Dear Future Husband

March 8, 2019

Dear My Person,

I surprised myself today.

I really did.

Not a bad surprise.

A good surprise.

My week avoiding Alina had been pretty successful. I reworked my locker schedule, Mrs. Bradley was out sick Tuesday and hasn't been back since— therefore setting back the lab schedule— and I had not seen Alina once other than in chem where we did not speak. I had almost (almost) forgotten why I was ignoring her until today, when everything got fucked up.

We had a tutoring session today and when I popped in to Mrs. Bradley's room to check for Alina, I was surprised to see she wasn't there. For the record, if she was there I would've made up some excuse that I couldn't make it and quickly leave like the asshole I was, but lucky for me, she wasn't there.

So I marched my happy little coward ass outside and started towards my car when I saw Alina sitting on a bench outside of school.

I considered going back inside and going out a different door, but figured she got the idea by now and we both could just happily ignore each other.

I pulled out my phone and pretended to be engrossed in it as I walked by her. I had just about passed when I heard her say "Hey, Grant."

I stopped, blood surging into my feet urging me to just keep walking, but being friendly wouldn't hurt anyone. I had already been enough of a dick, I could throw her a bone. "Hey." I responded curtly, starting back on my way.

"I know what you've been doing, ok?" She spoke up. "I get it, but you could at least pretend like I'm a human being."

I turned around, looking at her beautiful, upset face. What? Beautiful? Where was this coming from? There it was again, that feeling. That urge to want to touch her. I pushed it down. Not now. "You're right, I'm sorry. Uh," I shoved my hands awkwardly in my pockets. "Do you need a ride?" Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"It's ok," She smiled at me weakly. "Clarissa should be done in half an hour."

I nodded, smiling back as I started to walk away again, then I stopped. "Half an hour is kind of a long wait, are you sure you don't want a ride?" I turned around and she didn't show signs of accepting. She understood completely all of the messages I was sending. She understood that we couldn't be friends anymore and that it was awkward now, except she didn't understand. I didn't want to not be friends anymore. Those were the messages I was sending, but we were nowhere near on the same page. "Come on, I'll give you a ride."

She didn't argue with me too much, but I could tell she didn't really feel comfortable.

Her hand touched mine a couple times when we were walking and I just wanted to take it so bad. I wanted to feel her warm palm against mine and it was messing me up. I couldn't walk further apart from her either and just not touch her because I wanted to so bad.

We got in the car and I put the key in the ignition, wondering why I would offer her a ride in the first place. "How have you been?" I fought the urge to look at her because I knew that if I did, then I wouldn't be able to fight the urge to touch her. My fingers were twitching, that's how bad it was. This is a bad idea, I kept thinking. I don't like Alina. I don't.

She took a deep breath. "Honestly, kind of confused and not happy," I don't like Alina. "and I told myself I wasn't going to have this conversation now," I don't like Alina. "but I deserve an explanation-"

What happened next I couldn't control. It was like really wanting to tell someone something and holding it back so much until finally, you just can't take it anymore and you just say it and you feel so much better that it's finally out, even if it kind of hurts. But the thing was, it didn't really hurt all that much, it was kind of a relief.

I'm so bad at talking and trying to convey what I'm feeling, but I'm good at doing. I can do something that shows exactly how I feel, and that's what I did.

I kissed her.

I more than satisfied my urge to touch her, and so many thoughts started running through my head. First, was that I probably looked like a douchebag. I just kissed her without her consent and while I was pretty sure she liked me, she could still have definitely not wanted me to kiss her, and I was being a Brad right now. Second, did I smell bad? I feel like I forgot to put on cologne this morning, and I can't smell myself, but I was worried maybe she thought I smelled bad. Lastly, I like Alina.

Like, like like her. I like liked her a lot. Before I just didn't want to accept it. I lied to myself and I don't know why because lying to myself messed everything up. I didn't want to believe that I liked my ex's little sister who was a nice sophomore, and now that I did admit it to myself it felt good.

Especially because I realized it while kissing her.

I pulled away and she looked surprised, and a little dazed too. Her eyebrows were high on her forehead and her mouth was hanging open a little bit and she was breathing heavily.

"I'm sorry," I muttered. "I just hate talking and that wasn't ok and I should've asked first or just never given you a ride at all and-"

I didn't finish because she kissed me.

And I felt a lot better.

My hands were still shaking a little so I took her face in my hands, deepening the kiss that felt so fucking good.

Her lips were as warm as her hands and she was a pretty good kisser for a sophomore, and she smelled really good, like fruity shampoo or something, and her cheeks were really warm, they were like heating pads for my hands.

We kissed for a while until she pulled away. "We don't have to talk."

"Ok." I whispered, a little dazed myself to be honest.

I cleared my throat and started to drive, my hand not shaking anymore, but still kind of wanting to touch her.

I looked over at her a few times to find her looking out the window smirking a little, her face bright red.

After ten minutes of a silent, but hot car ride, I pulled into her driveway. She looked over at me, and I couldn't help myself once again, I just had to kiss her.

She wound her arms tight around my neck and finally, I got to hold her as I wrapped my arms around her back, pulling her close to me. She was so warm. And my dick was going crazy.

Fucking hell, I like like Alina.

After a few pretty intense minutes, we both pulled away and she unwound her arms from my neck, but I didn't want to take my arms off her.

"Thanks for the ride." She said softly, obviously fighting herself to hide a smile.

I took a deep breath. "You still deserve an explanation and I can give you one, tomorrow night at seven, I can pick you up for dinner."

"Ok." She said, starting to open the door, forcing me to take my arms back. "Tomorrow night, at seven."

"I'm paying." I said.

"Ok." She said, slinging her back over her shoulder. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow."

She smiled at me one last time before getting out and half running half skipping up to the door.

So today could've been a royal fuck up, but it turned out quite nice if I do say so myself.

I'm feeling pretty good.

-Grant