Double Dose (Part 9)

The Truth Will Set You Free

Life is all about making mistakes and learning from them. We all make mistakes, sometimes we do it over and over again even though we know what the outcome will be. Some mistakes are small and fade quickly but then some mistakes are so big that they can change your life in a blink of an eye. It just so happens that my mistake is a life changer.

I won't deny it, when I first laid eye's on Alice back at that coffee shop I fell head over heels. Her smile lit up the room and her wholesome ways and beauty snatched my heart... Or what I assumed was my heart. I do love her but it's not the type of love I should hold for her, for my wife. I love her for caring for me, for accepting me and helping me through a dark time in my life. My love for her is that of what you would feel for a friend.

Yes, I know I went through hoops of fire to make her mine, demanded that we are and at the time I thought it was because I loved her and that she was the one for me. However as time went on I found myself wanting other women, wanting more. If I truly loved Alice I shouldn't be having those feelings and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her or admit that I was wrong about our love.

As time continued I did a lot of thinking and my only conclusion was that at one time Alice was my safe place, my shoulder to cry on. I had just lost my grandparents and needed to feel something. In my grief I latched those feelings of need onto her. I wanted to recreate what my grandparents had and something about her reminded me of my grandmother. Alice listened to my hurt and made it her own. She held me, supported me and helped me through my grief. I mistook my feelings of comfort for love. I do still care for Alice and I always will but I'm simply not in love with her. To stay with her wouldn't be fair to either of us.

Alice deserves so much more than my lies. Of course at first I refused to let her go or divorce me but it was only to save face. No one likes to admit that their marriage failed, especially when everyone warned you that rushing in was wrong, that your marriage was doomed from the start. However there's nothing more I want than a divorce, my freedom back.

Since Alice exposed my dirty doings and we argued I haven't seen her. I've been crashing at my parent's place trying to avoid this entire situation but it has to be settled. During this time I have given deep thought about what I should do to try and make this right or as right as I can. Taking a deep breath I let myself into my apartment. It was nearing nine at night so I knew Alice would be there.

Walking deeper into my home I saw Alice sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee. Clearing my throat to announce my presence Alice jumped startled. When she saw me she started to get up and fear marred her face. I held my hands up in surrender and spoke. "I'm just here to talk. Nothing more. You are safe".

Still unsure, Alice sat in a tense state. I eased into the chair across from her. "First let me apologize for everything especially hitting you. I never wanted any of this to happen but sadly it did" .

"Why CJ?" Alice whispered in a broken voice that caused my heart to ache.

" I have no good answer for that other than you made me feel happy during a dark time in my life. I mistook those feelings for love. I know that sounds bad but I'm trying to be as honest as I can. I owe you that".

Alice bit back a sob. "So you never loved me?"

I hung my head in shame. "I do love you but not the way I should. I don't love you the way a husband should love his wife".

Alice shook her head in anguish as tears leaked from her eye's. It killed me knowing that I was hurting her so. "Why CJ, why?" She asked trying to make sense of what I was saying.

" I latched onto you during a tough time and thought my feelings were love. I wanted to feel love so bad during that time that my own heart lied to me".

"And I guess you found it with this woman named Caroline?" Alice hissed in anger.

I shook my head no and worked up the courage to reveal the rest of my betrayal. "No. I've yet to find love with her or any of the other's" .

"Other's?" She wailed.

" Yes. There has been more than just Caroline. None of them meant anything and truthfully I'm not out looking for love. My family was right. We rushed into this and for that I am sorry. Believe me I never wanted to hurt you and had I'd known it would have come to this I wouldn't have went through with it. I'm telling you this now because you deserve to know. It has nothing to do with you. Alice you are a wonderful person and I didn't deserve you, no one does. You deserve to be loved to the fullest, to be happy and cherished but I can't give you that and I'm sorry".

Alice sat there crying but hugging her right now would be the wrong answer. "You're a coward CJ. You're horrible and a liar".

" I agree Alice. I'm every bad name that's in the book. I won't deny that but you deserve the truth".

Alice tossed her hands up in the air in disdain. "So now what? Huh? Am I suppose to continue to stay in this sham of a marriage? Continue to be your prisoner?"

Slowly I reached into my coat pocket and revealed some paper's. "Here is our divorce paper's. I've already signed. All you need to do is sign and we both will be free. However there is more. I owe you Alice and I would never see you suffer. You will be given a huge sum of money to start fresh. You can remain to work for my mother of you wish. You will always be family and we will always be here for you if you need anything. I've chosen you apartment that I will pay for until you decide to move. Also because you have ties to me you will have men to watch you to ensure your safety. Rest assured, they will not interfere with your life, just keep you safe".

" so this is it? We are done? Just like that? "

My voice broke full of emotion. "I'm hurting too Alice. It kills me knowing I put you through so much considering all you've been through. I realize I'm losing someone great, someone special and I will miss our friendship. I only hope that one day you can forgive me. "

I stood up and started at her for a long moment. I badly wanted to reach out and console her but I didn't want to give her hope either. "Take your time. You are welcome to stay here as long as you need."

I stepped toward the door and looked at her back and could see her shaking from her pain. "I'm so sorry. Goodbye Angel".