Double Dose (Part 9)

My Name Is Mizery, Mizery Is My Name

"Control it, control it. You're stronger than the voices, stronger than this disease". I whispered to myself in my darkened, little room in the wall's.

A cold sweat drenched my face as I rocked to and fro trying to get my mind under control. Normally this work's but as of late I've noticed the attacks last longer and are harder for me to defeat. I blame it on all of the occurrences that's taken place over the past few year's. When I'm under substantial stress it becomes more aggressive. Recently I overheard my parent's talking and mom wants to up my dosage of meds. Of course of they do I'll have no choice but to take it but I fear I'll lose more of myself.

Eventually my breathing turned to normal and the sweats disappeared. Carefully, I placed the portrait of my grandparents that I had been clutching back on the tiny table. The frame had left imprints on my hands from where I held it so tight. Duiring my episodes it helps to concentrate on one certain object and it just so happens to be their picture.

I continued to stare at their smiling faces and willed myself to cry but no tears came, they never do. I couldn't cry when my beloved dog Sampson died. I can't cry at sappy movie's and my grandparents death didn't even bring forth a tear. Not that it doesn't hurt or that I don't feel some kind of way because I do. My chest gets constricted and I feel a deep ache in my heart but I just can't cry. Many time's when I'm alone I've tried to force myself to cry. I've even pictured my grandparents dead bodies riddled with bullet holes and still nothing. As odd as it may sound I feel that if I could cry my disease would get better. I harbor all of this built up anger, sadness and stress and it needs released. Sometimes I spar with the boy's but that doesn't even help.

I know my mom loves me, she reminds me how great I am everyday but I can't help but think that I have failed her. She's stunning and men stop in their track's just to gaze at her which drives my already insane dad even crazier but me, I'm just plain old Mizery. There's nothing special about me. Yes, I do boast my mom's figure but I hide it under loose, baggy clothing. My hair is more of a nuisance than a halo. If I didn't know how to twist it into a bun or pull it into a ponytail I'd be in trouble. Thankfully messy buns are all the rage currently so at least I can pull that off. When my hair hangs down freely I'm quite the image. It looks as if snakes are escaping from my skull. Yes, I know mom would be thrilled if I allowed her to tame my mane but it's just not me.

When alone, sometimes I stare at my reflection in the mirror. I see a mix of my mom as well as my Pape but mostly I see London Harper as everyone claims I favor. I have a long, arrogant nose like his and high cheekbones that the women in the family envy. Then I have these big lips that protrude out like a platypus. As children my brother often teased me telling me that I could never hide because of my big lips.

Sometimes I test my smile out in the mirror and it just looks to forced and not to mention like an evil serpent. No, I'm more at ease in my dismal state.

Lighting my lavender candle, I eased back onto one of the many pillows I used to soften the concrete floor. Closing my eye's, I took deep breaths as to relax. Meditation was another tool that helped ease my troubled mind. Many time's I wished that I was normal, that I fit in. At school I watch the other girl's dress fancy, gush over boy's and make plans to meet up at the mall. Even the other girl's in my family did that but not me. I've never once had a female friend that I could relate to, bring home or talk on the phone with. My free time was spent hanging with the boy's and training. Thankfully my parent's didn't push me to find friend's because I was terrible at it.

I did try once at school. Her name was Hillary and she was the party girl with many friends. Duiring lunch one day I walked over and asked if I could join her and her friend's. Hillary looked up surprised that I had spoken and laughed. "What was that again? I'm sorry, I don't speak loser".

The other girl's laughed and joined in. "Go away dike, we don't swing your way."

" Is that really your hair or are you wearing a crown of hay? "

"Hey, the boy's football team called, they want their clothes back".

None of this hurt my feelings though, instead it angered me. Let's just say that in less than a minute I had each girl laid out on the floor crying in pain. Needless to say, my parent's removed me from that school and put me elsewhere. To this day I never told them why I attacked those girl's nor have I ever attempted to make friends again.

Still, I didn't cry.

Well I can't say that I don't have a friend anymore. Since Alice came into our lives we have bonded on a certain level. Occasionally she will invite me over when CJ is out to watch a movie and eat. Mainly there is no conversation, just silent company but it's like she understands me. Now Heir has brung this Tia into our family and I'm not sure how I feel about her. She's very glamorous but she is a big model. Still there's something there that reminds me of Hillary, the girl from school. I think that's why I'm so hard toward her.

Stretching my legs out before me my thoughts went to Chance. He's a little younger than me as well as my uncle. Chance tried to cling to me like a leech and I find it smothering. You see, Chance here's the voices too but hasn't told his parent's. He's afraid they'll put him in meds as well. I do believe that his case isn't as severe as mine because he doesn't act the way I or my Pape does. Chance likes to seek me out and discuss our condition and it bothers me. Yes, I've talked to him about it on occasion but I don't like to, it only reminds me of how fucked up I truly am. Mostly I avoid him now.

But what is stressing me the most is my encounter with Aiden. I'd love nothing more than to slit his throat. Something about him had always rubbed me wrong. Now I know he is hiding something and I intend to find out what. The night I was about to kill him those masked stranger's appeared. However what I find odd is that they didn't harm either of us. In fact it was if they rescued him from me. Then the way he looked and spoke to them. It was if he knew them and was being a smartass. Then the masked stranger's gave each other a knowing look and knocked him out as if they have wanted to do that for the longest time.

Later Aiden called me and I find it odd that he never mentioned the stranger's. If it were me, I'd be hunting them down. Something isn't right here and I believe that Aiden knows who they are. I didn't mention this to anyone because I intend to find Aiden myself and do my own investigating. What haunts me most is the eye's of one of the masked stranger's. When they laid my knife at my feet they stared at me for a moment and those eye's seemed so familiar. They also matched my fighting technique. Either way, I will find out soon. I intend to catch a flight in a few hour's and find out what Aiden and the Marritas are up to. I'll only be gone a few day's and I know my family won't question it. There has to my seclusion and respect it.