Dear Future Husband

August 15, 2019

Dear Future Husband,

Long time no see! I mean, literally because I've been writing to an imaginary wife for a while, but not my wife. I won't be marrying a woman I've decided, at least not that I can tell.

I'm writing to you from a shiny gold notebook, one of the reasons I've kind of dropped off the face of the earth for a while. It took me a while to get a new notebook and with all that's been going on, I honestly haven't had time.

So I guess I should catch you up.

I talked to Grant about the night of the party and the things he told me made me sick to my stomach. Julian Rivers put drugs in my drink at that party and tried to have sex with me, but Grant stepped in before anything happened because Sasha was too busy kissing another girl to find where I was.

When he told me, I thought I was just in a bad nightmare and I would wake up. How could it be true? How could another guy try to rape me? Wasn't one enough? What had I done to deserve that? Do I put myself out there too much? Do guys think I'm easy? Do they think I'm weak? More importantly, how could I do this to myself? How could I let myself get in that situation again? I know I shouldn't blame myself, Brad and Julian are the ones to blame for their actions, but it's scary knowing I have to live in a world where I have to worry about things like that. I can't just go to a party and have a good time without thinking some guy will think I'm DTF. Even worse, there was a time I couldn't even walk down the school hallway without thinking Brad was going to attack me.

The only saving grace that came out of this whole thing is the fact that Grant stopped him before he could do anything. Grant was also the one who was there for me after the Brad incident happened. He was the only one that stuck up for me even when adults weren't. Without Grant, I don't know where I would be right now. It was comforting to know that not all guys were horrible rapists, there were still some good ones out there. Unfortunately, there are even some bad girls out there too, my girlfriend being one of them.

That was another thing I couldn't believe. We had just gotten in a fight over how she thought I was cheating on her simply by talking to my best friend, and she turned right around and made out with another girl. I thought Grant was lying about that just to try to weaken me, so I confronted Sasha.

We made up the day after the party. I texted her and apologized for offending her and she was stiff at first, but eventually gave in and agreed to forget about it as long as I stayed loyal to her, which made me uneasy knowing that she broke my trust. She came over to my house and we were sitting on the couch together watching a movie when she noticed how uncomfortable I was and said something.

"What's up, babe?" She asked, tightening her arm around my shoulders.

"Nothing," I replied, not wanting to rock the boat.

"Come on, I can tell something is on your mind."

I took a deep breath, it wouldn't get any better if I didn't say anything. "Where were you after our fight at the party the other night?"

She shrugged. "I had a few drinks out on the patio and I socialized."

"With other girls?" I asked her.

She scoffed, taking her arm back. "Really, Alina? You're asking me that? Because last I checked, you were the one talking to another girl for half an hour."

"Sasha, we've been over this, and I didn't know if you thought that since we fought, it was okay to pursue other girls."

"What are you accusing me of?" She scoffed.

I took a deep breath, making sure to hold eye contact with her to see her reaction. "Someone told me they saw you kissing another girl." I said quietly.

"Who?!" She exclaimed, raising her voice. "Who told you that?!"

"Who told me isn't important," I replied, getting nervous. Maybe it was true. "They saw you and they saw another girl locking lips and I want to know if there is any truth to it."

She sputtered a few starts to sentences and looked around frantically for a lie to pull out of the air. "You were talking to that girl! You didn't care about me! You made me find someone who did!"

My stomach shrank like acid had been poured on it. I couldn't believe her. For some strange reason, this is exactly what I expected and I wasn't sad, I wasn't angry, I was disgusted, I felt bad for her poor conscience. "I didn't make you do anything, Sasha, and I'm sorry I made you feel like you had to find another person who cared, but you betrayed me-"

"What the fuck, Alina?! Why the fuck are you like this?! Why aren't you getting as upset as I am right now?! Why are you so fucking calm?! I fucking cheated on you and I can't even get a reaction out of you! You're like a fucking daisy, why can't you just get mad at me and stop being a pussy?!" She screamed, standing up from the couch.

I was really taken aback when she said this. I was being too calm? Suddenly it all made sense. She wanted me to be the bad guy. She wanted me to get upset and irrational and blow up on her so she could make me seem like I'm the angry irrational one and gain power over me. All along she has been making me feel guilty so she has all the power. She has been manipulating me to be weak and I am done giving my power to people. I am done giving people who don't care about me the power to dominate me.

"Sasha," I said softly. "We're done."

"No!" She screamed, pounding her fists against the couch with fire in her eyes. "No, we're not done, Alina! You don't get to make that call! You're gay, Alina! And you act straight and no woman or man will ever love you the way you are except me!"

"That's where you're wrong," I said, standing up. "You don't love me, and I know who does."

"Fuck you!" She screamed, throwing a pillow across the room, hot tears falling down her face. "Fuck you, Alina! I don't even want to look at you anymore, we're over I can't fucking stand you!" She yelled before storming out.

I locked the door behind her and walked slowly back to the couch, sitting down and taking a deep breath.

I felt strong, but also confused. I had a million thoughts running through my head, yet my mind was empty. I felt relieved, yet bothered by something deep in the back of my mind.

It took me a few minutes to figure out what it was, and once I did, it seemed so obvious.

I pulled out my phone and opened my texts and just stared at them, then put my phone away again. No, I was just caught up in the moment.

I went three days in this weird state of limbo, knowing the right answer, but telling myself I was being irrational. Three days of awkward torture. Three days of denial.

Until finally, I did it.

I took out my phone, and I texted Grant.

Xoxo, Alina