Spencer Reid - One Shots

Betrayed

⚠️Content Warning⚠️: Language, Multiple (failed) Suicide Attempts, Angst, happy ending though!
Not entirely perfectly edited, "it's just something sweet for the fucking kids, okay?" But seriously, I really feed you guys💅 Jk, jk! Love y'all! Also this one-shot was inspired by the song "Lay Me Down" by Sam Smith.
1597 words

—/—

Spencer had been dead for two months. And in that timeframe, there were no words to describe the state of your mind that entire time. The closest was clinically depressed. Every single night you cried. Every. Goddamn. Night. You took a leave of absence from the BAU. Everyone understood, they understood so much that you were free to take as long as you needed. God knew how long that'd be.

Every minute of every day and every second of every night you cried and mourned. You had picked up an old terrible habit of cutting. The only reason and person that kept you going was now gone. Now dead. Four days after his funeral, you had tried to commit suicide. You tried to overdose on sleeping pills but was stopped when a very concerned Derek Morgan came to check on you. After a minute of no response, he kicked down the door and found your body on the bedroom room floor. If he hadn't got you in time you would've been dead. And you wanted that.

So you tried again.

The second time you wished you had your gun like before. Why didn't you use that? You now had to compromise since Derek took away your pills or anything else that could hurt you. But you had stashed away a razor blade which you used one night in the bathtub. But of course, Hotch found you that time. He put you in a program to which you barley fought because you were just numb now. The third and final time was when you tried to slit your wrists with a plastic fork that you stole and sharpened from their cafeteria. And all this time you had been starving yourself and not sleeping at all.

One day in the program, it was break time and you were staring out the window. Reading hurt too much because it reminded you of him. Everything did. One of the nice nurses/program leaders came to you to tell you that your team needed you. It must have been really important since you still had another month before you get out. You changed into sweatpants and a sweater after a shower and met Emily in the lobby. She hugged you and drove you over but didn't tell you why. When you arrived every one was waiting for you in the conference room.

"Okay, what the hell is going on?!" You ask as soon as you step inside

"Two and a half months ago the board and I came up with a very difficult situation. As you know, Reid died on the operating table. And yes, he did flatline...but he survived. For his own safety, we moved him to a small country side in Spain. (Y/L/N), you're the only one who didn't know. We're sorry. But we found James Black..." Hotch explained to you and the rest had their eyes downcast. You were flabbergasted and silently crying. Before you could do anything, something you thought to be impossible became possible.

Spencer Reid, alive and well, came through the door. You stood there as tears flowed down your face and your jaw was wide open. Spencer had grown a small scruff along his face and his hair was longer. His eyes were glossy and he just stared back at you. You felt your feet slowly walking forward and his face grew brighter with a little hope. You put the tips of your fingers on his cheek and he leaned into your light touch. Before he could touch you or say anything, you drew your hand back and slapped his cheek. You heard someone gasp behind you and Spencer just stood there. You began to cry more and hit his chest.

"You bastard..." You whispered and hit his chest again

"What the fuck...how could you?...why?...YOU JERK! YOU ASSHOLE! MOTHER FUCKER! I HATE YOU! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!" You scream end each hit after every sentence got harder. Spencer and the rest just stood there, letting it play out. He stumbled back at some of your hits but somehow got you into his arms. You thrashed around in his embrace and you cried uncontrollably in the worst way.

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT IVE BEEN THROUGH?! WHAT IVE DONE?! HOW COULD YOU?! HOW COULD YOU?! YOU PIECE OF SHIT! HOW COULD YOU...HOW COuld you?! How could you?! How could..." You screamed and cried while he hugged you and let you say such things. He knew you had every right. You still hit you fists against his chest but felt your legs give out as he slowly lowered the two of you to the ground.

"I tried to kill myself...three times...I'm in the fucking physic ward! You all knew..?! I can't...I can't...I..." You cried in his arms like crazy. Everyone just watched from a distance while Spencer rocked you back and forth. He knew what you had done through Emily in online Scrabble. He had his own tears from your pain. He wished more than anything something could've been done. You were still crying but your sobs eventually quieted down a little bit, just enough for him to say;

"I'm sorry.", which only made you cry more. You sobbed and screamed which broke everyone's hearts. Hotch escorted everyone out to let you two have your moment. Your hands were in between your chests and Spencer was on his knees and your legs were limp on the floor.

"I'm sorry." He whispered again into your hair. You felt his lips kiss your head which only made you sob. He repeated the phrase over and over again so gently that you shuddered and wrap your arms around his neck. His hands wrapped around your back and held your hair/head. After at least ten minutes of you sobbing you were able to speak almost inaudibly.

"how could you...i missed you so much...i couldn't live without you..." You whimpered

"I'm sorry. I'm here now."

"that's not going to make it up...do you even know? do you even know what i went through? or what I tried to do?"

"I-I do. And I'm beyond sorry (Y/N)." When he said your name you shuddered and sobbed

"I will do anything and everything to make it up to you. When I was away, I counted the days until I could see you again. And every day I thought of you and the ways I could make it up to you. And I swear (Y/N), I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I love you. Always have, always will. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you..." and he went on

—Two Months Later—

You had finally finished your program and you were still granted another month off. At first, you didn't talk to him at all. You had allowed Spencer to move back in, so he was waiting at the door of the hospital to bring you home. You got your switchblade necklace back that Spencer gave you and your belongings. Now in jeans and a t-shirt, you finished the paperwork and exited the building. Right outside was an excited, proud, and smiling Spencer. You smiled for the first time in many months and ran into his open arms. He lifted you up and twirled you two around. He put you down while still hugging you.

"I'm so proud of you." He said against you skin. You had been distant from everyone at the BAU because you felt betrayed by them for not telling you. The program allowed visitors on certain days but you refused every time. The only one allowed to visit was Spencer. You hadn't been able to say "I love you" back to him but it was understandable.

"Thank you. Let's go home." Driving home, Spencer's hand stayed intertwined with yours the whole time. As soon as you stepped out of the car, he grabbed it again. He opened the door for you and noticed how clean everything was. You were really happy about that because you didn't want to relieve certain memories. Spencer rearrange some rooms to help with that. He had helped you unpack and you let him help you in the shower. Spencer felt major relief because you now felt comfortable to be intimate with him. In the shower, he bathed and washed your hair and body. His focus was entirely on you. During the last few minutes, you just stood there in one another's wet embrace.

While he was away, he learned how to cook for his night back with you. He made your favorite, (*Your Favorite Dish*). You were thoroughly impressed with his newfound skills and you talked while he cooked and you sat at the island with a glass of wine. After a surprisingly delicious dinner, you snuggled together on the couch and watched (*Your Favorite Movie*). He was so relieved to hear you laugh at certain jokes and that you stayed in his arms the entire time. When the movie was over, you just laid there in comfortable silence.

"... I love you..." You stated. You both let the words resonate.

"I love you too." He said and he stroked your cheek. You leaned up and pecked his lips. Looking at him, you kissed again and then again. And with his help, you were able to feel like yourself again. He truly is the love of your life and he'll never leave you again.

• • •

National Suicide Prevention Hotline
800-273-8255