Suffering Part 2

I Hate You

CONTENT WARNING: SELF HARM, SUICIDE. If these are triggers for you, please do not read. Take care of your own mental health.

It had been weeks at this point and Y/N was self destructing at an alarming rate. Her day was filled waiting until she could go drink at night with Cillian. Severus had sent a couple of letters via owl but she refused to read them. She would hand them back to the Innkeeper, saying “burn them.” 

A knock on the door to which Y/N replied, “Come in.” “Deary, can I bring you something to eat? I am starting to worry about you,” the lovely little Innkeeper said. Y/N was just curled on the bed under the blankets staring blankly at the window, “Thank you but I’m not hungry right now,” she responded softly. “If you need anything, come find me, please deary,” the short round lady spoke and closed the door again. 

The only time she could feel anything at all is in the desperate moments she would mark herself. One thing was for sure in her mind, she would never go back willingly. Later that evening, Cillian came to see her. A soft knock, “Love, can I come in?” he asked.

“Yes,” she replied, stirring from the bed. “How are you?” he asked hesitantly. Y/N looked as if she was actively dying. She had lost weight and was no longer even sleeping. “Give me a second, I have to put my shoes on. I lost track of time,” she said, stumbling from the bed. 

“Perhaps we should get you something to eat before we go out, love,” he said in a hopeful voice. Everyone who saw her was worried. “Not you too, Cillian,” she begged while trying to lace her boots. He knelt down to help her tie her boots and lift her from the floor. Cillian went to lay out some food for Alfie before they left. He wrapped his arm around the young woman and then made their way to the pub. 

Y/N had started drinking to an excessive amount lately. When she did sleep, it was because she blacked out. Sometimes Cillian would physically carry her home. He tried to stop her but there was no reasoning with her. She was dead set on destroying herself. 

They got some drinks at the pub, “How about tomorrow we go do something else?” he suggested. “Like what?” she asked, looking down at her drink. “Anything, we could take a walk or something. I know some beautiful spots near the village. I’d love to show you,” he replied.

“A walk,” she said softly. She downed her drink and ordered a couple more. After those were done, she announced, “I’m gonna go rest, not feeling good tonight. It was good to see you Cillian. You have been so lovely.” He didn’t know what to say so he just said good night to her.

Y/N was unable to do this anymore. Severus really had broken her, just like he promised. She made it to her room and slowly removed her clothes. She scribbled on some parchment, “It has now eaten me alive.” In the bathroom, she took out her razor. This time she meant business. 

She got into the bathtub so as not to make a mess for the Innkeeper. A couple of deep cuts later and she felt herself exhale the pain before slowly falling asleep. At some point, she vaguely heard Cillian and the Innkeeper. She could not rouse herself though. It felt as if someone picked her up but she couldn’t open her eyes. 

When her eyes finally did open, they were blurry, unable to focus on anything. She tried to sit up but was too weak to do some. There were voices in the room, most of them familiar. “Do not try to get up,” a voice spoke sternly. It must have been Severus. 

“Take me back,” is all she could mumble. It felt as if someone had given her a sleeping potion because she was unable to rouse herself. The next night, she was finally able to fully open her eyes. She was in the Headmaster's chambers, Severus’ chambers. She was sent into a panic, she had to get out of here. “She’s awake,” a voice spoke. 

A young man with bleach blonde hair and green eyes came over sitting beside her on the bed. “Shhh don’t move, Y/N. You have to stay put,” Draco spoke. Y/N looked up at him pleading, “Get me out of here.” “I can’t do that, you aren’t well,” he said trying to hold back tears in his eyes. “Draco, please, take me through the floo, anywhere,” she begged, reaching out for his arm. 

Just then, 2 other figures came through the door. It was Madam Pomfrey and Severus. Madam Pomfrey came over to the bed checking on Y/N who was obviously distressed. Severus stood at the end of the bed with a heartbroken look on his face. “Dear you need to rest, we have given you some sedatives for now. You lost a lot of blood,” she said solemnly. “Let me go. Take me anywhere else,” Y/N begged. 

Severus heard those words and just turned around towards the chamber door. “You are not well enough to leave yet. If you wish, we can transfer you to a hospital soon,” she said looking down at Y/N. She didn’t want that either, that almost sounded like a worse option.

 “Let me go back to my cottage,” she begged. “Rest dear,” she said, tucking Y/N back into the blankets. “I’ll leave you two be for now,” Madam Pomfrey said, grabbing Draco and excusing herself from the room. There was a very uncomfortable silence in the room. “Take me back,” she begged the mans back. “Stop,” he said, turning around to look at Y/N. 

“Help me finish this. Avada Kedavra me,” she begged looking right into the man's eyes. He said nothing and just looked away. “You fucking coward,” she spat trying to coax him into anger. He came to sit on the edge of the bed, and Y/N tried to roll away but was so weak. “Please, stop this,” he begged with tears running down his face. “Coward,” is all she replied, refusing to look at him. 

Her hands were so weak but she reached for her ring finger, removing the rings he had given her. She held them out for him to take. “Yours,” she spoke. “You will not be happy until you ruin everything will you?” he asked softly, trying to stop his tears. “I will never be happy. It is not who I am,” she replied. 

He took the rings from her and placed them on the side table. “How did I get here?” she asked looking back at him. He rubbed his face, trying to regain control of himself. “Cillian and the Innkeeper sent an urgent owl. Madam Pomfrey and I came to collect you,” he replied. “Take me back,” she pleaded again. “So you can finish this? You’re not going anywhere,” he spat in anger.

“I hate you,” she said as she used every bit of her strength to turn over in bed. The man stormed off through the chamber door, slamming it behind him.