Dear Future Husband

July 26, 2019

Dear my beginning and end,

Today was my last day in Malibu and I hope I never go back again.

I know what you're thinking, what happened to make you say this? You were having such a good time, you were so happy, what changed? Nothing changed. I had a good time, but I wasn't happy. Nothing in Malibu made me happy, the only thing that makes me happy is back in Seattle, the city I hate so fucking much where the sun never shines, but I was wrong. I thought coming all the way to Malibu would bring the sun to me, but that's not the case. The sun is in Seattle, and it always has been.

Tonight I was sitting on the beach with Rena and we were saying our goodbyes as we laid with each other on the sand watching the sun set in each other's arms, and it seemed so perfect, but there was something off. The same thing that had been off this whole trip.

"Last day," I sighed. "It's been a good trip."

"It has," She said back, tracing circles on my chest. "Really good."

"Great weather too," I said with a smile, admiring the waves lapping against the shore.

"I'm really going to miss you." Rena said, sighing into my chest. "I don't want you to go."

"I know," I said, stroking her arm. "But you should know the drill by now. Goodbyes are tough."

"I don't want to say goodbye," She said, sitting up. "Grant, I've never felt this way about any other guy before, but I really can't imagine not being with you."

I propped myself up on my shoulders to meet her gaze. "Rena, we've spent a lot of time together, probably more time than you've ever spent with any other guy, of course it's going to be different."

"No, Grant, I'm serious," She took my hand, biting her lip and laughing a little. "I never thought I would say this, but I love you."

I scoffed, my best attempt to hide a full out laugh because I didn't want to be harsh. "Come on, Rena-"

"I'm being serious, Grant," She said, running a hand through my hair. "I love you and I really want to be with you."

"Rena, I live a thousand miles away, it would never work." I said, a little annoyed that she was saying this. I get that we didn't agree not to fall in love, but she was being irrational.

"I know," She pressed her lips together, looking down at her hands, then taking mine in them. She looked back up at me with a gleam of hope in her eyes. "I have an aunt that lives on Mercer island, I'm sure she would let me stay with her-"

"No," I said. "You can't do that."

"Why not? It could work-"

"It couldn't."

"Grant, I know you might not love me yet, and that's fine, but we still like each other a lot and I think we should explore this-"

"We shouldn't."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm in love with Alina."

I didn't know how those words made it into my mouth. I didn't know where they came from, or how they got there, or why I knew they were true. I honestly hadn't thought about Alina in days. Well, I guess that's not true, because I woke up every morning thinking of her and went to bed with her on my mind. I hadn't thought about loving her or even going back and seeing her in days. It had just been memories here and there of the two of us, or the breakup playing back in my mind, or even just wondering how her parents were doing. Just little things that had somehow turned themselves into the big L word.

Once I said it, it felt like everything made sense. It felt like I knew what I was doing for the first time in seventeen years. It felt like I was free. It felt like I had found my happiness. I knew how to be happy, and that didn't involve staying here, and it definitely didn't involve Rena.

"What?" She asked, tears filling her eyes. "Who's Alina?"

"I'm in love with Alina," I repeated, dumbfounded, the words feeling like cotton candy coating my mouth. I let go of Rena's hands. "I always have been."

From the moment we kissed I knew there was something different about her. There was something that felt right, something that just made me feel so ecstatic yet calm at the same time. All through our relationship, even when it got hard, that feeling never left me. Even when we broke up, I still felt that way about her. Even when I was kissing Rena, I was secretly longing for Alina again because she was the only one that made me feel the way I was meant to feel. Every issue I've had in my life always seemed to be solved by her. She is my happiness, my answer, my sunshine, my end-all be-all, my best friend, my comfort, the reason I got up in the morning and the reason I could go to bed happy at night. She is my everything. She is everything that I've been believing you to be.

"I'm sorry, Rena," I said, standing up. At this point she was crying, and I would've made a better effort to calm her down, but there were too many things running through my head right now. "I have to go, and I appreciate all of the time we spent together but we're not meant to be together and I hope you have a great life. Honestly, I mean that."

All the way back to the house I felt like I was going to pass out. It was overwhelming and invigorating at the same time and it made me so anxious. I wanted to see her right now, I wanted to tell her how I felt and why I felt it. I considered calling her, but knew it was a conversation to be had in person.

I just wanted to get home and see her. I wanted to see her so bad I considered stealing a car and driving the entire eighteen hours straight through because I just couldn't wait.

I need my sunshine back.

I need my happiness.

I need Alina.

Love, Grant