Chenford - more depth

Chapter 11

Lucy's pov
Id gotten to the bridge, I stood there looking over before looking around to make sure no one was around. I step over, sitting on the metal fence. I felt the warm breeze through my hair across my face. I look down at my step. I grabbed my MP3 player throwing back away from the bridge, everything just seems so peaceful, like I'm a million miles away from everyone. My eyes fill, with the salty tear drops rolling down my face, I try to stare ahead. you should have died that day, you have no reason to have trauma you survived get a grip, stop being a burden to everyone". Creeps in again. I see the big green trees around me blowing in the wind, the butterflies in all different colours flying around. I see a Robin sat in the tree closest to me. There's not many cars going past on the road below because of how quiet it is so I could hear everything' and it sounded so peaceful. I close my eyes.

Flashback
I get these moments that people call life flashing before your eyes
My mum and pappy celebrating my birthday, I must have been what 12. I was sat there with my little pink birthday badge on. I remember telling them, with so much courage that I wanted to be a police officer. Their laughter roared in my face, I can still hear it as clear as day now. "Don't be such a disappointment Lucy" my pappy said.
My first day as a rookie, walking into that roll-call room. Sitting down next to Nolan, Grey telling me I was the hot shot rookie because I made an arrest on my way to work on my first day. I felt a sense of pride which id never felt before.
The Tim Tests was always a blast, sometimes i truly believe they shaped me. I remember the flour bomb one but the best part of that was getting that revenge back on him.
My first undercover case, I remember the feeling of satisfaction when I came back and had arrested 2 team members and the leader. The applause I got from everyone when I walked into the roll call room even though I'd asked Nolan to make sure they didn't.
Tim's face when I'd proved him wrong about being able to do undercover was always a picture.
I remember sitting there in that cold right breathless barrel, i couldn't move. And with every breath I could feel myself edging towards death, i remember that last breath. It felt like a relief. The next time I remember anything is Tim's arms being around me. I suddenly had all this air inside me but yet I couldn't breathe due to Tim's tight grip.
The first time I self harmed, how scared I felt, the regret the fear I was gonna bleed out but that got easier. I guess I was no longer scared.
I remember the first time Chris hit me, the way he forced me to do things and I know it's only going to get worse. I don't think I've got it in me to keep going. Death used to scare me now not so much...

Lucy's pov
I open my eyes, and stand but as I do I hear "LUCY!" And I look behind myself and see not only Tim but everyone.
"Get away! Please just leave me.." I beg as the tears fall down my face.

Tim's pov
"LUCY!" I scream. I hear her telling me to get away. I signal everyone to stay back. I edge towards her. I've never felt my heart beat so quick. "Lucy..look at me. Please" I beg. "I need you to look at me. I just want to make sure you're okay!" I say again edging closer to her.

Lucy's pov
"Tim I used to be an officer I know the tactics. I know you're here because you have to be. But I need you to understand that I've made my mind up. You can't change that. I should have died that day, i have no reason to have trauma i survived so I need to get a grip, I need to stop being a burden to everyone". I say not even realising I'd said that last part to him.

Tim's pov
"These aren't tactics. Lucy I'm here because i genuinely care about you.. the checks on a morning wasn't from Grey or anyone else. It was from me. You shouldn't have died that day, it's perfectly valid for you to have trauma I can't even imagine what you went through. I promise you now you aren't a burden. Please just grab my hand and come with me. We can talk. Just me and you" i say reaching my hand out.

Lucy's pov
"Tim I'm sorry.." it's all I can muster out. My throat goes dry, tears streaming down my face. I stand up and look down. My hearts beating out of my chest, my breathing is irregular. 'you should have died that day, you have no reason to have trauma you survived get a grip, stop being a burden to everyone' 'you've come this far' I step forward..

Tim's pov
"Lucy no.." i run towards her reaching my arm out as far as I can..