And To Love In Return... (BOOK 2)

For The Sake of Family

I've officially spent a week here. I got the flu once the fourth day came. Apparently that's part of the withdrawal process. But it's seemed like the psychological symptoms have overpowered the physical ones. I don't even want to leave my bed, but of course San wakes me up every morning at 9am so we're in the gym by 10. Yeosang meets us there now too. They weren't kidding when they said not to underestimate him. He was showing me how to spar and next thing you know, I got a black eye. Of course he started freaking out, but I told him that's exactly what I want. So if anything, it's made me look forward to my time with him and San.

The vomiting has been less frequent too. I guess that just means I'm able to keep more food down. I've put on about 3lbs too; although I don't look or feel any different, I know it's a start. I want to stop disappointing everyone so I'm determined.

"Hey." Wooyoung sat on my bed and pushed my hair out of my face. "Jinnie, why are you crying?"

The emotions have been out of control though. Like I said, the psychological effects are intense.

"I just got a lot on my mind." I whispered, unwilling to look at him.

"Talk to me, what's going on?"

"I never should've gone to New York." I choked, hiding my face with my arm. "Everyone was right about me. I was going to go there and get eaten alive, now look at me. I'm just a fucking loser." I've felt mainly humiliated and angry lately. I ruined my life and I don't have any faith in myself.

"You're not a loser, Jinnie, you're just a little lost right now." I know he's trying to cheer me up, but I don't like being lied to.

"I'm not lost, I'm just fucked up. I got myself into this mess, I just thought I was strong enough to take control of it, which was stupid. I've always been a weak person." That's what I was told my whole life by my dad. I'll always be weak and pathetic.

"Don't say that, you're the furthest thing from weak."

He got in the bed and held me as I cried. I've let him down so many times yet he's stayed. He's never given up on me. That's why I tried to push him away in the first place. I don't think I deserve that kindness after all I've done.

"I can't do this anymore." I could hardly speak properly. My voice was shaky and unstable. "I miss you, I miss mom, I miss Felix."

That's the other thing that's been killing me. How could he possibly love me again? I'm not the same person I was all those years ago when we were together. I'm not this average artsy, depressed, rich kid anymore. That was at least tolerable and he was able to look past it. But this is too much. I've tried to accept that I'm not the right person for him if I'm going to stay like this. So these past few days, I've been trying to be happy for him and Lily. That's all I can really do.

"You've lasted a while there, I know you're barely getting by, but just hold out for a little longer. Stay with Seonghwa and Hongjoong, fix things with Jungkook. I know how badly you want this degree. You can do this, Jinnie, I promise."

He held me closer once he felt my body starting to tremble.

"Where's Felix?" I whispered.

"He's out right now."

Which meant he was with Lily.

"I don't know what I'm gonna do, Wooyoungie. At first I didn't want him here because I was still angry. But now it's just starting to hurt all over again."

"If you want him to leave, he'll leave. He just wants you to be okay."

I turned around and dug my face into his chest, then he pulled the covers up to my shoulders and gave me a light squeeze.