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Review by Sunshine: Cinderella

Review by Sunshine: Cinderella

Author: LillyMHenderson

Summary: 3/5

I think your summary shows an incredibly strong opening. It introduces the protagonist, it shows the resemblance to Cinderella, and it ties it all together with a promising rhetorical question. I already have a soft spot for Tessa, we can already see what drives her as a character, and you even managed to introduce Paul in a fluent manner – well done!

However, I feel like I'm missing the second half of a summary. What is the conflict? What is the problem that Tessa will find herself facing? When you say, "Nothing stands in her way of a Happy Ever After. Right?" – Is there more to it? Is it 'Wrong', perhaps? You need to tell the reader what, exactly, will lead to the climax of your story. What will stop her from having this happy ever after? Make us want to read to see if this happy ever after happens! Make us worry! 

Grammar: 4/5

I was very impressed at how polished your work was! I didn't catch many things and, believe me, I'm usually very picky when it comes to this. There were a few things I found, but it was nothing major and nothing that was excessively consistent. Nonetheless, let's go through them.

First of all, when there is dialogue, each character gets a separate paragraph for their dialogue. For the most part, you stuck by this rule, so well done! There were, however, a few instances when I caught two characters speaking in a single paragraph. For example:

"Sam, more!" Max demands. I shake my head and smile, and then kiss the twins on their heads before I turn to my brother. "Morning, Sam!"

It should be:

"Sam, more!" Max demands.

I shake my head and smile, and then kiss the twins on their heads before I turn to my brother. "Morning, Sam!"

Another thing I noted was that you capitalised words even when they weren't proper nouns or the start of sentences. You have to be careful when it comes to capitalising the first letter of words – this should only be done if it's the start of a sentence, or if the word is a proper noun. For example:

"He's off to College..."

'College' on its own is not a proper noun. However, if you were saying something like:

"He's off the Cambridge College...."

Then it would be appropriate to capitalise the word 'college', since it is part of the name of the college. Another example:

"Sesame Street is still fascinating for Eighteen-year-olds."

Again, the word 'eighteen' is not a proper noun in that instance. It should simply be:

"Sesame Street is still fascinating for eighteen-year-olds."

Otherwise, fantastic work at keeping your work relatively clean of any grammatical errors! 

Character Building: 4.5/5

Ugh, where can I get myself a man like Paul? Someone find me a Paul. Please.

Okay, that aside, I have to say that I immediately fell in love with Tessa. She's just such a lovable protagonist – she's caring, she still has sprinkles of comedy and sarcasm in her narration, and the way she prioritises the loves of her life is something that many readers can come to admire. I respect her tenderness and motherliness, as well as her maturity. And yet, she still has flaws, and she still makes mistakes – which I love! Give yourself a pat on the back because Tessa is a great character.

Her relationship with others was also a joy to read. I love how easy the banter and dialogue was between her and Ava was – it felt very natural, and actually contributed to the plot. I simply adored Sam – my heart broke for him when he cried about not being able to remember certain aspects of his parents. In fact, overall, I found the way you wrote grief within your story amazing. It was authentic, sensitive, and realistic. Well done!

Next: Paul. Finally! A male character on Wattpad with some depth! I honestly loved the dialogue between him and Jack from time to time, because it really showed the reader than men do talk about more than just cars and sex (contrary to popular belief, apparently!). It was so refreshing to see a three-dimensional male protagonist who showed depth, love, and sensitivity. Well done!

The development of the love story between Paul and Tessa was wonderfully smooth. My only real complaint in this department is that, sometimes, when it came to what the characters were feeling, you told instead of showed in moments where it would have been more impactful to show instead of tell. But I'll get into this more in the next section. 

Writing Style: 3.5/5

I think your writing style suited the genre very well. It was quite character-driven, and did not waste time on irrelevant details. It was rather concise, but still remained fluent and easy to follow. I think you are very well attuned to the genre, so well done!

I do wonder, though, whether you could include more description? There were often moments where I thought you could have squeezed in some description of the setting – this would be incredibly beneficial when you're tyring to ground the reader and invest them into your world. It can also be great for setting up mood. For example, in the hospital setting, which can be quite an emotional experience, you can manipulate the mood by describing the setting – if someone was to make the hospital seem ominous, they would focus on the smell of death. If someone wanted to express irritation, they may describe the multitude of sounds that can help readers understand their frustration – squealing trolley wheels, hysterical babies.

Also, as I discussed above, there were moments of telling instead of showing which stopped me from truly connecting with the characters. Let's look at the following example:

"I spend the next hour sitting on the couch, crying, with feelings of regret and confusion rushing through me."

In regards to the second half of the sentence: don't just tell us that she feels regret and confusion! Describe this to us. What does it feel like? Does it feel like a sharp of glass digging into her heart? Does it feel like her stomach is churning and roiling? Perhaps her head simply aches from it all? You're in first person – you can afford to use physiological responses to your advantage. Don't be afraid to really show the rawness of their emotions.

Plot + Uniqueness: 4/5

I am really glad I spent the weekend just sitting back and reading this story. In short, it's a really good weekend read, for when you want to sit down, relax, swoon, and be swept off your feet. It's not overwhelmingly intricate, but it still has nice moments of refreshing dialogue, characters and development. I like the way it loosely references some moments from the traditional Cinderella tale, but takes an entirely modernised spin to it with very little resemblance to the actual story of Cinderella.

I will admit, the first few chapters made the story feel like a clean romance with minimal tension and conflict, which is fine. I did worry, though, that everything would be smooth sailing. Luckily, you proved me wrong – there was the drama between Sam running off, being diagnosed with diabetes, and, of course everything with Lizzie. Then, of course, there was their break-up.

The break-up was short, but I think it milked out the perfect amount of drama. It was towards the climactic end of the story, so it made sense not to drag it. The characters moved forwards, they developed, and they got their Happy Ever After – which was such a heart-warming moment, especially considering the tragic events happening in the background.

As for the epilogue? I loved it. It made me so nostalgic, simply because of the beautiful moments of symbolism, with the tattoos, for example. Also, they have children! How adorable! This was a powerful story about love and family. Well done! 

OVERALL SCORE: 19/25

Overall, a sweet read with some very heart-warming moments. Just make sure you try to squeeze in a bit more description to develop a strong mood, and you'll be good to go. I hope this helps!