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Review by Nathan: Dead Minds

Title: Dead Minds

Author: SomeWierdAuthor

Reviewer: NathanRound

Summary: 3/5

Your summary is short, snappy and to the point, which is a key trait in order to draw in viewers who come across your story. You introduce the main protagonist, a snippet of his personality and traits and the turning point that leads to the main focus of the story. The short summary, and the lack of information given about the second protagonist, creates an element of mystery; in all honesty I kind of wanted to find answers to some of the questions I had. Great job there. Furthermore, I was able to gather the key themes of your novel through the last few lines alone, so well done in making them clear to the viewers.

One thing I would change however, is the way in which you structured the opening line. 'No one cared about Mark Kalle. A curious boy turned outcast by the one thing he enjoyed.' 

If it was me, I would replace the full stop with a comma instead as both sentences are strongly intertwined. 'No one cared about Mark Kalle, a curious boy turned into an outcast by the one thing he enjoyed.' In my opinion, I think the comma just makes it flow that much better. 

Furthermore, In the last line I believe the comma is in the wrong place. Here is how I would have written it. "Follow Mark as he descends into madness, while being stalked by a girl with a crazy obsession." Does that flow better? Play around with your summary if need be.

Grammar: 3/5

Your work can be read smoothly as any mistakes made generally go unnoticed. I feel as if you do go a little overboard with your commas. Don't worry, I'm sure when you edit your work these errors will be addressed.

This line here: 'It's just her, and a woman, lying face up in front of her, neck cut wide open, eyes as black and plain as coal, a knife sticking out of her' doesn't need all these commas.

Instead it should look a little more like this: 'It's just her and a woman lying face up in front of her. Her neck is cut wide open, her eyes are as black and plain as coal and a knife sticks out of her.'

The same can be said for the line 'The police walk towards her and gently grab her, escorting her outside of the restaurant, and helping her into one of the cars.'

Remove the comma in that last line. 'The police walk towards her and gently grab her, escorting her outside of the restaurant and helping her into one of the cars.'

I also feel a little iffy about the use of the present tense, and that's mainly because you reference past events in the past tense (I know, how else would you reference past events). However, that's just me as a reader so don't worry too much about that. But I myself would prefer the use of the past tense as it just sounds that much more professional.  

Character Building: 2/5

Because there are only two chapters in your story, there isn't a fat lot a can say about character building. To my knowledge, you have only introduced three characters so far and the two chapters aren't exactly enough to give the characters a unique personality. However, judging by the way Mark is portrayed, he is very much an introvert, silently drifting through life and doing his own little thing without the care of judging eyes.

I'm sorry I couldn't say anymore, for there are only two chapters in your story.

Writing Style: 3/5

There are a few good things going on here, you don't seem to wonder off and ramble about things that aren't relevant to the plot which is great; you are straight to the point and focus on building a narrative that flows in a continuous fashion. Unfortunately, you seem to fall victim to telling as opposed to showing. Let me explain this with an example. 

'He was mostly shunned by his peers because of his curious mind. He lived under a rock. Everyone thought. "Who is this guy? He's a fucking wierdo."'

Although your story is in the third person perspective, it's still very much being told through Marks eyes (In Chapter one at least). Therefore, it's impossible for Mark to know exactly what everyone thinks of him. Show us why everyone avoids him like the plague, or why everyone thinks less of him. One example that springs to my mind is that maybe a group of pupil's sneers at him as he walks past. Or maybe Mark hears the faint chatter of another group of pupils behind his back, and perhaps one makes a sly comment about him.

The pace of the story is a little off at times as well. Try and slow it down at some points, don't be afraid to delve into detail as I feel that you gloss over quite a few things in your story.

Plot + Uniqueness: 3/5

Again, because there are only two chapters there isn't a lot I can say about this point. I'm given the impression that the works of Stephen King have served as an inspiration for your story. The themes of madness, death and obsession definitely show up a lot in his novels and I can see the parallels between your story and his. So far, your novel is shaping up nicely in terms of the plot. If this girl does have an obsession with Mark, the kid below everyone's radar, then that is pretty unique. Usually crazy stalkers are portrayed as pursuing the popular prince charming or the beautiful brunette that all guys fall for so I'm glad you fled from the crowd. 

The antagonist of the story however, is a bit cliché in the way she acts.

OVERALL SCORE: 14/25

Your novel is up to a good start: just sort out your tenses, fix those pesky grammatical errors and show as opposed to tell. I hope this review has proved helpful and aided you in the improvement of your story.