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Review by Sunshine: Reflection

Review by Sunshine: ray_of_sunshine9

Title: Reflection

Author: wolfxrain

Summary: 4/5

First of all, you've got a pretty good summary! I'm glad that you introduced the concept of the Sairen Wolves and the Avros, and your introduction of the protagonist was slick and wonderfully done. You address the implications that will drive the plot forwards, and you have a powerful last line.

The only reason I didn't give it full marks is that it felt slightly clunky around some parts. Especially the sentence, "Though it is a war Lorraine and her pack faces, it is the least of their concern to save the human kind." I feel like that sentence isn't really relevant – it doesn't have any link between the sentence before and after it. It feels out of place. Try finding a more dramatic way to introduce the war, and try finding a way to link it to the rhetorical question before it. Maybe even consider removing that question itself? Maybe something like:

"Something subsides deep in her heart, something she was born with.

But that is the least of her concerns.

With secrets unfolding before her and a war rising from the shadows, Lorraine realises that this is only the beginning.

The beginning of a revolutionary power that only God's divine intervention can control."

Of course, this isn't the greatest example and its fluency could certainly be improved, but I just wanted to reinforce how spacing could be used to intensify the tension. But, otherwise, great job!

Grammar: 3/5

The grammar was okay! There weren't enough errors to completely interfere with the story, but there were quite a few issues that need fixing.

First of all, I am sucker for semicolons. I love it when people use semicolons, but only when they use it correctly. Unfortunately, there were some instances where your misused a semicolon. A semicolon is used to connect two clauses that can also work independently. In simpler terms, the sentences on either side of the semicolon should be a complete sentence on its own. And the two sentences must be interrelated. An example of a semicolon used incorrectly is:

"Just drop it," Jack requested as he walked past both Kiran and I; exiting the room.

"Exiting a room" cannot pass as a sentence on its own. Instead, it should be:

"Just drop it," Jack requested as he walked past both Kiran and I, exiting the room.

A comma works because the two clauses are interrelated, but the "exiting the room" relies on the first part of the sentence. So please be careful with your use of semicolon!

There are also some grammatical errors which need polishing. For example, you wrote "over bearing" when it should be "overbearing" (it is one word). And make sure you can differentiate your "there", "their" and "they're". You had a sentence describing the Avros where you wrote, "they're skin is like marble" – it should have been their, not they're. Otherwise you are saying "they are skin is like marble." Also make sure that your "i"'s are capitalised in words such as "I'm".

There were also some issues with tense. There were times where you flashed back into the past, especially in that first chapter when you described the tragedy of Lorraine's father and brother. Except, since the story is already in past tense, the entire backstory was confusing. Make sure you revise those bits and change it, and employ the word "had". For example, instead of: