Sapphire's Review Store 💙

Review by Sunshine: Northwoods

Title: Northwoods

Author: NathanRound

Summary: 3.5/5

Some great things happening in your summary! I really loved that you ended with a rhetorical question, and I was definitely captivated by the end and desperate to turn the pages and learn the answers for myself. So well done! Overall, this is an effective summary. Just a few quick notes:

You have a very long excerpt from your story in the summary. Excerpts are fine, and you've chosen a particularly gripping one, but I think you need to condense it. It is far too long. Imagine you had a paperback version of your book – that excerpt, along with your summary, simply would not fit. And the start does drag on a bit as well. I would start it when Matt is already on the ground and maybe kick it off with:

"Matt couldn't move. Even with Riley tugging at his arm, even with the footsteps of the beast ringing sharply in his ears, even with the images of his lover being devoured..."

Not my best example, but do you get my point? It needs to be condensed and snappier.

Also, you need to refine and polish the summary. You use the word 'despite' a few too many times, you wrote 'sort' instead of 'sought', and your punctuation in the last paragraph of the excerpt needs revising. But otherwise, great job here. 

Grammar: 2.5/5

While I'm happy to see you've got some basic grammar fundamentals down, I definitely think your story needs editing and polishing. Some sentences don't really make sense, such as the sentence, "Moisture fuelling the growth of the plants that inhabited the dense forest". That, in your work, is a sentence and it didn't really lead anywhere. I think you meant "fuelled" instead of "fuelling" to make it a complete sentence.

Which leads me onto my next point: tenses. Your tenses are inconsistent. You keep switching between the past tense and present tense, which disrupts the fluency of your story. For example, in one paragraph you have:

"What is it, boy?" the man asks. [asks = present tense]

But then, in the next paragraph you have:

"Hello?" the man called out. [called out = past tense]

As shown above, the tense changed from present to past even though the story is still narrating in a linear fashion. So you need to choose one tense and stick to it.

You also need to work on punctuation before the end of dialogue. If dialogue is followed by a verbal tag (such as 'he said', 'he whispered', 'he exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma would be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). And remember, there must always be punctuation before the closing inverted commas. For example:

"Morning, Dad" Matt replied.

That is inaccurate. We need punctuation. And since the 'he replied' is a verbal tag, it should be:

"Morning, Dad," Matt replied.

And finally, semicolons. I don't think you really know how to use them accurately. A semicolon is used to separate two clauses that can work perfectly as sentences on their own, but are strongly intertwined. I've been told that a semicolon is even a good replacement for the word 'because' or 'so' in some instances. Now, you have written:

"What was very peculiar was the fact that the environment had no colour whatsoever, just blacks; and whites."

You have a semicolon are the word 'blacks', which is inaccurate. A semicolon separates two sentences that can also function as independent sentences. "And whites" cannot function as a sentence on its own. I would change it to:

"What was very peculiar was the fact that the environment had no colour whatsoever – just blacks and whites." 

Character Building: 3/5

Pretty good stuff happening here with characters! I am loving the dialogue – it is realistic, engaging and sometimes even serves as a bit of comedy to contrast the darker themes of the story. There were some very clear character traits that seemed effective and purposeful – such as Matt's Dad and his protectiveness (that last chapter had me wondering whether he is hiding something!), and Joel as a quirky little side character. But most characters, in general, need work.

The biggest problem was that you introduced too many at once. In the first chapter, you introduced: Dean, Bob, Matt, Matt's Dad, Joel, Riley and Emily. And you also name-dropped Phill and Lesley. That's a total of nine names for a reader to remember in a single chapter – which is far too much and can actually detach a reader. I recommend slowing it down and keeping the interactions and name-dropping purposeful. Because them, in the next chapter, we meet even more new characters and it felt somewhat overwhelming.

And remember that your reader doesn't know your characters as well as you know them. Take time to flesh them out where you can, and add idiosyncrasies to their dialogue to make them sound different. Otherwise, solid work here. 

Writing Style: 3.5/5

First of all, wonderful use of literary devices! I'm glad you utilise things such as metaphor and personification to help ground the reader – great work on that aspect. And you've chosen to write rather descriptively, which, I'll admit, is never an easy task so well done for starting and sticking to it. Descriptive writing is hard, but when done well, it's definitely worth it. Just make sure you don't overdo it and make sure it stays purposeful to the overall story.

Also make sure you show as opposed to tell. You mostly do a good job at showing, but there are times where you slipped over to the telling side. For example, your sentence:

"She had this slightly pissed-off look on her face."

What made it seem like she was pissed off? Were her brows arched? Was her face mottled red? Arms crossed? Clenched jaw? Show us. Don't tell us.

Another thing is pace. Generally, because of your descriptive writing, the pace can be quite slow. But then when we move towards the more intense scenes with the beasts and killings, the pace escalates. That's not a bad thing – fast-pace is great for action. But I think you need to find a middle-ground between the two paces so that when things speed up, it doesn't feel so sudden or rushed.

Also, your vocabulary/language is awkwardly formal at times? Avoid using phrases like 'the fact that' because it makes it clunky, and if you're going to use longer and sophisticated words, makes sure you know how to weave them in a sentence whilst keeping it all cohesive. 

Plot + Originality: 4/5

Nice plot so far! I'm intrigued by the murders and missing cases, and now that the beast has been introduced, I can't wait to see how everything ties together. I feel like some characters may know more than they let on, which is another great way to keep a reader captivated, and the retelling of a folklore is creative – so props to you!

I also like the juxtaposition between the romance happening between Matt and Riley, and the mystery revolving around Northwood. Great choices there.

I do think the tension and drama can be shaped better. Some action scenes didn't feel quite as intense as they needed to be. It's mostly because your sentence structure is basically the same throughout the entire story. I encourage you to read different styles or writing and learn how to utilise one-sentence paragraphs effectively to keep the story snappy at times and contrast the dense paragraphs. 

OVERALL SCORE: 16.5/25

Overall, you've got a nice plot happening so far! I can't wait to see those loose ends tie together. Just make sure you revise and polish your punctuation, and keep those characters purposeful. I hope this review helps!