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Review by Sunshine: Destiny

Title: Destiny

Author: A_for_Atharva

Summary: 3.5/5

Okay, so I simply love the structure of your summary. I think it's rather clever in that you introduced each character as they came, then showed how their lives converged. I also thought the first paragraph was really cool – I loved the rhetorical question, and the oddness of the alternate universe. It was such a gripping way to get the reader invested – well done! The rhetorical questions at the end were also highly effective, so great work!

However, your summary was let down because of the grammatical errors scattered throughout it. In fact, it almost became a little difficult to understand. Sometimes, it wasn't even grammar, but just awkward phrasing. Here are some of the major ones:

"You are travelling to an alternate universe or your own previous birth."

By 'previous birth', did you mean past life? I think you need to make that clear, or just end it at 'alternate universe'.

"...cuddling her dog Rio to heart..."

I think you meant 'to her heart'.

"She should have known it was bad idea to be around him..."

It should be 'it was a bad idea'.

"Kiara and Advait, two normal people, fall into trap of conspiracies put up by the universe. Peice by peice, they try to unleash the mystery that beheld their lives."

A few major issues here. First of all, it's spelt 'piece', not 'peice'. Secondly, it should be 'fall into a trap' or 'fall into the trap' – otherwise, it doesn't make sense. Hope that helps! 

Grammar: 2/5

Okay, so this will probably be the longest part of the review, because it's the part where I found the most errors. Also, since you're only up to chapter three, we can break down all the grammatical errors here so that you don't make the same mistakes as we progress through the story, yeah?

Your story is easily readable, so well done there, but I definitely think there are a lot of mechanics that need fixing. First of all, in general, I found a lot of basic errors throughout your story. This includes run-on sentences, inappropriate capitalisation, and missing punctuation marks and inverted commas during dialogue.

Let's break this down more, yeah? We'll start with dialogue, since it is the trickiest. If dialogue is followed by a verbal tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"A fatal flaw, you know." I replied.

That above example is incorrect. Since 'I replied' is a verbal tag, it should be:

"A fatal flaw, you know," I replied.

Also, another example:

"You don't have to, you know.",

He said, making my advancing hand stop midway.

There were three issues I had with that above example. First of all, you had the comma after the closing inverted commas, instead of after. Secondly, you don't need more than one punctuation mark before/after dialogue. Thirdly, the dialogue tag should be on the same line as the dialogue. It should be:

"You don't have to, you know," he said, making my advancing hand stop midway.

Also, when you use ellipses, which you use a lot, make sure your ellipses have three periods (...), not two (..) or four (....). Also, be careful when it comes to verbs/nouns that are similar. For example:

"My breathe hitched."

You accidentally used the verb 'breathe' instead of the noun. It should be:

"My breath hitched." 

Character Building: 3.5/5

It's very hard to know a lot about the characters right now, especially since we're only three chapters in and we haven't seen that much of character backstories, nor have we seen the way they have responded to major conflicts within the story (simply because it hasn't appeared yet).

That being said, I think Kiara is simply a joy to read. I laughed at the tomato-ketchup-brand moment, and her obsession for food and her defensiveness when people question her food decisions was just hilarious. It was such an effective way to connect the reader to her character because, let's face it, who doesn't love food?

I also like the banter between herself and Advait. It's really cute and playful, and the whole 'Commander' nickname is an adorable running gag – keep that up!

I am a little conflicted with Advait, though? His quirkiness definitely surprised me, considering that the summary described him to be someone mysterious, someone who could bore holes into people's souls by just staring. I didn't really feel that? He seems rather chirpy, in my opinion. Perhaps that is subject to change. I'm not sure – but anyways, I can't wait to see more depth in these characters as the story progresses! 

Writing Style: 2.5/5

I like the dialogue and banter, as said before, and I think the fast pace works rather well for the story. However, I do think that you have time to slow down the pace ever so slightly, and also, to add in more description – show us the setting! Don't be afraid to take us there! Use sensory imagery – sight, sound, touch. All of it can really help a reader engage with the story and characters.

Also, you do tend to have moments where there aren't quite enough dialogue tags to make it clear when someone is speaking. Make sure that it is clear to your reader when a new person is speaking, or when the person who spoke before is speaking again. I found that I had to read some parts more than once just to understand who was speaking.

Now, onto professionalism aspects, I'd suggest that you avoid using more than one punctuation mark at a time. Things like, "Let's do it!!" with more than a single punctuation mark is quite unnecessary – one exclamation mark would have sufficed.

Also, when you want to emphasise words, rather than writing, "Hellllloooooo", why don't you try emphasising it through some description? Perhaps tell us that he drew out every syllable?

Plot + Uniqueness: 3/5

Pretty hard to judge, considering there are only three chapters! I do find the grocery store setting a rather unique starting chapter, and the summary gives promise of very unique things to come. I'm excited – great work!

I also loved the symbolism of 'hamartia' that was used in the first chapter. That was a fantastic way to diverge away from the comedy and playfulness, and add touches of depth to your story. Great work!

However, I definitely think you need to slow the pace down and keep each moment purposeful. Otherwise, I'm excited to see where this goes. Best of luck! 

OVERALL SCORE: 14.5/25

Overall, a fascinating start! Just work on your punctuation, and you'll be good to go! I hope this review helps.