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Review by Sunshine: The Technologist

Story: The Technologist

Author: The_Big_Big_k

Summary: 4/5

Your summary is prey darn captivating! Well done – I love the drama, I love that you introduce the conflict and the setting, and I love the final sentence that ties it all off. I definitely think the summary needs polishing, though; some of your sentences aren't framed very well and feel quite awkward and clunky. For example, the line, "and some deaths are to be expected" – it just doesn't sound right. It sounds too formal for such a powerful and dramatic line. Don't make it obvious that there will be death. Make it implied - make the reader want to know whether there is death in the story or not. Make the reader yearn to find out themselves by reading it. But otherwise, good job! 

Grammar: 2/5

I'm going to start by saying that your punctuation, in particular, needs work. There were so many minor errors scattered throughout the story – not enough to be cringey, but enough to disrupt the fluency of the story and make it less clear. So, starting with the basics:

In dialogue, make sure there are no spaces between the opening inverted commas and the word following it. For example:

" I think I did, Garry."

That sentence above is incorrect. It should be:

"I think I did, Garry."

Make sure capital letters are only at the beginning of sentences (excluding proper nouns). So, for example:

"In the boardroom and It's about the new robot creation, sir."

The sentence above is inaccurate. It should be:

"In the boardroom, and it's about the new robot creation, sir." Or, it could be, "In the boardroom. It's about the new robot creation, sir."

Make sure there is always punctuation before the closing inverted commas at the end of dialogue. For example:

"Shut up, Men" I cut him off.

This is inaccurate. It should be:

"Shut up, Men," I said, cutting him off.

Another important note about punctuation: if dialogue is followed by a verbal tag (such as "he said", "he murmured" or anything involving speech), the dialogue ends with a comma. If it is followed by anything else, it ends with a period. So, for example:

"Don't try, Ericsson. Do it." I said.

This is inaccurate. Since the 'I said' is a verbal tag, it should be:

"Don't try, Ericsson. Do it," I said.

In general, I recommend getting a fresh set of eyes to read over your story and pinpoint all these little errors. I also suggest reading the story aloud to see when a comma is appropriate. Whenever you pause for the sentence to make sense, make sure there is punctuation that signifies that pause. And if it is a longer pause, make sure the punctuation is stronger to represent that. 

Character Building: 3.5/5

I'm going to start by saying I am liking the dialogue! It feels realistic and formal, and it suits the setting of the story. It's always engaging and easy to follow.

Another thing I adored was Green's snarky attitude. I like the contrast between him and Garry. And I like how you slowly introduced even more characters, and each interaction juxtaposes the last. I like the formality of the business meeting, and I liked how it contrasted the heartfelt moment between Jacob and his mother, and then the way that contrasted the cheeky-sneaky behaviour that Jacob and Vicki indulge in when they enter the lecture. Then we had even more juxtaposition with the introduction of Sizelle and Petrick – and I have to say, you've done a good job and making sure each character has their own distinct voice! Well done.

But let's go back to that heartfelt moment between Jacob and his mother. It was very touching, but it felt almost rushed. Draw those tender moments out more! Feel free to describe how the mother is faring in both her looks, her voice, her smell – everything! Are her cheekbones hollowed? Is her voice nothing but a raspy croak? Make the reader's heart bleed for her – it'll help us connect with Jacob even more.

Which leads me onto my next point: feeling the connection between the reader and the character. It's lacking. And I think it's because there isn't enough description.

Let's look back at when Green has a head ache. Describe it more! What did it feel like? Was it a dull throb in his head? Did it feel like a nail was jammed at the back of his head? Describe it for us so that we can feel the pain ourselves, so that we can truly connect with the characters. More about description comes below. But, otherwise, pretty good job here! 

Writing Style: 3/5

I'm going to start by saying that you have some great moments of showing not telling. For example, when Jacob described the constricting of his heart and the tingling of his throat when he was about to cry. Please keep that sort of wonderful imagery coming! Those were my favourite moments.

A lot of your story is heavily driven by dialogue – which is fine, since you're good at it. But you need some description to counterbalance all of that. Most of the time, there is minimal description of the setting – for all I know, the entire story could be set in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Sure, the reader can make some assumptions, but it's your job as the author to help provoke these assumptions by providing some descriptions.

And your best friend should be your senses. Imagine yourself in that setting, and don't just write down how it looks. Write down the sounds in that environment. Write down the smell of that environment. Then weave those into your story.

You do describe clothes quite a bit, which struck me as odd because the clothing wasn't very relevant most of the time. Please make your descriptions purposeful when you do use them – don't keep describing the clothes. Describe more meaningful things, things that convey mood and tone and help contribute to who the character is. Sometimes it's good, like when you ensure it is outlined how everyone is wearing suits, but don't just focus on clothes. Go further. Facial features. Smells. Sounds of their voices.

Another thing I'm not feeling too confident about is the way the flashbacks are introduced. By saying "FLASHBACK" before the flashback, the writing feels less professional. I suggest having flashbacks on a separate chapter and then title the chapters the date of that flashback. For example, in the present, the chapter would be called "June, 2254", whereas in a chapter with a flashback, title it "June, 2244" or something along those lines. There are other ways to do it, such as a count-down method or even simple titles like "Before" and "After" – try taking a bold and creative choice! 

Plot + Originality: 4/5

I do love the way you're stepping us into the future and showing the advances of technology! I love the whole concept – it feels rather realistic, actually. Well done on that! It's certainly like no other idea I've seen before.

Just be wary: not everyone knows your world and story as well as you do. You need to slow down the pace so the reader can ease themselves into this new setting. Don't just be like "oh a hologram diary" – make sure you describe what it looks like so the readers can let it all sink it. Don't brush over those fine details – those details are what make your story unique, after all! 

OVERALL SCORE: 16.5/25

Overall, you've got a wonderful concept propelling you forward and some interesting characters, too! I suggest slowing down the pace and taking time to flesh out those descriptions, as well as brushing up your basic punctuation rules. Hope this helps!