Dear Future Husband

August 6, 2019

Dear Future Wife,

I woke up this morning feeling like absolute crap.

My head felt like it was filled with peanut butter, my stomach was in a constant state of uncomfortable churning, and my breath smelled like something had died in it. Had I really gotten that drunk last night? I barely remembered anything following my fight with Sasha.

Crap.

Sasha invited me to yet another party last night and I agreed to go. I had a lot of fun last time, and with her it was always a good time, so I figured why not. This time, it was a high school party and I felt a lot more comfortable than I did last time.

I made myself a drink and got comfortable talking with all of my friends again. I felt like I hadn't seen anyone in so long, I just haven't had the time nor motivation, plus it was hard with everyone going on vacation.

I was extremely happy to see Kendra in particular, who had been on a mission trip to the Dominican Republic for the past month. I talked with her for easily half an hour, laughing and reminiscing like we used to and it felt really good to reconnect with her, especially because she was one of the people who was by my side during the Grant era, and it was nice to know our friendship wasn't ruined because of it since she was still with Matt.

I lost track of time and of Sasha, and I found her standing in the corner of the backyard most of the night, glaring at me once in a while, so I found a break in the conversation to go talk to her.

"Hey, babe," I said, kissing her on the cheek. "Sorry, I got caught up. Wanna dance?" I asked, biting my lip as I moved my hips a little.

"Why don't you ask Kendra?" She asked, crossing her arms.

Did she really feel threatened by my best friend? "Because Kendra has a boyfriend, and you're my girlfriend." I said. "And I want to dance with you."

"Honestly, Alina, I don't know what you're thinking talking to other girls like this."

"She's my best friend," I laughed. "I haven't seen her in months, we were just catching up, you have nothing to worry about." I reached for her hand but she yanked it away.

"I'm supposed to be your best friend, and I'm the one who brought you to this party so if you want to hoe around, do it on your own time without me." She said, her voice starting to rise.

I had begun to sense a streak of jealousy I hadn't noticed before in her, and it wasn't that little jealousy that is healthy in a relationship, it was the kind that completely isolates you. "Sasha, I don't understand why you're thinking this way. There are other girls and boys on this planet I'm going to have to interact with, and that doesn't mean I feel for them what I feel for you."

"You don't have to interact with those people for half an hour and leave me by myself!" She shouted, throwing her hands up.

"Sasha, please just calm down-"

"No!" She said angrily. "I won't calm down! You say it's nothing but it's always something! Even if it's a small something, it's something! It means that you would rather talk to some random bitch than to me and I'm supposed to be your girl, Alina! So why doesn't it feel that way?"

A roar of laughter and upset screams came from the house but I hardly noticed it, I was getting so upset at this point, I was fighting back tears. I didn't want her to feel like she was second best, because she wasn't, but I didn't know how to convince her that I wasn't cheating on her. Every little thing I did she found a way to turn against me, and I don't know why. "I'm sorry, Sasha, I really am. I didn't mean to hurt you and I hope I never do again, but I need you to just trust me like I trust you." I replied calmly.

She just scoffed in response and I couldn't take it anymore. I had to leave before she tried to accuse me even further and before I started crying.

I went back in the house and filled up a cup of tequila to try to make this awful feeling go away. I remember going into the living room to try to find Kendra to talk to her, but ran into one of Grant's teammates who asked me to join a game of beer pong, and that's as much as I remember. I assume I took him up on his beer pong offer and got blackout drunk which is unusual for me, but I made it home safely so that was a good sign.

But the question was, how did I get home?

I woke up wearing a sweatshirt I had never seen before and wondered if maybe, hopefully, it was Sasha's. Maybe she had somewhat forgiven me and gave me a ride home after I was at my worst, but it seemed too big to be hers.

I went downstairs and found Clarissa on the couch watching Netflix and eating Lucky Charms straight out of the box.

"And the alcoholic lives," She said, eyeing me as I trudged towards the fridge.

"Stop," I muttered back, my head feeling like it was being stomped on. "I think I've learned my lesson."

"Good." She replied. "Even I don't get that drunk, and you're supposed to be the good child." She snorted.

"Did you bring me home last night?" I asked her.

She scoffed. "No, I was sleeping."

"Who did?"

She glanced at me over her shoulder, swallowing hard. "I don't know, I was sleeping."

I shrugged. "Whoever it was, I owe them a thank you."

"Any decent person would do it, I wouldn't worry about it." She said.

I ate some oatmeal to try to soothe my angry stomach then went back upstairs to get ready for the day, which judging by how I felt right now was going to be rough.

I hoped whoever brought me home would come forward so I could give them their sweatshirt back, but it had chunks of vomit on it so I don't know how bad they really wanted it. As I pulled it off my head, I got a good whiff of it's insides and placed the smell exactly, my brain shooting dopamine at the sensing of the smell. I knew that smell anywhere. That smell made me relax, that smell reminded me of happy things, that smell was a good smell.

It was Grant.

At first I was filled with confusion, then panic, then anger. Why did I have Grant's sweatshirt? Did I do something with him last night? Why would he take advantage of me like that?

I immediately went back downstairs and confronted Clarissa. "Did Grant bring me home last night? Are you trying to protect him or something?" I asked, my face getting hot.

Her eyes grew wide and she swallowed hard. "How did you know?"

"I was wearing his sweatshirt. Clarissa, did we...?"

"No! God, no, Alina! You were barely conscious, he brought you home, put you in bed, then left. If you did something with him, you would know, believe me. You would feel it-"

"Okay," I said, squeezing my eyes shut, not wanting to hear the details. "Did he say anything?" I wasn't going to lie, I was disappointed Sasha didn't bring me home and confused as to why he would after dumping me a month ago.

"He said that you were really drunk and that he couldn't find Sasha, so he decided to bring you home safely. He asked me not to tell you because he knew you would freak out like this but I promise you, Alina, he was just trying to help."

My heart fell. He couldn't find Sasha? She wasn't looking out for me? I had to get a ride home from my ex because my girlfriend couldn't be there?

"Don't be mad at him, okay?" She asked. "His heart was in the right place and I know you hate him, but he was there. He was there when no one else was and I think that means something, Alina."

"Stop," I said, getting mad. "I'm with Sasha, okay? Grant broke up with me. I don't have feelings for him anymore and though I'm grateful for what he did for me, it doesn't mean that we are going to be best friends again."

She sighed. "You're the smart one, Alina, so don't be stupid." She got up from the couch and started up the stairs.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, getting no response.

I didn't know what any of this meant or what I was supposed to do. There was only one thing I did know.

I needed to talk to Grant.

Xoxo, Alina