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Review by Sunshine: Obsidia

Review by Sunshine: Obsidia

Author: ProxyInc

Summary: 4.5/5

Your summary is fantastic! I love the way you kickstart it with an almost philosophical paragraph, and then link it back to its relevance to the story. I love your dramatic use of one-sentence paragraphs, and you introduce your protagonist and the stakes seamlessly. Well done – if I read a summary like this at a bookstore, I would immediately pick it up. Just a few pointers, though:

"Along side" should actually be one word. It should be "alongside".

Secondly, your use of a semicolon isn't accurate. A comma would have sufficed (I can see why you didn't want to use a comma – that sentence already has quite a few). The clause after the semicolon is not a complete sentence, so therefore, the semicolon isn't exactly appropriate. I would suggest a hyphen, even? Personally, I would have made it:

"Stolen from the confines of her own home alongside her childhood friend, Henry, she now must bear the burden of trying to stop a war she doesn't belong in - a world she never knew existed."

Otherwise, fantastic work here! 

Grammar: 3/5

Okay, so, for the most part, your grammar isn't too bad! There were definitely some things I caught, though, that need some polishing. First of all, dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"We can't do this on our own," Ardian paused.

That above example is inaccurate. The 'Ardian paused' is not verbal. It should be:

"We can't do this on our own." Ardian paused.

You also have quite a few incomplete sentences here and there, and sometimes, that is fine – but they must be used effectively. I'll discuss this more in the 'Writing Style' aspect of this review.

Another thing was semicolons, as mentioned briefly in the summary. Sometimes they were used accurately, but other times, not so much. A semicolon separates two clauses that are strongly related but can also work independently. For example:

"Instead, she lay there in the darkness; listening to the storm torrent outside and the gentle snore of her boyfriend as he lay beside her."

That above example in inaccurate. The clause 'listening to the storm torrent outside and the gentle snore of her boyfriend as he lay beside her' is not a complete sentence. Therefore, it cannot work independently, which means that the semicolon is not appropriate. A comma would have been more appropriate.

There was also an instance or two where two characters had dialogue in the same paragraph – please remember that all characters must have their own paragraph for their dialogue. Also, another thing to watch out for is hyphenated compounds. For example:

"Lets go wake up James!"

The word 'Lets' is inaccurate. Lets is supposed to be a shortened version of "Let us", so it should be:

"Let's go wake up James!" 

Character Building: 4/5

Character building was pretty great! All characters felt distinct, and I was especially glad to see the way Paisley handled the new world and setting. A pet peeve of mine in fantasy is when the character is torn away from their old life, but they're all like, 'Yep, this is fine – time to start the quest!' It always makes characters seem unrealistic and shallow.

Luckily, you did not do this. Rather, you let Paisley stop and think about James and Lynette and the life she will no longer have. That was handled very well, and it also emphasised what a big deal the entire situation is. Great work!

I liked the contrast between James and Henry, I love the way you showed Lynette's age through her chirpy voice and her love for muffins, and the banter between Alice and Ardian was intriguing to read.

I do, however, feel like you could have given us a bit more context – especially towards the start. What exactly is Paisley's job? She said she looks after her co-worker's child – so she obviously has another job apart from looking after Paisley. Also, does that mean she's in her co-worker's house, or her own house? It felt very unclear. I would suggest looking over it and making sure the setting is clear. 

Writing Style: 3.5/5

As mentioned above, there were quite a few incomplete sentences. For example:

"Hiding away a smile as the little girl kept stopping her father for goodbye hugs and kisses before he had finally convinced her that he truly had to go."

That sentence is an incomplete sentence. However, incomplete sentences, in this day and age, are quite common in stories. I use them all the time, and even published authors such as Sarah J. Maas, use it very often.

However, they have to be used effectively – otherwise, it is just lazy writing. They have to be used for the purpose of a dramatic flair, or to help hammer the tension right into the reader. In this case, it did neither. I would have it as:

"She hid away a smile as the little girl kept stopping her father for goodbye hugs and kisses before he had finally convinced her that he truly had to go."

There were some instances where I felt there was a connection missing between chapters. For example, between Chapter 1 and 2, I didn't quite feel the link between them. It didn't seamlessly flow onto the next chapter. I had to keep flicking back and forth to make sure I didn't miss something.

Anyways, onto more positive notes, I loved the way you manipulated sentence structure! I loved the contrast between one-word sentences and longer paragraphs that were quite vivid in imagery – really great job there! Don't be afraid to exploit that more! I love the figurative language utilised, so great work. 

Plot + Uniqueness: 3/5

Some great things happening here! There were lots of unexpected plot twists – I was absolutely not expecting Paisley to get pregnant. The world of Obsidia is an interesting one, and it branches away from the regular fantasy.

On a more constructive note, settings need to be clearer – especially in that prologue. Are we in our world? Another world? Later on, we learn that they were in Obsidia, and that was hinted since they were talking about a "Majesty" of sorts, but you need to show more of this world to us and make it seem more distinct to ours. You can even use small sentences that describe the clothing or setting, and make the reader go, 'Oh. That's not like our world at all'.

Also, there is a LOT going on. World-building is a tough thing to do, and unfortunately, I think you bombarded your reading with a bit too much every now and then. Let's look at Chapter 10, where the history of the world is more or less info-dumped in the dialogue. Perhaps consider more ways to get this across? Also, don't be afraid to limit the number of characters in the chapters until the world-building is clearer. 

OVERALL SCORE: 18/25

Overall, a promising story! I was asked to only read 10 chapters, so that's what I did, and I will say that the story felt more engaging throughout the later chapters. Just make sure you work on your punctuation and clarity, and you'll be good to go! I hope this review helps.