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Review by Sunshine: Missing

Review by Sunshine: Missing

Author: SylviaMarie6129818

Summary: 3.5/5

Your summary has all the right things! It includes the protagonists, it reinforces that the story is a sequel, and it fluently takes the reader through the general story arc. Good work there! I do have a few little notes, though.

Firstly, certain aspects need to be fleshed out more – particularly about the caretaker. For those who have just picked up the book, like me, they will not understand the significance of the caretaker at all. We don't know what that entails, nor do we know why this is something we should worry about. I would take out the sentence about the caretaker and find a way to more effectively add it in.

Secondly, the punctuation needs work. There are run-on sentences, and there are also misuses of verbs when you switch from singular to plural. For example:

"Isaac and Bella races against the clock..."

That above sentence is inaccurate. Since there are two people listed, it is now plural, and it should be:

"Isaac and Bella race against the clock..." 

Grammar: 3.5/5

For the most part, your story was pretty clean when it came to grammatical errors. Well done there! There were a few slips I caught here and there, as briefly touched on in the summary, but don't worry – I'll detail them here.

I think you have the two words, 'thought' and 'though' mixed up. Though is basically another way of saying 'in spite of the fact that...', 'however' and even 'but' in some instances. For example, a sentence that I came up with that accurately uses it would be:

"The phone woke me up even though it wasn't that loud."

On the other hand, thought is the past tense of the word 'think'. For example:

"I thought I was going to the mall."

Now, let's take a look at your book. In many instances, you accidentally used the word though when you should have been using the word thought. For example, in one of your chapters, you wrote:

"I though she was dead."

That is inaccurate. I assume you meant 'thought', as in, the past tense of think. So it should be:

"I thought she was dead."

Another thing I took note of was run-on sentences. I recommend reading your story aloud. Whenever you find a sentence that is too long and needs a pause for it to make sense, I recommend putting some form of punctuation where that pause is.

Also, when you use ellipses, make sure that you only use three periods (...). Not two (..) or four (....).

Character Building: 2.5/5

You have chosen to write this story in first person, which allows the reader to easily access the thoughts of the character, as well as their intentions throughout the story. Don't be afraid to use that! I feel like you're writing in first person using the style of third person, because I'm not connecting to the characters as much as I hoped I would.

For example, you don't need to italicise the character's thoughts. You are already in first person – their thoughts should seamlessly be woven into the story. And, speaking of character thoughts, I think you need to show the reader more about what the character is thinking. You need to slow down the pace and take us through their emotions. When Issac finds out that Lizzie is 'dead', his emotional turmoil felt glossed over. I didn't truly feel that he was upset about it. You need to show it to us more.