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Review by Sunshine: Golden Boys

Review by Sunshine: Golden Boys

Author: wildestyouth

Summary: [NO SCORE – WILL NOT BE INCLUDED IN FINAL SCORE]

I decided not to score the summary because I didn't know how to score it. I know a traditionalist would probably give this a low score, because it doesn't really introduce much of the plot and is really ambiguous. But I have a feeling you weren't going for a traditional summary. You were going for an aesthetic one, which is really popular on Wattpad. And since that's an intentional choice, along with having all of it uncapitalized, I really don't know how to score it. Sorry about that!

I will say that, though, it is captivating in its own enchanting way. Some people may be drawn to it, some people may not be. It's very much a subjective thing.

Grammar: 4.5/5

Pretty much perfect! I didn't catch any slips, and you very obviously know your grammar and punctuation rules. Well done! There was just one small thing I noted, and that had to do with semicolons. Sometimes you used them correctly, sometimes you didn't. A semicolon is used to separate two clauses that can work perfectly as sentences on their own, but are strongly intertwined. I've been told that a semicolon is even a good replacement for the word 'because' or 'so'. So let's take a look at some examples, shall we?

"Four silent boys witness the event; Elijah Grayson, Johnny Westham..."

In this case, a semicolon is not appropriate. Following it is a list, and we use colons to indicate the start of a list. So it should be:

"Four silent boys witness the event: Elijah Grayson, Johnny Westham..."

Another example is:

"... and it was so close that it was impossible to miss; St Jude's All Girls Boarding School."

Again, I think a colon would be more appropriate because you've just described it and now you're stating what it is. The "St Jude's All Girls Boarding School" cannot survive as a sentence on its own.

But, an accurate use of semicolon you have utilised is:

"Someone squealed but I ignored it; my eyes never wavered from the prize."

This is a great example of semicolon used well. The two clauses work as sentences on their own, and they are strongly interrelated. He ignored the squeal because he never lets his eyes waver from his prize. It works well.

But overall, well done with keeping everything polished!

Character Building: 5/5

Love. Love. Love.

Each character introduced as a narrator has their own distinct voice. While I can safely say they all border philosophical at times, it's nice to see the amount of sensitivity and depth you've but into every character. I love the way they show and don't tell, I love their interactions with one another, I love the juxtaposition between their thoughtful tendencies and their blunt little quips – characterisation has been handled masterfully.

I love that each character has more to offer, and I love the way you slowly build on that. The integration of Ryder's backstory was great, and it's clear that Elijah may or may not have feelings for another golden boy (unless I'm interpreting things wrong). But I like that you keep things subtle. Very well done.

In particular, I loved the moments in italics where the narrator would snap out of their conversational tone and almost taunt themselves. For example, the 'This is what you are. This is what you've become' from Ryder, and the 'Impress them! Impress her!' from Chase. They were woven in beautifully.

I really don't have much to say. Dialogue is excellent, narration is excellent, descriptions of characters are excellent. Well done.

Writing Style: 4.5/5

Your writing itself is masterfully aesthetic, and captures that same poetic and enchanting voice that we saw in your little summary. I mostly have only praise to give here. You manipulate sentence structures wonderfully, and I love the way you juxtapose those longer paragraphs with short, snappy, one-sentence paragraphs or one-word sentences.

Your story is fluent and cohesive, and I love the philosophical undertones that help propel the story forwards. You also have a nice, dramatic flair to every chapter, which I love. And your description! It's so wonderful to read. You use the senses beautifully, from sound, to touch, to scent. Well done! And your vocabulary is very extensive, so wonderful work there.

The only thing that I felt broke the fluency was the snapshots into Ryder's past. The past was written in present tense, while the actual present was written in past tense. While the contrast is there, it definitely did my head in, because the present tense utilisation can also indicate dreams or prophetic glances at the future (which, I worked out quickly, was not the case for your story). Most of your readers seemed fine with it, but it did interrupt the flow for me.

My suggestion? Consider using past tense for those flashbacks by utilising the past participle. "She had been..., he had cried...", or even consider having those flashbacks on a separate chapter from what is happening in the present. Then you can title those chapters "Before", or something. Just a suggestion!

Plot + Originality: 4/5

This was pretty hard to judge because I have absolutely no idea where this story is about to take me. I don't really have an overall impression of the plot. But I will say that, thus far, the writing is wonderful and is constantly making me ask questions – which is great! Your writing is very clever in that you give little breadcrumbs of information, but never enough to leave the reader satisfied. And your integration of Ryder's backstory was a very interesting addition to the plot, as it added a more original and fragmented structure to the overall storyline.

The only real critique I have is that some parts felt a little glazed over. Particularly after Ryder met Kavya and then went to find his friends. Your description of the friends was wonderful, but I felt a bit detached because I didn't know enough. For example, I couldn't work out whether Vincent and Chase were unconscious or not just because Ryder didn't make a comment about them.

Which leads me onto my next point: the fragmentation. You tell the story from multiple perspectives and it's handled well, but it means we don't see a lot. We don't see what Vincent told Chase, we don't see what was happening while Ryder was talking to Kavya. And that, while it can make the story intriguing, can also make the story disconcerting.

Because I want to know what happened. I want to see how all the stories intertwine.

But otherwise, you've done a great job!

OVERALL SCORE: 18/20

Overall, a great piece in the making! You have a true gift when it comes to writing and weaving in those literary devices. I hope this review helps!