Bluebell Review Chamber [CLOSED]

જ Blood In My Veins જ ☾ Raaina ☽

Book Title - Blood In My Veins: An 8123 Story

Author - crimson_lipsxx

Reviewer - 08_Umm_Waraqah

Title/Cover

I came on Wattpad after I'd written my thoughts on the former cover, saw the new cover, and was like, now you're talking. This is what a cover should look like. Now, does that summarize how I feel about the current one. I think it does, but just in case you're the type that likes to have things spelt out for you (like me), I love your cover. I'm not exactly sure if it fits with the story or the genre you're writing in, but it's dark enough and mysterious enough for me not to care. And for potential readers to be captivated. So, kudos.

As for the title, I won't say it's generic, but I won't call it unique either. It doesn't give me that 'read me' vibes. Perhaps, it's because I've seen it countless times this week. I don't know. It does tie in with your story, as the name of the band the story focuses around. So, if you're absolutely okay with this title, then good for you, you may not need to change it. But if you have doubts concerning it...

Blurb

This is probably the second time in all my years on Wattpad that I'll agree with a quote or dialogue (I don't know which yours is) opening a blurb. You've done it so well, as what you've written there is original and enthralling. And you've also managed to give readers the perfect insight into your characters. At least, the ones in the band.

The rest of your blurb is good, but not great. When you remove the band thing and the singer boy, you kinda have the exact premise almost every other romance on Wattpad has. So like your title, the actual blurb falls flat. Though written well, it doesn't stir up any emotions in me, particularly not curiosity.

Perhaps this is because in the quote/dialogue/lyric, you gave us something about every member of the band, something unique. Then in the text blurb (if there's anything like this), you're talking about one girl finding love or struggling against it. I haven't read your story, and I'm not sure if it focuses on the front woman or the band, so I guess suggesting you make the blurb about each girl in the band, their journey, their struggles, blah blah and blah will be untoward. Besides, I think if the love thing had been tied to the band, then it would have been better. Like how will Carrie loving this man or not affect the band. 
Your blurb also suffers from...clunky sentencing? 
Blood in my veins, an all girl rock band, is about to get signed by an independent management studio—and embark on a journey to stardom. 

Carrie Grey, the tantalizing front woman, has protected herself from falling in love after witnessing the damage heartbreak caused her mother. When she meets the lead singer of The Maine John O'Callaghan, she comes face to face with her worst fears.

 The above is the restructured version of your blurb. I didn't do much, just tweaked some parts here and there. And it's just a suggestion. You're welcome to leave it or take it. 
Now, in the course of my reconstruction, I discovered that your blurb may have fallen flat due to the simplicity of the words used. It's okay to use simple words, but then that's if you have a banging storyline. With a storyline as... generic as yours, you'd do well to find more creative ways to weave your words together.

Chapter 1

A very interesting start to the story, I must say. Especially the 'attention-seeking stunt' part.
I couldn't really decide, though, if you write from the omniscient point of view or the third person limited—that could be me as I still find it hard to differentiate between them sometimes. But there were times I thought I viewed things from Carrie's perspective, and there were other times it felt like we had an outside narrator. Particularly, the part where the four band members are introduced.  

Truth is, asides Carrie, Cora and Nora, I can't remember the last one—oh, Juliet. So, I remember their names, but hardly any of their personalities. Except for Cora who I remember as having dagger-like eyes and being the oldest and Linda scariest. The others, plus Carrie, may as well have been one person with different names. And this is because you told us too much about them and did it at once. You should have spread their descriptions throughout the chapter. Or, better still, show us rather than tell. You have the perfect opportunity to do that in the flashback scenes and in other scenes throughout the book. That way, your characters are more memorable.
This chapter would have been perfect but for a few awkward sentences, punctuation errors, and tense switches. 

→ Original: When Juliet suggested that they ask Cora, Nora's older gothic sister, to play the drums, she could not understand why Nora refused. However when they walked into her black painted room and looked at dagger-like eyes, Carrie understood why she was so scared of her. She avoided eye contact with her at the time, but today, if Cora asked her to hide a dead body for her, she would do it in a heartbeat.
→ Problem: There are just too many pronouns in that paragraph. So much so that a reader loses track of who is who. There's also the disordered adjective. When two or more adjectives precede a noun, they are arranged a certain way. I can't remember the arrangement of the top of my head, but you can google search 'order of adjectives' to learn better. 
→ Fixed: When Juliet suggested that they ask Cora, Nora's GOTHIC ELDER SISTER, to play the drums, Carrie could not understand why Nora refused. However when they walked into Cora's black-painted room and met her dagger-like eyes, Carrie understood Nora's fear. She avoided eye contact with Cora at the time, but today, if Cora asked Carrie to hide a dead body for her, she would do it in a heartbeat. 

There are a lot of Carries and Coras still, but it's less confusing than what you have originally. I don't like 'black-painted' room, but I can't change it without disturbing your sentence structure.

→ Original: ...and contemplated how did they ever manage to pull that stunt at...
→ Fixed: ...and contemplated how they managed to pull that stunt at... 

→ Original: Cora rolled her eyes, "You talk like working..." 
→ Problem: For the most part, you have your dialogue punctuations locked down, especially when you use dialogue tags. But here, you have an action tag (an action that let's the reader know who is speaking), so you end that tag with a period (this is if the tag precedes the speech, like the one above). You do the same when the tag comes after the speech, but you end the speech with a period.
→ Fixed: Cora rolled her eyes. "You talk like working..."
Or: "You talk like working blah blah and blah." Cora rolled her eyes.

→ Original: Carrie shoots her reply. She looks to her right and sees that...
→ Problem: You switched to present tense here are in several other places in this chapter, particularly the last part.
→ Fixed: Carrie shot her reply. She looked to her right and saw that... 

The shortcomings of this chapter are not that much. I've only highlighted a few, so you'd do well to comb the chapter for more errors so you can correct them.
For a first chapter, this is quite okay. There is a bit of telling that I'll put down to the flashback. I also think Carrie noticing tiny details about the manager while singing is kinda unrealistic. I mean, she described the eyes, wisps of hair, something about sunlight.

When I saw the length of this chapter, I was sure I wouldn't read past it. By the end of the chapter, though, I was intrigued enough to scroll to the next one. Then I saw the author's note and I took to my heels. I'll advice you to maybe delete, as readers like me who hate long chapters might run.

I didn't score this review because it wasn't done in my usual style, and I didn't read much into the story to judge the plot and character development. If you were expecting a score, then I'm sorry. I think you did really good. Your story has a lot of potential. It only needs thorough editing to up there.

Yours in Writing,

Raaina Akorede Aranmolate