Chenford - more depth

Chapter 36

Lucy's pov
It's been just two months since Tim asked me to be his girlfriend and it's been a whirl wind. We're still taking things slow but I know today will be hard. It's been three months since I lost my baby and I'm currently sat here in bed at 2am staring at the scan photo. Tears are rolling down my face but I try to keep quiet as I don't want to wake Tim up. He's done enough for me never mind now  having to deal with me being upset over this. I've not told anyone about the miscarriage apart from obviously Tim, and Angela and Grey is aware. I feel like im treating this baby as some sort of hidden secret like the baby was a bad thing. Of course the baby wasn't, the situation in regards to me getting pregnant was. I just couldn't bear anyone to think of me as a victim and I know after that conversation I had with Tim that he partly did see me as a victim. I guess he's right I am but i don't want to be seen as weak. I just stare endlessly at this scan photo with all these different thoughts running through my mind, I start playing with the chain around my neck. I get out of bed and head into the kitchen, I have a glass of water as I sit at the kitchen table. I pull out my phone, i place the scan photo down and take my chain off and I take a photo of them together, i then put my chain back on. I go onto instagram and I post the photo with the caption.
-3 months ago to this date my light, my star, was too bright for this world. You wasn't planned but my gosh I wish you was permanent. I will love you forever baby-
I put my phone down and just cry for a few minutes. I wipe my tears and then head back into bed but I see Tim sat up looking at me.
"Lucy..come here" he says as he pats the bed next to him. I climb into bed and immediately cuddle into him.
"Baby.. I know what today is, you should have woke me up rather than going through this on your own. I'm your partner and I'm suppose to help you through these things" he says as he puts his arm around me kissing me on the forehead.
"I know..I just didn't want to be a burden.. you've already done so much for me.." I say in between tears.
"Look at me" he says as he uses his finger under my chin to turn my head to look at him. "Listen to me, you could tell me the same thing that's bothering you till you're blue in the face and you wouldn't be a burden. And this is a hard day baby, you'd be close to going onto maternity, well suppose to be because I can imagine you'll fight us on that. We will get through this together I promise you" he says as he kisses me.
"You remember how far along I'd be and what today is?" I ask him shocked that he took note to remember and work all this out.
"Of course baby, if it's important to you then it's important to me and the baby's part of you and I love that baby too" he says as we lay back down in bed. This time I lay cuddled into him rather than laying away.
"I love you" i say as I close my eyes. "I love you too" he says stroking my hair.

I wake up a few hours later to my phone ringing. I quickly grab my phone and head into the living room.
"Hey"
"Lucy it's Nyla" Nyla says
"Oh hey everything okay?" I reply back confused as to why she's rang me.
"Lucy are you okay?" She says worriedly.
"What are you on about? Yeah I'm fine" I say confused. What does she mean am I okay. Did I miss dial her or something.
"Your post.. Lucy I'm so sorry I had no idea if I'd known I wouldn't have asked you to watch Lila that day. I can't imagine how hard that was to loose your baby" she says and I hear her voice breaking.
"Nyla don't be daft, I loved watching Lila. It helped me in a way with grieving. I can't explain as to how but it did so thank you. And I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want to be seen as weak or as a victim even though how I got pregnant was..shit sorry I'm rambling." I say as I panic as I know if I kept going with that sentence I'd end up saying more about the situation than I'd like to, and I can't tell Nyla. We're close but nothing like I am with Angela.
"Shit Lucy.. you don't need to apologise. If you need to get it off your chest you know you've got any army behind you and you are far from being weak. I knew you was strong but girl the way you handled yourself after going through I don't know how you did it. You should be proud of yourself" she says.
"Thank you Nyla i appreciate, look I'm gonna head off because Tim is waking up. But thank you" I say as I put the phone down. Tim isn't waking up, it's my mum calling... I answer
"Hi?"
"Lucy it's your mum and pappy." My mum says.
"Yeah I gathered, how are you both?" I say hoping this conversation will actually go well for once.
"We're good, is our daughter still a disappointment" she asks.
I knew exactly what they meant. They meant because I was a cop. They didn't want me to be. I remember telling them on my 12th birthday and they laughed in my face.
"Yeah mum I'm still an officer." I say dreading the response.
"Oh no Lucy you've disappointed us way further now. You lost your baby with that guy you was seeing, the one you was engaged to and now you're suddenly with that Tim guy. Wasn't he your boss or something?" She says in a smug tone.
I feel my heart racing, im half angry but I half want to break down and cry. How can she sit there and say that to her daughter.
"Mum..you know what happened. You was told why I was in coma. Why I nearly died 5 times. Yes I lost my baby! My baby! I tried so hard, and yes I'm with Tim. Yes he was my training officer but he wasn't when we got together. Mum he makes me the happiest I've ever been and he's been there through all of this. Where are you?!" I snap back at her. I've never done that before but I just feel this intense emotion because she has chosen to say all this today.
"Lucy you do not speak to your mother in that tone. I knew being an officer would turn you vile. Till you come back to the real world don't expect to hear from me again" she says angrily and then ends the call.
I stand there with my phone in my head, staring into literal space or so I thought. Tim was looking directly at me, stood in the doorway of the bedroom and living room. He had heard everything, I could see this anger in his eyes. I feel my legs begin to give way underneath me from all the stress but before I hit the floor Tim has picked me up in his arms carrying me to the sofa. He sits me in between his legs crossing them over me so I can't move. He wraps his arms around me.

Tim's pov
I hear everything that Lucy is saying as I'm stood in the doorway. I woke up as I heard Lucy talking, but the minute I heard it was her mum I knew it wasn't good. I saw her stood talking on the phone with this panic look in her face, her eyes glazed over, she started fidgeting with her chain then I saw her end the call. I could see her body was just about to drop. I run over picking her up, i cradle her as I carry her over to the sofa. I place her in between my legs crossing them over her, wrapping my arms around her to ground her.
"Lucy you're okay, I'm here" i say repeatedly. She doesn't say a word. "Let it out babe, it's okay you can break down" i say to her and she just bursts into tears scrunching my shirt. I didn't care that it was getting wet. "Baby, I heard it all, I know you tried hard to keep the baby but it wasn't your fault. And I'm sorry but your mum has no right to speak to you like, and I feel sorry for her because she will never know the incredible woman you've become" I say as I kiss her on the forehead. I sit with her for around an hour, and then she pulls away and says she's off to get in the shower. I pull her arm to pull her back.
"Luce" I say and she turns and looks at me.
"Mhm" she says.
"Are you going to relapse?" I ask her. I'm afraid to know but I can see that look in her eyes. The look she had at the hospital when she relapsed but she doesn't know I know. I never noticed the look before but when she got up then I could see it and instantly reminded me of when she came out of the bathroom at the hospital and I had to hold her wrist.
"What?" She says avoiding eye contact. "I haven't relapsed since.."
"The hospital Lucy" i interrupt her. I see the panic set in instantly. Fuck.
"Lucy.. I'm not mad. I just want to be there for you.." I say trying to think of the best way to word it all.
"You knew?" She asked confused.
"Yeah when we was laid cuddling I saw the blood seeping through your top hence why I held your wrist. I knew it was uncomfortable but I needed to stop the blood flow" I say looking at her.
"Why didn't you say something? If you knew" she asks as she walks back to the sofa.
"Because Lucy it wasn't my place. I wasn't going to push you. I wanted you to feel like you could talk to me about it." I say.
"I'm sorry.." she says as tears form again. I pull her in.
"You don't need to apologise Lucy. I just need you to talk to me" i say as I kiss her on the forehead. "Now are you wanting to relapse?" I ask her again.
"Mhm.. I was doing well.. I..I" she stutters.
"Lucy its not going to be a smooth ride, there's going to be bumps, it's okay to feel this way but when you do come talk to me. Look why don't we cuddle here and watch Top chef and you can play with this bobble on your wrist. I don't know if it will help but we can try right?" I ask her as I move slightly so she can lay with me.
"Yeah I guess" she says and she comes and lays with me. I turn on Top chef and hand her the bobble.

A few hours go by and Lucy gets up and heads into the shower.
I sit there watching the show and she comes out all dressed up.
"Lucy?" I look at her confused but also in awe of how pretty she looks.
"I was thinking.. why don't we go out tonight? Have you a few drinks? I've got you an outfit ready" she says smiling at me.
"Baby as much as you look incredible, I don't think this is a good idea. You're not in the best head space and drinking isn't going to help" I say back to her.
"Ugh come on it's only a few and it'll be fun" she says as opens the bedroom door.
"I can't watch you go out and get drunk to numb these feelings. I watched my dad do it when my mum died. I refuse to watch you do the same" I say as I feel my voice break.
"Tim.. it's one night.. a couple of drinks.. I promise you I'm not your dad" she says. I don't respond because truthfully I don't know what to say.
"Tim, I've booked an Uber. It's a night out, I can't remember the last time I went out oh wait I can but I don't want to think about that. Are you coming?" She asks as she heads towards the front door.
"Fine but just because I can't sit here knowing you're out" i say as I get up and go into the bedroom.
"Hurry up bradford" she shouts.
I hate this. I know this ain't going to end well.