Chenford - more depth

Chapter 20

Tim's pov
I walk back in to the pair of them giggling which is lovely to see Lucy smiling but I don't trust this giggle.
"Tim.. your hand.." I hear Lucy say in a concerned tone.
"Oh it's fine don't worry about it" I say smiling at her, while climbing back into the bed with her.
"Please don't do it again.. I don't want to see you hurt" she says.
" I won't i promise" I say to her reaching out for her hand. She rolls over and eventually falls asleep in my arms.
"How's she doing ange" I ask her.
"I mean she's doing as okay as she can be, I think she feels a bit like she failed but we knew she'd feel like that as she's been feeling like for a while. Oh and erm I may or may not have found something out" she says smiling at me.
"Do I dare ask" i laugh thinking with Angela and Lucy it could literally be anything especially with how they was laughing when I came in.
"So she definitely she likes to too Tim" she says smiling. "So we can finally have Chenford" she says giggling.
"She does? And what do you mean? What is Chenford" i look at her puzzled.
"Oh wow Tim Bradford and Chen together... Chenford and yes she does." Angela smiles.
"Ohhh I get it now, wait you've not just thought of that how long have you had that name for" i say laughing.
"Oh just a while" she says giggling.
Wait Lucy, she likes me back. I didn't think she did or that she would ever want to be with me. I was hard on her as TO, I mean she took it like champ and she definitely gave me it back. She's out of my league, her looks, her personality but my god am I happy to hear that she likes me back. I always knew there was something special about her because she's the only person I've ever thought about the future seriously with. Like Isabelle she didn't want children but I also couldn't picture that for us. But with Lucy I could even though we've never been together let alone thought about a future together. We haven't even told each other that we like each other.

Around 5 weeks go by and Lucy is now 7 week pregnant. 

Lucy's pov
I wake up again grabbing the sick bucket next to me throwing up, I feel Tim jump up holding my hair back rubbing my back. We still haven't told each other that we both know about us liking each other. Of course Angela thinks this is the cutest thing. I on the other hand can only focus on how this sickness is not the cutest thing.
I feel my stomach turning as i throw up again. I eventually stop and Tim hands me my glass of water. I take sip before laying back down again. I'm going insane staying in this hospital but they won't let me go till I hit 12 weeks pregnant because of the chance I could miscarry. Part of me wishes that if I am to miscarry that I would have by now, the longer this pregnancy goes it's like it's filling me with hope and I can feel myself becoming more and more attached to this baby. I know I've gained weight because of the baby and I'm trying to not let it play on my mind, I still feel disgusted in myself the way I look but Tim constantly reminds me that I look beautiful. I've had blips with my self harm while been here.

Flashback to a week after coming out of the induced coma. Lucy's pov
'you should have died that day, you have no reason to have trauma you survived get a grip, stop being a burden to everyone" it repeats and repeats in my mind. Luckily Tim has gone to get some food and Angela has gone up to Wesley and her little boy. ' you failed suicide, and you're failing at pregnancy' this thought was new but it for some reason hurt more. The urge, I know I shouldn't but the urge to cut again is getting unbearable.I get up out of the bed and walk into the bathroom, luckily I've got my own personal bathroom, I shut the door. I can feel my heart racing, my breathing becoming irregular, i look around. Right come on.. I'm in a hospital but there must be something around here I can use, then I remembered that in my wash bag I was finally trusted with her a razor... no come on Lucy.. i shouldn't. 'You failed suicide now you're failing at pregnancy' the thought creeps in. Just that once more. And it tips me over the edge, I go running through that feeling wash bag. I pull the razor out, I roll my sleeve, placing the blade over my skin. I go over and over it. I see the cut go white before the blood starts trickle down my arm. Tears fill up in my eyes, and they start rolling down my cheek. I stand up, and walk to the sink. I then hear Tim coming back into the room. "Lucy" I hear him shout.
"Just in here I'll be out in a second" i shout back. Fuck now what.
I run the tap, cleaning the blade and placing it back into the wash bag, I grab some tissue and hold it against my arm. It doesn't stop..erm.. think Lucy come on...
"Lucy are you okay in there" he shouts once more.
"Yeah no I'm good don't worry" i shout.
I wrap loads of tissue around my arm, holding it tight. I roll my sleeve down, grabbing a hair bobble I put it at the cuff of my sleeve so that it won't roll up. I turn the tap off, dry my tears and open the door.
"Hey" I say smiling at him.

Lucy's pov
I never told him and as far as I'm aware he doesn't know. I've not had a blip as bad as that since. Although he doesn't really leave me as much and to be honest I quite like it. He makes me feel safe, he makes me genuinely laugh.  It's been a long day today, we sat and watched top chef and he even let me help Angela on a case when she came over. Even though I'm not an officer anymore. I do miss it.
"I'm gonna have a bath Tim" i say as I go to sit up.
"Excuse me missy I will go run you that bath, you keep that butt sat there" he says smiling and going into the bathroom, he runs the bath for me and comes out. "All set do you need anything else? Any help" he asks.
"No I'm all good thank you" i say getting up and going into the bathroom. I hear him putting the game on the TV.  I get undressed and I'm stood here in my light blue Lacey set. I look in the mirror and I see a little bump. Or what I thought was a bump, I was still extremely skinny but in my head I wasn't. I was needing to loose weight, I put my arms around my stomach looking in the mirror. Just staring.. I'm actually doing this.. I have a baby inside me. Somehow it just feels real. I grab my phone and take a little photo stood in the mirror. I then put my phone down and get fully undressed. I refuse to look at the tattoo and the scars because I know it'll trigger things. I step into the bath before laying down, I didn't realise how tired I actually was.. and at some point I woke up to knocking on the door.
"Lucy? Are you okay? You've been in there ages" I hear Tim shouting in a panic.
I sit up rubbing my eyes, "shit sorry I must have dozed off" I say back to him.
"Are you sure you're okay? Do you need me to get Angela to help you" he says. I can hear the worry in his voice.
"No you're fine don't worry I'm just going to wash my hair and I'll be out" i shout back. Id not fully woken up yet or looked around. I glance down.. the water..it was a pink ish colour..