Dear Future Husband

April 4, 2019

Dear My One,

Alina cares.

A lot.

Almost too much.

No, not too much.

But no one has ever cared like this before.

All my other girlfriends only cared about how they looked and how I looked with them and sex and how many goals I scored in lacrosse and dumb shit that would only benefit them. They didn't care, most of my teachers didn't care, hell, even my family doesn't care. Alina, she cares, and I don't know if that's just who she is or if she just likes me a lot or if somehow caring this much would benefit her.

Today we were driving home like we usually were when kind of a touchy subject came up.

"We never got chips and guac the other day." She said, hinting at Chipotle.

"I wish I could but I have a family thing. Definitely tomorrow though." I had to go house shopping with my mom and I would rather do literally anything else. She was making me go with her even though I could give two shits about what house she got. As long as I had a bed, window, and a big fridge I would be ok. But no, she insists that she wants the whole family's opinions because "Unlike your father's house, we are going to have a home." Even though his house was literally her house and she made no effort to make it even in the least bit homey. The bitterness continues.

"So he has a family." Alina laughs, looking over at me. "God, that's the first you have ever mentioned them."

Naturally, I immediately regretted saying anything. If you haven't noticed, I kind of hate talking about my family, especially when there is still an ongoing, messy divorce that I would not like to disclose to my happy girlfriend with a happy, perfect family. Too awkward. "There isn't much to mention." I mutter.

"Come on, I want to hear about them. Siblings?" She asked in her happy way.

"Yeah." I responded tersely.

"Do they have names?" She laughed, not getting the hint.

I sighed with annoyance. "April, Jade, and Will."

"How old?"

"Why do you want to know so bad?"

She looked taken aback. "I don't know, it's just something very important in your life I don't know about and am curious to know."

"Yeah well they aren't that important." I mumbled.

"What do you mean? They're your family, nothing gets more important than that." Her face fell. "Is your home life ok?" She asked quietly. "Grant, you know if anyone hurt you-"

"Jesus, Alina, it's not like that." I took a deep breath, trying not to get so annoyed with her. It wasn't her fault. "You know what, let's just not talk about this anymore. Yes, I have a family. No, I do not like to talk about them."

"Grant," She said softly, putting her hand on my arm gently as I drove. "You can tell me anything, you know that. If there is anything that's on your mind, you can tell me. I won't judge you or tell anyone. I'm here for you."

I reached my arm up and scratched my head, shrugging her hand off of me. "I told you, I'm fine." I didn't mean to snap, but I kind of snapped. I didn't want to talk about this.

She pulled her hand back down and sat with her hands folded in her lap.

We drove in silence for a few minutes and I was grateful for it. It kept me from saying anything stupid.

"I'm just trying to help." She said meekly as I pulled into her neighborhood, obviously noticing my brash attempt to avoid this.

We got to her house and she said a quick goodbye before getting out and hurrying up to the door.

I shouldn't have treated her like that, I know that, but I just didn't know what to say. Like I said, no one has ever cared like this before. If I ever attempted to share anything with anyone, I was quickly brushed off or the topic changed. I never learned how to express things with words. Like I've said, I like to skip the talking and cut to the chase, even if that just means cutting corners to avoid words. Words were hard. Talking was hard. People ignored my voice. They couldn't avoid my actions.

But Alina, she seemed like she actually cared, and maybe she did, but I think I'm just too scared to test that theory. I'm too scared to trust again just to be fucked in the ass and cast aside. Alina was great, she was amazing, but I thought the same about everyone else who I convinced myself I could trust. Maybe she was like all of the rest of them. Maybe she didn't care.

But what if she did care, and I'm too paranoid to see it?

Bottom line, I trust you. I trust you and love you with all of my being and I know that you won't cast me aside, and I won't cast you aside.

I just wish I knew who you were.

-Grant