Old YouTuber Stories

self conscious [ethan nestor](two)

Y/N

This was the first time I was going to leave my house in awhile. It was weird. It had been maybe a year? My job was online. I was a graphic designer so I didn't have to leave my house. I had my groceries delivered. So there was no point. Since I ran away I haven't left my house. I mostly just sewed, worked, drew fanart, and watched YouTube. There was nothing else. I was afraid if I went in public people would judge me. And even if I did want to go out I'd have to put makeup on. If not people would be able to see the scars on my neck, face, arms, legs, everywhere. But I needed to leave. Someone wanted a picture of the first ever Starbucks drawn for them. Unfortunately Google had no good images. So that meant I had to go out and take it myself. I wouldn't be out longer than twenty minutes as it was close to my house but still heading outside didn't seem like a good idea. But I needed this job.

Twenty minutes. That's all I have to last.

I got up from my computer chair getting ready. I put on a pair of skinny jeans. I slipped on a hoodie I designed. It was of Ethan and he was holding Chica. It was a chibi style. I look in the mirror running my fingers over the scars.

Do I need to put makeup on?

It's only twenty minutes. I won't talk to anyone. Not like I have since I was four. His words stilled played in my head.

I looked down at my arms. I rolled up the sleeves slightly to see all the marks. Some new from this morning other from when I was little. All the slurs raced in my mind.

Why don't you kill yourself?

You're worthless.

I understand why now your real parents didn't want you.

Your just and ugly piece of shit.

I shook my head clearing the thoughts. I knew who some of my family was. I never met them but I asked the hospital. They said the people there at my birth was Mary McLoughlin and Sean McLoughlin. Besides that they were Irish that's all I knew.

I left my bathroom grabbing my camera. I strung it around my neck. I grabbed my apartment key and left. As soon as I left the apartment. The hot LA air hit me.

I shook my head beginning to walk. I didn't make eye contact with people. I didn't speak. I just walked. I hummed silently a tune from Undertale.

A part of me is glad I left the house while most of me is scared that someone will yell at me. Judge me, saying I wasn't good enough. Adding more to the list of what I'm self conscious about myself. You know normal things. It was early in the morning so not many people were out.

Once I reached the Starbucks I took some pictures of the sign, the building, scenery, everything to make the drawing great.

I kind of want a hot cocoa.

I enter the Starbucks glad to see only one other person besides the barista. I walk up to the counter and the last greets me with a smile. "You're a new face. Must be knew. What can I get you?" She said joyfully. How could she be so happy? "A small hot chocolate." I said quietly. "Not much of a talker? Okay one small hot chocolate coming up." She said.

I moved over and waited for my drink to be made. The bell above the door rung telling you that a customer arrived.

Stay calm. It's just one more person.

I stared mindlessly at my feet. I forgot to bring my phone as I didn't think I'd be out this long. "I'll be with you in a second." The lady said. A second later she took the persons order. I couldn't help but to recognize the voice. Whoever it was moved next to me as they were waiting for there drink. I continued staring at my feet hoping they wouldn't talk to me.

"Here ya go miss." The lady said. I look up at the lady. In the corner of my eye I see blue hair but pretend to ignore it. "Thank you." I said. I grabbed the drink and passed by the person without disturbing them.

I left the Starbucks and more people started to fill the streets. My anxiety kicked in. I needed to get home.

I walked quickly to my apartment. Not bumping into anyone. As soon as I reach my apartment I put my camera on the desk deciding to do something else.

I get on my computer and decided to draw another fanart of Ethan. He's never noticed any of them before but I still enjoyed drawing them.