Double Dose (Part 9)

New Me, Same You

"I've seen the darkest depths imaginable. I've felt emotional pain so deep I thought it would swallow me and it nearly did. I've battled thoughts of worthlessness, failure, self hate and believed that I was unlovable. I felt as if I was a burden to my family and that they would be better off without me.  Friend's, what was that? No one wanted to hang with the socially awkward. In a crowded room I felt alone, unnoticed.

But I never really was alone... Not as long as I had my voices". I paused and glanced over the audience that sat before me as I stood center stage in front of a pulpit dressed in feminine business attire.

I gave the audience time to let my last pharse penetrate before I continued. "You see those voices, your voices they love you. In fact they love you to Death. They grow stronger as they feed off of your insecurities, anxieties and pain. The worst part is that they can be so believable, convincing. They aren't happy unless they have total control of your mind and sometimes even your body. They ruin relationships among many other thing's. For year's I believed that there was no cure and the truth is that there isn't. This illness is your life long partner. After my last, most strongest episode I thought to myself.... Do I really have to live the rest of my life like this? The answer is no. Yes, this demon will always be with you but it doesn't mean that you have to allow it to feed off of you. I know, easier said than done right? Trust me I use to have those exact thoughts but I discovered a way to beat it, silence them and that's with self love and finally acknowledging that it's a part of who I am. Also with the help of medication, therapists, support groups and love one's you can learn to control it. This doesn't mean it completely goes away. I still have my bad day's but now I have learned different techniques to another them out. When I feel those voices knocking on my temporal lobe I immediately throw that energy into something else such as a vigorous work out and my research and dedication to helping other's. I encourage you to try it. When you feel a episode coming on pick up a paint brush, dance or cook. Pick up a hobby, anything to keep your mind busy. By doing this you can shut them out. You must train your mind and lead it in a different direction. No this isn't a permanent fix but it does wonders. I'm proof. Look at me, standing up here in front of an audience being the center of attention. Never in a million year's would I believe I could do this. That I could crawl out of my hole, expose my illness and speak to total stranger's but here I am. Thank you for your time and my websites information can be found on the back of the pamphlet you were given along with a crisis hotline number. Remember, you are not alone".

As I exited the stage by the side I was amazed at the applause I received. My parent's were waiting for me as I walked off. I exhaled a nervous breath. "Not bad for my first presentation huh?" I half joked.

" You did great". They both said.

A lot has transpired over the course of a few month's. Working along with a therapist and a small team I have launched my self help program. Today was my first speech at NYU and I have another one in two week's at Srycuse. Also I have a book on this condition in the work's. By throwing myself into studying this I've helped myself overcome it. I can control the voices much better now but I still have my moment's however they haven't been as severe. I'm still me, just better. I still seek refuge in my hole in the wall, love my snake Charlie and hang in my sweats when I'm not conducting business.

Speaking of business, I have been granted permission to start dabbling in the family business. In fact I have a important meeting with the family this evening. I've been doing my own investigations concerning the smaller groups that helped take my grandparents down. My G-Pap has aided me somewhat but mostly I did the deep digging. However he has been a great teacher and I get the feeling that he is training me in the same fashion that he trained my grandmother. Many night's I stay over at his place due to working late at night and even though he's hard on me while I train he still brings me a coffee or a treat while I'm working over mounds of paperwork in his home office. I'm not silly though, I know he goes behind me and checks just as he did with my grandmother. He corrects me when I'm wrong, gives his advice even when I haven't asked for it and he has prepped me for this upcoming meeting. However I feel that my presence is helping him cope with his own demons. It's beyond obvious that he is grieving over my grandmother. Sometimes I catch him laying on her chase lounge or stepping in her closet just to feel close to her. One morning I awoke to find him in the kitchen making her omelette. He was staring at the counter where she would sit as silent tears dripped from his eye's. I tiptoed away giving him his privacy. With him training me it keeps him busy and his mind occupied.

That evening came all too fast and I knew I was up against a tough audience that included Demarco. We all know how stubborn he can be. I purposely ran late. I wanted to make the same grand entrance that my grandmother was notorious for making. Taking a deep breath, I strode in with my head held high and my tall heels making a prominent clicking sound upon the marble floor. I was proud and talk as I entered. "This isn't a good first impression for your first meeting ". Demarco stated looking at his watch.

Shooting him a crimson smile, I said smartly. "Neither is your asshat attitude but you don't hear me complaining do you? Now can we move on?"

A few snickers wafted throughout the room as I took my seat and begin to pass out power point paper's I had drew up. "As some of you are aware I have conducted my research on these smaller yet powerful groups. Within these paper's you will find each group labeled along with their leader, location, size and much more. I suggest you study it. You have approximately two month's to learn it. We will make our strike then".

Just as I suspected Demarco had an outburst. "No one has given you the authority to make such calls".

" In fact I have been given permission ". I spoke calmly.

" I did ". My grandfather spoke up.

" what? You can't. She's too young and inexperienced ". Demarco demanded.

" I've worked along side of her. I assure you she's ready". Grandfather insisted.

"Whatever. Finish this meeting". Demarco hissed.

" The yearly underground meeting will be in two month's. I'm seeing to it that all will be there. We will have them all in one place at one time. Makes it much easier to take them out. I have signed up to give the speech for our family. During the speech I will announce grandfather's return and bring him on stage with me. I will make the first strike which will signal all of you and our men".

"It's too risky. Thing's could go wrong. What if the innocent group's present. If we misjudge and harm them it would be a war?"

" I've already thought of that as well. Two of the innocent families have declined the invitation this year. That leaves only eight innocent famlies. The Allisters, The Franks, The Cornells, The Stavinos, The Macintyres, The Borcoas, The Espinzos, and the Marrittias. All of this information is including in the paper's. We will give them all a heads up in time for them to leave the building in a quiet, unknowingly manner to avoid being caught up".

"Well then, I guess there's not much I can say is there? You've already got it all planed to a tee". Demarco sneered.

Then Duel laughed. "I never heard Aiden's bride's family's name amongst the names of the innocent" .

The other's shot Duel a deadly glare and he said in a high pitched tone. "What'd I do?"

" Get out" Demarco growled at him.

As Duel left I eyed each one of them demanding answers. "Someone explain" .

My grandfather chose to take the heat. "Miz, Aiden married Hazel Tornelli two week's ago".

That was a bitter pill to swallow. Yes, I still think of Aiden daily and I'll probably always regret losing him but how can he get married so soon to another? It hasn't barely been six month's since our split. My hopes was to present myself to him as a stronger, better person later on but seems someone pulled the rug from under me. I begin to hear my voices kicking in and knew I had to fight it. This was a test, a test I was determined to pass. I wanted to be mad, I wanted to blow Aiden up and I wanted to thrash my family for keeping this from me but I knew they meant well. Taking a deep breath, I put my queen face back on and shook those voices. "If you claim that her family isn't one of the innocent one's then she goes too".

I went to rise as Demarco spoke. "And that would wage a war with Aiden and the Marrittias".

" So be it". I said and left.