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Review by Sunshine: All That We Lost

Title: All That We Lost

Author: Fairwinter

Summary: 4.5/5

I'll be honest here: I think your summary is simply stunning. It's so different to the usual summary that I find myself reading – it is philosophical, a little whimsical, but also incredibly confronting in its themes. I love the concept of self-actualisation and uncovering the past, but the whole part about exploring how far the brain is willing to go to protect itself was just an amazing note to throw in there because it really intrigues the reader and makes them think.

I have to say, I am VERY excited to read on. That means that your summary is fantastic. Just a quick note, though. I'm still debating internally as to what the start of this sentence actually means:

"Along the way, she eventually learns how to use sleep paralysis, a horrifying experience, into a lucid dream that will make her realize..."

The rest of the sentence was fine, hence why I omitted it. But what about the start? Does she use sleep paralysis in the lucid dream? Does the sleep paralysis occur during the lucid dream, or is she able to manipulate it? I know how lucid dreaming and sleep paralysis tie in together (I've studied it previously), so I think you should clarify exactly what you mean in this example for readers who aren't as sure.

Otherwise, great work!

Grammar: 2/5

Okay, so this was the biggest drawback in your story, which is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it's easier to fix up technical things than overall plot things, so congratulations! But here's a few things I found:

The biggest grammatical issue you had regarded tense. You switched back from past and present, and while I understand that this may have been a purposeful decision due to the fragmented nature of your story, there were some instances where the same paragraph had two sentences in different tenses. For example, in one paragraph, you wrote:

"She heard a shriek that made her snuggle back into bed. Before she can move, a stout and short lady..."

In the above paragraph, you switched tense. Let's break it down:

"She heard a shriek..." [heard = past tense]

"Before she can move..." [can = present tense]

You need to choose a single tense and stick to it.

Next, I found a few run-on sentences here and there, as well as a few small mistakes that involve plural vs singular tense, as well as noun vs verb errors. For example:

"I can't breath."

Breath is the noun. You were looking for the word 'breathe', I believe, which is the verb. Also:

"Beads of sweat is tricking down her neck."

It should be, '... are trickling down her neck." It's not a single bead of sweat. It is multiple beads of sweat. Therefore, it should be 'are' instead of 'is'.

Also, finally, dialogue. First of all, when you do have dialogue, please make sure that the dialogue is on the same line as the dialogue tag. For example:

Dr Celina smiled and said,

"One needs caffeine if one is to see through daybreak."

That should be one paragraph. It should be:

"Dr Celina smiled and said, "One needs caffeine if one is to see through daybreak."

Additionally, if dialogue is followed by a verbal tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma separating the dialogue from the dialogue tag. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period. For example:

Delancy giggled as she touched her hair, "Yeah, it's always been like this."

That above example is incorrect. It should be:

Delancy giggled as she touched her hair. "Yeah, it's always been like this." 

Character Building: 3.5/5

Okay, so, I found Delancy's waking moment quite fascinating. As someone who is studying psychology and has looked at amnesia and memory loss, I found it fascinating that there are usually two types of responded – scrambling and panicking as the person tries to work out what is going on, or a state of absolute calm because they didn't have memories to tell them why they should be freaking out. It seems that Delancey fell into the latter category.

Additionally, I loved the moment when she said she couldn't feel anything about her mother's death (if I remember clearly). I loved how that moment contrasted with the spontaneous shot of the senses, and the vivid detail in that aspect of the writing was wonderful. Well done!

I do encourage you to give us more of the characters through the writing. You are in third person, writing in limited third person from what I gather, so don't be afraid to leak in some of the characters' thoughts into the writing. I also think that, while the fragmented nature of the story worked well with the plot, it did make it difficult to grasp characters. In moments where Delancy cries, don't just tell us that she's crying – make us feel her emotion. Let us empathise with her. Make us see what she's thinking, and make us understand exactly what the trigger behind her tears are.

Also, I think Sage's perspective was my favourite to read. It was elegant in style, and his characterisation was smooth, as well as the inclusion of his history. Well done!

Writing Style: 3/5

I really, really liked your inclusion of description! They were usually handled with sensitivity, and they never broke away from the story. They were never excessive, and often simplistic in style, which was perfect – it kept the writing purposeful and effective, and still masterfully crafted a setting in the reader's head. Good work!

However, a few tips. Your writing itself was a little hard to follow, but I think that's mostly due to the tense shifts that I pointed out in the grammar side of the story. Along with that, I thought that I'd give some tips on making your writing just that little bit more professional.

First of all, try to keep to the prose format. For example, in the scene with the interview, you reverted to the script format – meaning that there was no description, nor was there any action or tags. I recommend that you try writing that as if it was normal prose, and this will help build mood and tension with your writing. You're obviously quite good at description, so definitely use that to your advantage!

Also, be careful with accents! While I found the thick Scottish accent incredibly amusing, if we were looking at a professional story, it should still be understandable to a certain degree. You don't need to exaggerate it so much, and the reader shouldn't need the brackets afterwards for them to understand. Also, some sensitive people (not me, don't worry) might even find it a little offensive. So, yeah, be careful, yeah? 

Plot + Uniqueness: 3.5/5

I have to say that your prologue was incredibly gripping, and there was never a moment where I felt the story lacked purpose. From Diana's murder, to the weaving of the past, there was never a dry moment. Well done!

I also liked the fragmented nature of the story. I like how it went from perspective to perspective, dream to reality, past to present. But you need to make sure you keep each moment incredibly clear and understandable, as opposed to a little detaching. As you continue writing, make sure you have someone – a close friend or family perhaps – be able to clearly pick up where the chapter resumes, and make sure they're able to understand the fluency of the chapters. 

OVERALL SCORE: 16.5/25

Overall, an intriguing story with a fantastic premise! Make sure you work on your tense and fluency, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!