Double Dose (Part 9)

Marietta

My life has taken a complete turn around. I'm no longer that sulky, moody, fast tempered tomboy....or am I? These day's I'm rarely caught without some dressy garment draped over my body. My makeup is always on point and my hair never out of place. I am finally the young lady everyone has always wanted me to be.

Don't mix it up though. Underneath my swanky clothing my grandfather's dagger still rests upon my thigh. I continue to fight all my aggression out in the gym and still spend a lot of my time in my hole in the wall. In other word's I hide my true self, my craziness. Seems as long as I walk around looking like a prize and smile everyone accepts me. My now constant best friend's are Tia and Alice. If I'm not with Finn, I'm with them or we are all together.

Sure, since my transformation many of the girl's around here want to be my buddy and I'm friendly enough to them but in my mind I've already killed them a dozen time's a dozen different ways. When I was just Mizery the crazy girl they didn't crack a smile. Now that I'm Mizery, future queen they all want a taste. Except for Alice and Tia, they accepted me for me. I'd kill for those bitches.

Finn and I are doing okay as far as relationships go. It's been three month's since I asked him out and since then I guess you could say we are an item. Yes, we go out, hold hands and kiss but that's about as far as I've allowed him to go. I do want to have sex and be rid of the virgin title but every time I say this is the night I back out. I don't know why, I'm not scared of anything but it just doesn't seem right. I do like Finn, he's great but I know that I'm not in love. Thankfully he hasn't said those word's to me yet because truthfully I don't know if I could say them back. Pape loves him but I guess he would. Finn allows Pape to dictate every aspect of our dating life but I guess he doesn't have much of a choice given that my Pape is the king.

But yes, Finn is respectful of me and spends plenty of time with me but sometimes I get the feeling that it's because of who I am and what I'm to become. I think Finn prides himself on the fact that he snagged the kings daughter and future king. He's just one of my father's men so that puts him in the low end of the totem pole. However since I've been seeing him my Pape has moved further up the ladder. Plus if our relationship continues and perhaps we marry, Finn will shoot straight to the top because of my title. I've even heard him brag about our relationship to the other men and I don't like how it makes me feel. My mind already runs rampant enough, I don't need to worry if the man I'm with us only here for the perks my title brings. However, Finn has never really given me the indication that that's the case.

Then there's my dark time's, the time's I try not to remember but can't forget. I'll curl into my hole in the wall for the day and that's when I'm his. There's no one there but me and his memory. I'll pull out a shoebox from underneath the table that I keep well hidden, from who I don't know because no one ever comes in here. Inside are pictures that I copied off my phone. They include photos of us at the beach that night and at his cabin. I'll leaf through them and smile at a memory. Sometimes I wonder what he's doing now and if I ever cross his mind. Then sometimes I imagine how thing's would be now if we weren't forbidden to each other. Would we still be together? Would I still be a virgin? Would our families eventually have accepted our relationship? Even to this day I haven't shared intimate details of my life with Finn as I did with Aiden. Aiden knows thing's about me that no other person on this earth knows.

However I have more in the box than photo's. The clothes of his that I wore home after I invaded his house are safely tucked away in there. I'll hold them to me and breath them in but to my disappointment his scent is beginning to fade. Occasionally I'll bring him up to Tia and Alice, they are aware of my hang up on him but they tell me that I'm better off without all the trouble that would surely come from seeing him. Although they tell me not to settle for Finn if my hearts not in it. Basically I'm just existing.