Dear Future Husband

July 27, 2019

Dear Future Wife,

Sasha is my girl.

I never thought I would get to say that about anyone, but I'm happy that now I do.

It's crazy how you can have a best friend that you can paint your nails, shop, and do all of the girly stuff with, but also make out and flirt and be in a romantic relationship with at the same time. Every day I'm learning new things about us and myself and it's crazy to think I have so many layers I haven't even begun to peel back yet, like the fact that I actually love PDA. I know how that sounds, but there's just something that makes me feel proud when I kiss Sasha on the cheek in public or making out in the car in the middle of the Chipotle parking lot. Maybe it's the fact that I don't care what people think about me. Or even the fact that Sasha and I love the same kinds of food and music, you would've thought we were twins.

It feels great.

Everything in our relationship has been great, except for one little thing that I can't shake.

Sasha wants to have sex.

For starters, I don't even know how to go about having sex with her. I act like I totally get it, but I totally don't at all. Of course I've seen how they portray girls having sex in movies, but was that how they actually do it? Was there a specific method that was most effective?

All of that aside, the main reason it makes me uncomfortable is the fact that I want to save myself for you, and no, I don't classify sex as P in V. There are a lot of different things I would count as sex, and doing things with Sasha, particularly naked things, are included.

Believe it or not, I have never been involved with anyone else's sexual organs, nor have they been involved in mine. The most Grant and I ever did was kiss (although at times it did get a bit steamy) along with the occasional hand on my boob or butt, but always clothed. Grant and I dated for three months and that's as far as we got, and I had only been dating Sasha a few weeks and I wasn't ready to do anything crazy.

Whenever we are making out, she will make a move for the inside of my thighs or puts her hands under my shirt and I know what she is implying, but I never act on it other than to cough or adjust positions so that she doesn't go any farther.

We've never officially talked about it, but she always brings it up in conversation like it's no big deal, whether it be "There was this one girl I slept with..." or "I get the worst cramps after sex." It's like she's trying to send me a message or something, and honestly sometimes it worries me. Whether it be the fact she is implying that she wants to have sex with me, or the fact that she's done it before and it doesn't seem as sacred to her as it is to me, and I don't want to just be her sex toy.

Other than that and the fact that Lewis isn't particularly fond of her, things have been great and I couldn't be happier.

Wherever you are, whoever you are, and whenever you're ready, I'll be waiting.

Xoxo, Alina