Chenford - more depth

Chapter 79

Lucy's pov
I get to the top of this hill, there's the river just down below. The winds cool, drafty but not strong. The skies almost clear, a few small clouds. The stars twinkling. The moon, it's an eclipse shape, just like the sticker on my duty belt. There's one star just slightly closer to the moon than the rest.
They are all so bright but that one star next to the moon just seems to shine that bit brighter, I see the reflection of them in the river as I look down. The grass gently blowing around me, grazing across my ankle. It stings on my right ankle of course but i manage to ignore it.
I've got my earphone in one ear so I can listen to the radio still. I just stare endlessly for a while, before grabbing the plastic wallet from my bag that I apparently didn't fasten all the way.
I look through each and every single photo. Each one gives a flashback, just a short flash back.

The first photo I pull out, and I'm back on the day of my last day as a rookie, I'm stood in front of Tim's car. At this point rookies didn't park next to their TOs. He tells me "don't let anyone you can't do anything Chen not even me" i then head him this box, telling him it's a thank you. He asks if he should open it now and i tell him to. He takes his hands over the lid of the box opening it and poof off goes the flour bomb. All over his face, he immediately smirks and rolls his eyes.

The second photo
It's the last photo I took of me and Kojo before I handed him to Tim. He's giving me a big slobbery kiss on my nose. I've got this huge smile on my face as we are sat on the sofa. It was hard giving him to Tim but I knew he was going to the better person.

The third photo
There's everyone from the station all dressed up for Angela and Wesleys wedding, we're all posing with these big smiles on our faces. I know notice Tim has his hand gently placed on my shoulder. Id never noticed it before. That day was so stressful well the first attempt was, but the relief we all felt when they was finally married. The sun glowing down, just perfectly.

The fourth photo
My name, my date of birth, the date, the hospital, the estimated due date. My ultrasound photo. The last one I got. My biggest what if. The day that i actually felt hopeful that I could get through that pregnancy, that I'd have that healthy baby. I was scared but that baby gave me hope, gave me strength to keep fighting.

The fifth photo
The white walls from the hospital room, the mirror, myself stood there with my hands delicately placed around my stomach. I'd seen the scan photos but to see that bump forming, I remember thinking I'm actually doing this. I have a baby inside me. Not knowing that in a couple of hours that part of me would be gone. The day a piece of me broke off and died. I remember the physical but also the emotional pain of that day. Laying on Tim while i was giving birth to my baby knowing I wouldn't hear a heart beat.

The sixth photo
This was a photo I didn't even know existed till i was court. My baby. My baby that was so small that they was smaller than the palm of my hand. Laid so delicately on this beige blanket. So innocent, so peaceful in a way.

The seventh photo
The engagement party, the little photo me and Tim took in the bedroom as we panicked at how long we was taking as we wasn't ready to be interrogated any further by Angela. The way we just looked at each other. I saw the sparkle in both of our eyes. A sparkle I didn't even know I had anymore.

The eighth photo
The day of Bailey and Nolan's engagement party, I'm stood with my dark blue skin tight dress on, a slit high on the left thigh, my arms wrapped around Tims neck. Looking up at him and he looks down at me. With hands on my arse of course. He looked so good in that suit, the way it showed off his muscles, the colour brought his eyes out. I felt so safe. So loved. It just felt right.

The ninth photo well technically tenth as the other one was now with Tim.
The day I think, no I know, was the happiest. The sun setting in the background, the sky this beautiful orange/pink colour. The sea glistening. My legs wrapped around Tims waist, my arms wrapped around his neck. His arms wrapped my back. The biggest smile on both of our faces, touching noses and just staring at each other. I wish I could freeze the time and just go back to being in that moment. In that photo. Id stay there forever.

I put them back into my bag. I contemplate everything. Every decision I'd made, every thing that has happened. Trying anything and everything to distract myself from this pain. Not just physical but emotional and mental pain.
But something greater than that, distracts me..