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Review by Painite: Hidden

Title: Hidden

Author: rantytings

WARNING: BLUNT CRITIQUE AT WORK.

Summary/Blurb: 1.5/5

While I liked the way you wrote the synopsis about Mia, to be honest, the father abusing the MC, the depression, the transferring of schools, and the bad boy are kinda cliché.

Also, the part where you stated that you "suck at summaries, so just read," is kinda forceful, and it'll turn off potential readers.

When writing a summary, one should be mindful of potential spoilers. You wouldn't want the readers to know about your entire plot just by reading the blurb, don't you? I suggest you change this one.

Description: 2.2/5

The usage of words are nice and all, but pretty plain. Also, I noticed that you tend to use so many 'I's in a single paragraph. You can just link them together, you know. Too many 'I's can be the cause of redundancy.

Also, about Jacob... Why does the call have to sound like a dialogue from a script? Even Jacob himself doesn't do anything, and I'm having a hard time imagining his actions.

Also, the 'note the sarcasm' part in chapter one shouldn't be in bold, because it'll rob the attention of the readers. They're gonna skip the rest to find out what's written.

Grammar: 2/5

There are some commas missing, and the result of this is a run-on sentence. How to find them? Read your story aloud and if you're catching your breath once you reach the next period, then voilà! You discovered a run-on sentence—in need of a comma.

For example: 

'Grabbing my things I crept down the stairs quietly. Fearing I'd wake him up.'

This is wrong. Why is there a period there? A comma is more appropriate, right?

'After grabbing my things, I crept down the stairs quietly, fearing I'd wake my dreaded father up.'

Well... It sounds better. 

"This.Is.What.Happens. When.You.Disobey.Me."

*Where are the spaces between the periods?

*And when you stated that the father screamed, wouldn't it be more appropriate if you placed an exclamation point? [!] 

Also, the tenses are all messed up. First, you used past tense, then you suddenly you converted to present tense. You should choose only one.

For example, you started with: 

"I woke up to the sound of..." [past tense]

But then it suddenly became: 

"He stops as black dots cloud my vision..." [present tense]

(See what I meant by tenses clashing?) 

Characterization: 1.5/5

In here, you do a lot of telling, and very little showing. The depression part isn't that harsh, and Mia is getting depressed over a phone.

She doesn't have to stutter every single word when she's around Jacob, because it's kinda annoying when that happens.

And about Jacob's character, is he the bad boy you're talking about? Cussing and being a snob isn't really enough to define him as a bad boy. It kinda makes him a jerk.

And also, why does Mia have to faint so conveniently? This affects realism, you know. No one just faints like that, and then doesn't get their face squashed by the hardness of the floor. Fainting hurts, you know.

I don't know the father's name. Is he really that unnecessary to the story? And what about their surnames, and their age? This is an important element here.

Plot: 2/5

I only have very little to say in this part, since I still think that I've seen so many scenes with these bad boy, abuse, transfer, and depression. Just hoping that there's a sudden twist here that will hopefully separate it from the cliché world.

Realism: 1.5/5

I have an issue with the fainting part. Please don't do that, okay? Fainting like that isn't good. It's abnormal.

And with the depression part. I don't think you're doing it right. The vibes filled with depressing thoughts can't be felt, and you don't even give readers time to dwell and poke around inside Mia's mind. These kinds of things need extensive showing, or else the readers will never he able to relate. Use more sensory images to support your storyline, okay? 

Overall Score: 10.7/30

Hello, this is your chosen critique, Painite! Thank you for choosing me, and I'm sorry for being blunt on you. These are just my honest opinions, and if you have something to say, just comment inline or something!

Please be reminded that this review is purely subjective and can vary from a different person's perspective. So keep an open mind and type on.

NOTE FROM SUNSHINE: 

Building on from what our lovely reviewer Painite said, I think it's best you do some research if you're going to incorporate elements of depression and abuse. Sometimes, stories can accidentally romanticise mental illness - which is absolutely not what we want. The best way to counter this risk is to do thorough research rather than drawing from stereotypes. :)