Suffering Part 2

It Beats the Same as My Own

“Just like that?” he scoffed in utter disbelief. “Just. Like. That,” she remarked slowly repeating his words. “Because of Cillian? I know thats where you were,” he said as he rose from his seat in anger. 

“Because of us, Severus. We are too broken. I.. can’t do this anymore. It is tearing me apart. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. What I wouldn’t give to go back 2 years ago and just be a student again. For none of this to have happened…. It has eaten me alive,” she replied with tears running down her face. “We can fix this,” he begged. 

“Irreparable damage has been done over and over again. The words you speak to me, the things I do in retaliation. I cannot live like this. I don’t know why you would even want to,” she remarked, shaking her head. She got up and went into the kitchen while Severus stood there silently. 

“I have got to get some fucking tea,” she groaned looking in the cabinets. “Did you sleep with him? Be honest, with me please,” he pleaded. “I slept in his bed. We did not have sex. I.. had no one else. I could not let myself be alone. I’m sorry,” she admitted with tears falling from her eyes. 

“You had me,” he replied as his own tears started falling from his eyes. “I don’t have you. Instead of comforting me, you went to tell Lucius not to fuck me. What is happening between us is disgusting. I hate it. I hate what it’s doing to me. I know this isn’t the person you want to be either. I am so sorry for hurting you. I cannot do this any longer,” she said as she walked to the sitting area. 

“I’m terrified to leave you alone here,” he admitted. “You shouldn’t be. I won’t do anything,” she remarked, refusing to look at him. “You did something as soon as I was gone yesterday. You can’t be trusted,” he scoffed. Y/N got up to go upstairs. “I have to take a shower,” she remarked as she went upstairs. 

She could smell Cillian on her clothes when she went to remove them. The bathroom had been cleaned up, Severus must have done that. He came to stand in the doorway as she undressed. 

Her eyes moved to the shelf where her razor was, but it was missing, of course. “I just need to shower,” she said as she undressed. “I love you” he said as he watched her. “I know,” she replied as she leaned over to start the shower. She got in before it had even heated up properly. 

Y/N took a seat in the bottom of the shower to wash herself. She was exhausted from all this. She heard Severus move closer to the shower, “I don't need help,” she said before he made it there. “Dont,” she demanded when he didn’t stop.

 “Let me help you. You are exhausted,” he spoke softly. “So are you. I can do it,” she remarked as she washed herself. 

Severus opened the shower curtain so he could help her anyways, even though he was still half dressed. “I hate you so much, just leave me alone,” she begged. “I know you don’t mean that,” he scoffed as he helped her wash, even though the water was splashing on him. 

“You’re right. I hate myself for loving you the way I do. It has caused me nothing but suffering,” she said while tears flowed down her face. “I feel the same way,” he remarked as he finished helping her, moving to turn the water off.

 “I went to try to sleep with him,” she admitted. “I know. To hurt me. Not because you actually wanted to,” Severus replied as he went to fetch her a towel. 

“I wanted to do something so unforgivable in your eyes that you would just leave and let me self-destruct,” she admitted as she stood wet and naked in the tub waiting for her towel.

 “It will take more than sleeping with Cillian to make me go away,” he remarked with a sorrowful face. 

“You say that now because it didn’t happen. He saw how fucked up I was and said he would never touch me in that condition. Isn’t that lovely? I am too broken to get fucked by anyone,” she remarked as she took the towel from him. 

Severus tried to assist her in drying off. “Can you please just leave? Honestly, I cannot do this anymore. I’m done being nice,” she remarked, pulling away from him. 

“Yesterday.. I just, I was filled with sadness looking down at you. I couldn’t get it out of my head that you just wanted to have sex with me and then make me leave,” he said softly. 

“It sucks doesn’t it. Someone trying to fuck you and then forcing you to leave? I bet,” she said with a giggle. Y/N went to brush her own hair in the mirror, looking back to Severus who still hadn’t left yet.

“You need to leave the bathroom. I don't want you to see me like this anymore,” she told him. She reached for her hand, taking off her rings. “Stop,” he demanded. “You don’t get to tell me what to do anymore,” she walked over to him, holding them in her fingers, ready to drop them in his hand. 

“I don't accept this,” he spat back at her. “I don’t need your approval anymore,” she replied. Severus took the rings from her, just shaking his head at her.

 “Put them back on, please” he begged. “You are making this harder than it has to be,” she said, looking away from him. “Destroy yourself but you will not destroy us. I’m not going anywhere,” he remarked. 

Severus grabbed her hand, holding it tightly, slipping the rings back on her finger. “Until our last breath,” he spoke softly. “Just let me be, please,” she begged. He ignored her and walked over to the cabinet, grabbing the medical supplies. 

He took them in his hand as he gently nudged her towards the bedroom. “Sit” he ordered as he knelt beside the bed. Y/N’s bandage had gotten wet in the shower and needed to be changed. 

She sat on the edge of the bed, waiting for him to unwrap it. “You will wish you hadn't,” she remarked, not even looking down. “I have no doubt,” he remarked as he unwrapped it. 

The room fell completely silent once he pulled the last bit of bandage off. Y/N looked down at his face briefly, just long enough to see a tear fall onto his cheek. 

“I’m sorry,” she offered, looking away. Severus said nothing else, just wrapped her arm again with dry bandages and a piece of medical tape. Y/N could almost hear the sound of his heart breaking when he had seen it. 

“Just sit there, I’ll get you some clothes,” he said as he rose from the floor where he was kneeling. He brought over a t-shirt and some panties for her to put on. She took them, putting them on herself and climbing up into the bed. She was indeed exhausted. 

“Lay with me,” she begged him. Severus just sighed, and undid his still wet shirt, from helping her shower. He threw it on a chair in the room before taking his pants off. He left his boxers on and went to lay in the bed with her. He tried to lay on top of the blankets but she wasn’t having it. 

“Absolutely not,” she frowned when he tried. He smirked and pulled the blanket back to get inside with her. “My fucking cat,” she mentioned just realizing Alfie had been outside all this time. “I’ll get him,” he groaned, getting back up from the bed. 

He went down stairs and retrieved the little black cat with orange eyes. He laid him on Y/N’s side of the bed, and walked back to his, getting in bed with her. Y/N snuggled as tightly into his chest as she could. The scent of him was everything.

Severus pulled her tightly into his chest to comfort her, as well as himself.

“I would recognize the beat of your heart, in any life, in any time. Because it beats just the same as my own,” he whispered.