Truly-Madly-Deeply Assistant

The test of feelings

Happy mid-week ya'll!

My quick updates are due to the fact that I am on sick leave so enjoy my misery haha 😂

Reading the instructions on the pregnancy test made me even more anxious than I already was.

My palms were sweating as I held the huge piece of paper, trying to focus on the words as my heart rate rose by second.

I haven't had to do this in years and last time I swore that the next time I will have to do one of these, I will be anxious because I will want it to be positive. Well, right now I feel like breaking down and crying by just thinking of it turning out positive.

My period was two weeks late.

Couple days ago I started to feel the cramps and bloating and I never felt happier about that kind of pain, and the actual start of my period had me in tears of joy... that was until the next day when it just died down and since then fatigue and constant pain had me on the edge ever since.

Being intimate was not getting any better. I didn't dare to say anything to Jared, so I swallowed my pain and took it like a real woman, but more often than not, he would notice and me being silent and in denial, Jared stopped nagging me to talk, which led him to stop initiating sex.

He was back in the studio with Shannon who returned from Nepal, and the crew, getting ready for the tour so we haven't really seen each other much.

He was rehearsing until way too late in the night and I woke up way too early for my work.

But now it was Tuesday evening and Jared was due to leave on Thursday morning which gave us about a day together... kind of.

As usual, he wasn't yet home and I was determined to wait for him and since he is leaving, there was no more time for me to procrastinate. I had to know.

The last few days I was in my head, locked away, thinking about all the scenarios if I turned out to be pregnant or if not.

Me personally, I was in love with Jared; in my head we are a forever couple and if I have to be unlucky enough in my life to get accidentally pregnant, I wouldn't mind that being from Jared, whom I love deeply.

As for Jared... I knew if there is ONE thing what could end my relationship with him is me getting pregnant... and keeping the baby.

My mind was racing through nights of wondering if I would have the heart to end the pregnancy without Jared even knowing about it, so I wouldn't cause him any trouble or stress. Or would I tell him and he would support me through an abortion? Is there the slightest chance he would want the baby? Would he be mad? Should I keep the baby and just leave?

I finally pulled the device out of the box when I heard the front door close.

My head jerked up like lightning as I shoved it back into the box and into the lowest shelf, right under my sanitary products.

Looking into the mirror, I took a deep breath as I freed my hair from the bun, ruffling it up then turned to walk out of the bathroom slowly.

"Hey..." I cleared my throat as I saw Jared in the doorway hanging his jacket up. "You're back early," I smiled with mixed feelings.

"Well... I wanted to spend some time together before I leave... of course if you don't mind," he peered at me questioningly as he kicked his shoes off.

"What kind of question is that?" I asked with a nervous smile as I walked towards him.

When I said we haven't seen each other, I meant it. I only saw him sleeping in the past two days and before that something just clicked in him and started giving a cold shoulder, probably because, unintentionally, I was low-key avoided him after he was trying to make me talk about the shift in my sexual behavior and basically in my whole personality.