Loki and Sigyn, His Glorious Purpose

Chapter Sixty-Five

LOKI'S POINT OF VIEW
For once, I left a discussion with my brother somewhat hopeful. Trust me, he mad it very clear to point out every little way in which i had messed up. But, as he listened to me talk about Sigyn, I felt like he finally began to understand how deeply I cared for her.

Despite my sense of ever approaching doom, I felt as though I had a new spring in my step. I was still panicking of course, worried beyond belief Sigyn may just decide to leave me high and dry for some other man. But, I digress, I was feeling just a tad bit better about things as I walked back to Sigyn's quarters.

Safe to say, this feeling quickly evaporated upon seeing her as my heart filled with anxiety once more. Sigyn was awake and actually alert, to my surprise she was even writing when I entered. For a brief moment, she looked up but upon seeing who had entered, she sighed and closed her journal with disdain.

"If you were looking for Hela, she just ran off with my father," she said softly.

"I was actually looking for you," I said, sitting by her side, "How are you feeling?"

"Fine."

I raised a brow, looking at her with a suspicious glance. I knew she was holding back. Unable to fool me, she sighed and admitted, "I'm really alright, it just aches is all. I want to try and walk, see Hela and my family but Hertha told me no."

"Well, you're certainly more awake than yesterday," I commented.

She nodded. She was very closed off to me, even now as I sat right beside her.

"What were you writing down?" I asked, trying to lighten the mood slightly. The last thing I wanted was for her to be fearful of me or feel that she couldn't talk to me.

"Just a dream," she explained, "Well, more of a nightmare really."

"Do you mind telling me?" I asked gently, taking her hand in mind.

"Well, if you insist," she said, subconsciously lacing her fingers through mine, "I had a dream that you died."

"Are you sure that's a nightmare?" I joked lightly, "Just about now, I thought that would be quite the dream for you."

Sigyn's face fell instantly. Her eyes narrowed, tilting her head as she looked at me. For a moment, she watched me as if I was insane before she rolled her eyes and muttered, "You are insufferable."

"Sigyn, dear, I was only joking," I attempted.

"It wasn't funny," she said, her voice was strained but she didn't sound angry. If anything, her voice was filled with sadness as she continued, "I don't want you dead. The fact that you even would say that kills me, Loki. No matter how angry you make me, I-"

She groaned, obviously frustrated at this point. I took her hands and quickly said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."

Pursing her lips, Sigyn said, "Why can't you understand that just because you messed up doesn't mean I hate you. You're still my husband, Loki."

I nodded, staying quiet. By the flush that had come over her face, I could tell she was about to go off on me. I was ready for her lecture, in fact-I wanted it.

"I don't understand why you're so insecure about our relationship or just why you're so insecure about everything. I have done everything in my power to make sure you know that you're loved. I have stood up for you at every chance I get, I've given you a child, I've put my own dignity on the line for your satisfaction but I've gotten nothing in return. None of that mattered to me until my life and Hela's life were put on the line for your sake, so that you could go and mess around on some foreign planet," Sigyn said, her eyes were wild as she looked at me, "I took a damn arrow for you Loki, and you still don't think I love you? You think I want you dead? You are so stupid!"

As she talked, she got more and more animated. Sigyn's face twisted into a different expression every other second, one moment she was angry, the next sad, and then even annoyed. All the while, I listened. I didn't interrupt but just listened.

"I don't understand what I have to do to make you happy," Sigyn said, completely exasperated, "Sometimes I wonder if you just want me to give up. You are so dramatic about never being satisfied, I sometimes wonder if you even want to be satisfied. I know it's my responsibility as your wife to do this for you, but I can't. I can't be your sole source of confidence."

"You're right," I admitted, nodding as I continued, "I haven't been fair to you with the pressures I've put on you. You've been more than good to me, Sigyn. Frankly, I hardly deserve half of your patience and kindness. I thought you wanted me to have power, I thought that was why you stuck with me all this time. But...I realize now...that's what I craved and not what you wanted."

"Yes!" she exclaimed, her eyes wide, "Loki, I never cared about you being prince much less being king. I would choose you a thousand times over even if you were a stable boy or farmhand. Honestly, I may have married you even quicker if that were the case. I don't care about power, never have, and never will."

"I see that now," I sighed.

She held my hands tightly, bringing them to her chest with a pained looked as she said, "Loki, all I've ever wanted is for you to be happy. I've tried for years to do that for you, but I can't, Loki. I just can't. Clearly, I can't. Every day I worry that you may finally realize that I can't be everything you want me to be."

She squeezed my hands, shifting back to anger as she recounted, "You expect me to be a perfect mother, an accomplice to your crazy schemes, a healer, a sex goddess, a comfort, and more at all times of the day. I expect nothing from you, it's not fair."

"It's not fair," I agreed, "It's not fair for me to expect all of that from you whilst giving you nothing in return. In fact, it's unfair to expect all that from you in the first place. What could I do to even the scales?"

She paused, opening her mouth before giving me a very suspicious look. Sigyn's dark brown eyes narrowed and her brows furrowed.

"Loki," she said unsurely.

"Yes?"

"I don't want you to be joking with me right now. Do you really mean what you're saying?"

"Sigyn," I said, squeezing her hands, "Don't you trust me? I want to make things right, dear. I really do."

Sigyn side-eyed me before taking a deep breath and saying, "I just want you to support me. I want you to comfort me when I cry, make me laugh, make me feel safe. But, what I would love is if you talked to me more about me. I feel like we're always talking about you or Hela but, I dunno maybe I'm being selfish."

I shook my head, "No, Sigyn, no. It's not selfish in the slightest," I said, caressing her cheek, "I promise I can do that for you, I will do everything to be the man you deserve."