Diving Deep (requests closed)

Light (Death Note) - Giving Up

It was such a high goal I had set, trying to be as much like him as I could and raising my grades higher and higher with each test. I knew deep inside that I would never match his level, Light being so far above me that it was almost laughable to attempt it, but I still tried my best.

After all, it had been his kind words once that had saved me, helping me realize that giving up was not the solution to my problems. You can't win by admitting defeat.

--------

When the whole Kira thing had started, I had been curious about it but my concern had faded in time, as I wasn't a criminal and neither was anyone else I cared for, especially not Light. He was the son of a cop and well respected in and out of school, the idea of him being involved in anything more risky than maybe forgetting to do his chores from time to time was rather laughable to most people.

After a while, the most talked about thing at school was how safe it had become for the girls to walk home by themselves. Even some of the boys could be heard talking about how much safer they felt. As for me, I was just glad to see the mostly hidden smiles I would catch on Light's face when he thought nobody was looking. He must be glad that his father would be safer without all those murderers on the streets.

--------

I was so lucky, getting to work with Light on the latest class project! I hadn't been able to keep myself from smiling, ever since the teacher had announced the groups! After a while, I had given up trying to hide my happiness, letting my joy show clearly on my face as I finished writing down notes for the assignment we would be working on together. When we were finally dismissed for the day, I quietly gave my farewells to Light, barely remembering to add the other members of our small group of four when I saw the smile he sent my way.

I stood there alone for a while after the rest of the class had left, my hand clutching my chest as if to keep my racing heart from escaping. Was this how it felt to be in love?

--------

The days seemed to fly as we all worked together on the project, enjoying the time I got to spend so close to Light, even as I had to strain to keep my growing affection for him from being too obvious. I already had a feeling he knew about my feelings, mostly from the way he always chose to sit at an angle from me, rather than next to or across from me, when we were in the library. It was clear enough that he didn't share my feelings, but I didn't mind having a one-sided love for him.

I'd already known he was beyond my reach, right from the start. I'd always known.

--------

My eyes watered as I put my fingers to my tingling lips, staring into those eyes that dared to look so warmly at me after forcing an unwanted kiss upon me. How could he? Who gave him permission to touch me in such a manner? When did my own feelings come to mean so little to one of the people I had started to trust?

"Come on, (y/n). You know he doesn't care about you. Light is so far beyond your reach, I doubt he even knows your there most of the time! You're just another fool reaching for something you can't have. Don't be like this anymore! I like you, why won't you understand that?! Why can't you-" His words were cut off by the sound of skin meeting skin, my hand tingling from the force I'd used to slap his face.

"Don't you ever touch me again or so help me, you'll WISH that Kira was the one to kill you!" The words were hissed out with so much hatred, more than I had ever felt before in my life. He stood there quietly holding his cheek, looking guiltily at the ground as I walked out of the classroom and into the empty hallway.

When I finally got home, I spent forever brushing my teeth, trying to get the taste of his lips out of my mind. After rinsing my mouth for the 7th time, I gave up and went to bed, crying myself to sleep that night.

--------

I looked up at the sky, having climbed onto the roof of my parent's house, unable to sleep any longer. I'd woken up from a nightmare, still able to feel phantom hands grabbing my wrists, my lips tingling again as tears rolled down my cheeks. I could tell already that I would have nightmares for weeks, if not months. I was just thankful that it hadn't gotten any further than a stolen kiss.

Reaching my trembling hand up, I slowly closed my fingers as I stared at the stars above me.

"Just because I can't reach the stars, doesn't mean I'll give up looking up them, admiring how brightly they shine."

--------

I hadn't meant to hear him, mumbling softly to himself as he passed by the otherwise empty classroom where I was picking up the papers I had dropped on the floor. I hadn't wanted the peaceful illusion he'd crafted so carefully to be shattered. I most surely hadn't wanted to ever feel something other than gratitude and affection towards him.

I'd never wanted to fear him, even for just a moment. After all, feeling something like that for the one person who had given me so much hope broke something deep inside of me.

--------

I stood there, trembling in front of him as he stared at me in confusion.

"What did you say, (y/n)?" His soft whisper barely reached my ears before dying out, no chance of being heard by anyone other than the two of us.

Not that there was anyone nearby, the park dark and empty as the rain pattered against the umbrella's that sheltered us. The nearby lights were just bright enough for him to make out my tear-stained cheeks and red eyes as I lifted my head and met his gaze.

"I know you are Kira. I heard you in the hallway, talking to yourself about... about... Please, just kill me! I won't turn you in! I can't turn you in, but I can't live with this knowledge either! Please!" I fell to my knees, sobbing quietly as the umbrella rolled to the side, slowly being swept away by the wind.

As the rain washed down my face, mixing with the tears, I felt a hand gently placed on my head. Looking up, I saw a strange blend of confusion and understanding on his face, his eyes filled with a sadness I didn't quite understand.

"I'm sorry. I can't." With those two simple words, he got up and turned, walking away from me without looking back once as he left me with a strange sense of warmth before the despair filled me again.

--------

It was many years before I looked back on that night, having somehow carried on through the turmoil that filled my life. As my fingers trailing lovingly over the cold stone of his grave, I didn't think about Kira, the would-be god who killed so many. Instead, I thought only of Light, the boy who I had loved so much that I had run away and hid myself from the world, just to avoid spilling his secret by accident.

Because of him, I had put value on the life he had once more given new meaning to, the life he had refused to take even as it was so freely offered to him.

"I would have died for you that night, Light. Now, I live for you."