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Review by Sunshine: A Little Death

Title: A Little Death

Author: poetheticc

Summary: [no score – not included in final score]

You've kept the summary quite short and sweet. Overall, I think it's a pretty captivating little summary – it introduces the protagonists, it brings up the conflict and a bit of context. I decided, though, not to judge it because it doesn't follow the standard structure of a traditional summary – it's more of what I call an aesthetic summary.

However, I think you've done a good job at trying to captivate readers. Well done! 

Grammar: 4/5

For the most part, I think most of your mistakes were only typos. There, however, were definitely some that I thought I might clarify in case you weren't sure what the rules underlying the correct grammar was.

First of all, tense. You were consistently in past tense, and so, when you describe the past in past tense, you use the past participle – which is perfect. However, just be a bit careful with your verbs; the past tense and past participle form of verbs are not necessarily the same. For example:

"I had wore a black t-shirt."

The above example is incorrect. The past participle form of 'wear/wore' is 'worn'. It should be:

"I had worn a black t-shirt."

I also think you were missing a few question marks here in there. For example:

"I didn't even like an iPhone, why did I buy it."

Even though it was bracketed within the story, it, ultimately, is still a question. Therefore, it's important to add a question mark at the end.

Again, as I stated before, I think it was mostly typos. For example:

"... the guy who just wanted only once chance from me..."

It should be 'one', not 'once'. And, finally:

"No, I wasn't trying to catch STD."

It should be 'an STD' to make the sentence complete. There were a few more typos, but nothing glaring, so well done! 

Character Building: 4/5

I, quite frankly, adore Ricardo. But this section isn't just about Ricardo, so let's start from the beginning:

Your voices. They are incredibly fascinating – especially when it came to Archer and Ricardo's narrative voices. It definitely branched away from the typical voice of a high-school story narrator, and I have often seen writers on Wattpad attempt to write the "bad-boy" voice, but they usually end up making it superficial and ridiculous. However, I think you've done a fantastic job at executing these voices – yes, I do still find their attitude and language towards women quite derogatory, but I also can see that this is something that will be changing as the story progresses (or, at least, I certainly hope so!)

I also like that Natalie makes sense as a character. Yes, she can be fierce, and she can fall for Ricardo's antics, but her response and reaction to events is always consistent. Well done on that! I also must commend you on your use of text messaging within your story – again, it was a sensible decision, it felt realistic, and it was depicted in a manner that was clear whilst still reinforcing characterisation. Great work.

Another thing I loved was the different perspectives. Why? Really, it was entertaining seeing all the different character paths merge, crossover, and split. And it was so interesting to see how everyone depicted everyone differently – Natalie saw Ricardo as a snake, but Archer thinks he's amazing. We can see loyalties come into play, and it makes the story so much more fun and intriguing.

Now, in the first chapter, when we get the text from Ricardo, you spent an entire paragraph breaking down who he is and what his relationship with Archer was. Usually, I'm not for this – however, you executed it extremely well, the voicing was perfect, and it made sense in the context. However, when you went on to describe his physical appearance, I think it was too far. We hadn't even met Ricardo in person yet – it wasn't relevant or necessary to dedicate a whole paragraph to his physical features. Save it for when it becomes purposeful to the story.

Another thing I found was that you sometimes fell into the trap of telling instead of showing. It happened rarely, but it did stick out a little. For example, simple expressions such as:

"I was cross with him."

You're in first person, so you can afford to give us more than that. You can give us physiological reactions – did she feel her blood boil? Did she just want to slam her fist into his face? Don't tell us she's cross. Show it to us.

Writing Style: 4/5

I have to say that I absolutely adore your opening lines. They were consistently impactful, intriguing, and always drew me into the story. The transitions into each of the newer chapters were also fluent and easy to follow. Well done!

I also loved the way you wove descriptions into the story – it was often subtle, purposeful, and consistent with the character who was narrating that certain aspect. I like the way you mixed your figurative language with some common pop culture references that your readers will know about – such as using examples like The Annoying Orange, or even just using similes that you'd hear in everyday language. It was a great and effective way of making your story relatable for your reader.

I also like the repetition of certain concepts, such as euphoria! I'm not sure if it was intentionally used as a symbol, but I thought it was a great concept to bring into the story. I do, however, wish you delved into the setting a big more. Rather than just describing that the bed was queen-sized, give us more important, characterisation details about the bedrooms and classrooms. The school is a rich one, right? Make us see it by describing it to us in a way that will make our jaws drop. Gold-rimmed railings, perhaps? I don't know – your story, your world.

Plot + Uniqueness: 4/5

I'm not going to lie: when I first started this story, I was extremely worried about the cliché aspects of it all. I was worried about the whole 'bad boy' thing, the high-school setting, and the inevitable romance.

However, there was nothing to be worried about – especially since you actually included family dynamics, wealth, and politics into your story. Again, not unusual aspects, but your story actually did these topics justice – I actually think your story branches away form the norm that we see on Wattpad, and I love that! Well done! You've done a fabulous job at taking a familiar trope and making it your own. I even laughed when Natalie's parents more or less dragged Archer out, because it was a pleasant reminder that, yes, parents can contribute to stories in a meaningful manner.

Your story only has six chapters, so it's a little hard to judge an overall plot. But, I can say that this is a fantastic start – congratulations! 

OVERALL SCORE: 16/20

Overall, a promising start with some great characterisation and interesting dynamics. Just make sure you keep the writing as purposeful as possible, and you'll be good to go!