbur noticed the face sapnap made. He looked.. scared.. sad.. he shifted and looked away. He was giving sapnap his.. whole life story, his every thought, his horrible secrets, everything.

And then after wilbur had a mental breakdown and sat in the shower and cried to block out the nosies. And no one found out. At least not yet..
So every day after he had to put on his regular face so no one found out.

A few pages were just little doodles of space and stars. It was.. calming after reading all that..  and then he wrote about how he wished he were different. Maybe those guys wouldn't hurt him if he was a girl. Maybe they wouldn't be so mean.

Maybe they wouldn't almost drown him, or shive him into lockers or walls or in a bathroom stall or a bush. Maybe they wouldn't throw horrible notes at him during class. Maybe they wouldn't make so many marks he had to buy concealer to hide the bruises and cuts from being smacked and pushed around.

But he didn't want to be a girl honestly. But maybe life would be easier.. then there were pages with words scribbled and more drawings. The drawings were just another coping mechanism. The space drawings were calming.. made him feel like he wasn't on this horrible earth.

Sapnap stared down at the book and slowly closed it. He looked back at will. Wilbur was avoiding eye contact. He fidgeted with his hands. Sap sat the book down and moved sitting wilbur on his lap. Wilburs face heated up again as he looked away.

Sapnap cupped his cheeks. "I'm.. I'm honored you trusted me with that.. I'm so.. so fucking sorry you've had to deal with this for so long.. you've been so alone in your own little world haven't you..?'

He understood. He was the first person who ever understood. The only person who knew everything he's felt, went through, he's now seen inside the 16 year olds head. And he knew. He knew what he'd been through now.

Sapnap hugged him close. "If.. you don't mind.. can I tell you a secret only dream and George know..?" He ask softly. Wilbur nodded "o-of course.."
Sapnap smiled softly and looked at him. "Well.. it may.. definitely isn't as bad as what you've been through but y'know.. everyone deals with different bad things.."

Wilbur nodded "it doesn't have to be as bad.. if it still hurt it means something.." sapnap smiled softly. "I was born in the wrong body" wilbur looked at him. "What do you mean..?'

"I'm uh, I'm trans,.." wilbur looked at him. "Oh- oh," sap nodded "uh- is that ok?- your not like, transphobic are you?-" wilbur blinked "huh?- oH! Nonono of course not I have a trans-" he shut his mouth. He wasn't going to do something again.

He gulped. He didn't want to say something tommy didn't want him to again. He didn't want to mess up again. He was pathetic.

He shifted and looked away "im- I'm not.." sapnap nodded and looked at him. "I was just asking I didn't mean to upset you" "nono you didn't I uh.. I was just about to.. ruin my relationship with someone.. again.." he mumbled "but- but thank you for um.. telling me-"

Sapnap nodded and looked at him. "Hey will..?" Wilbur looked at him. "yeah..?"

"Would you happen to be pansexual..?"