Bluebell Review Chamber [CLOSED]

જ Kayla Roseજ ☾Carmi☽

Book Title: KAYLA ROSE
Author:  Abigailk8
Reviewer: Read-aholic2006

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(NOTE: This review is only based on the first 9 available chapters. )

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Title: 3/5

It really isn't that impressive. You've literally just pasted the name of your protagonist across your cover. I personally don't think that three syllables would suffice—unless your minimal words are striking.

Cover: 4/5

I presume the female on the cover is Kayla. I like the simplicity of it all. A few pointers would be to increase the font size of your title and adjust the color or positioning of your name to improve visibility.

Blurb: 3/5

Your blurb is very lyrical and I love that, but you can easily strip away several unnecessary sentences to avoid redundancy. Also, regarding all your commas, I advise you to turn it down a notch. You can use full stops and dashes instead. For example: But amidst the dark clouds that populate her miserable skies, a ray of light emerges in the form of a new classmate—Fiona.

Creativity/Originality: 5/5

Anxiety. Trauma. Distrust... I've seen it all before. But I can't blame you for it. Hopefully, if I were to continue reading your story, I'd see that you have something else—something different—listed on the menu.

Plot/Flow: 6/10

Your transitions are far from smooth. In fact, I would describe your pacing as "choppy". In one moment, Kayla would be in school and then in the next, she would be in the kitchen (as in Chapter 2). Or in Chapter 4, when Kayla is presumably at home, watching a movie with the twins, but then they're all suddenly transported to school?

You also have these frustrating speed bumps that delay your plot development, such as in Chapter 9: Luca comes over the day after Kayla experiences a breakdown/panic attack, keeping her company—and then he just leaves. There was no meaningful eye contact, no significant dialogue, no recognizable shift in the atmosphere. His presence simply served no purpose. It was a mere hindrance to your plot progression. 

However, I think the way you ended Chapter 8 was clever since it sparked interest in readers as we realize that Fiona is keeping some sort of secret from Kayla.

Characters: 6/10

In terms of physical attributes, you have not once described your characters. Of course, this isn't some kind of criminal offense, but illustrating a character's appearance can certainly work in your favour. It reinforces reader-character relationships and intimacy; it allows your audience to attach a certain trait (eye colour, fashion style, vocality, quirks...) to an individual, preventing them from forgetting what your characters look like and even who they are.

Furthermore, I suggest that you introduce your characters more clearly. The first time you mentioned Kate and Lila, I thought they were the twins. And it took me quite a while to realize that Rebecca is Kayla's mom since you randomly addressed her by name.

Nonetheless, you have a handful of potentially wonderful characters. Luca perfectly fits the role of the overprotective best friend. I find him to be very sweet. However, his violent exchange with Dylan, although expected, was unnecessary. And as for Kayla. Gosh, she annoys me sometimes. I suppose I'm only being prejudice, considering the fact that I don't suffer from anxiety or severe trauma, so I can't possibly imagine what it must be like for Kayla. But there are particular moments (like when she dismisses Fiona's handshake on the first day or refuses to be her partner in their Biology project) when she makes me want to roll my eyes and groan.

And then there's the ridiculous "fight" between Kayla and Fiona. They literally went from peaceful to puerile in a matter of seconds. All Fiona had done was voice her thoughts on Madison's unacceptable behavior. There was no need for either of them to get angry. But then, in the next chapter, they just apologize and continue on as normal. To state it plainly—your dialogues are uninteresting. Don't be afraid to scoop out a few bland sentences. Remember that responses like, "Yeah," "Huh," "Mmh," are EMPTY words.

Writing style/grammar: 4/10

I could already tell from your first sentence that I'll be running into quite a few grammatical errors... comma splices, omission of full stops and essential words, flawed dialogue punctuation, spelling mistakes and your worst habit—using fragmented sentences instead of independent clauses. In all brutal honesty, it feels like I'm reading a rough draft, just these bits and pieces of what could still be an excellent story.

Also, note the following: One paragraph should be dedicated to one character only; do not divide the words of the same speaker into two or more paragraphs. Here's an example in which one person is talking to Kayla.

It would be incorrect to write: "Morning, Kay."

"I need some help with an outfit."

Rather change it to: "Morning, Kay. I need some help with an outfit."

Your writing lacks depth and emotion and your narration sounds way too stiff. You often explicitly state what is happening. For example: We're on a video chat, Lila's laying on her bed watching some K-drama while Luca exercises. This extract can be edited to read as follows: As a self-certified multi-tasker, Lila has seemingly mastered the Art of Watching K-dramas Whilst Participating in a Live Video Call, a talent she is currently showcasing. As she drones on and on about her series, my eyes wander to the corner of my screen, where I catch sight of Luca lifting weights in the background. His white tank top clings to his skin and blah blah blah. My point is that you should avoid directly spoon-feeding your readers information on everything that is occurring in your scenes.

I think the following was your best or maybe just my favourite description: Radiating joy from within, her countenance delicately teeters on the precipice of a mirthful explosion, her visage straining against the confines of happiness. 

And you have a few other beautiful similes. Your poetic writing style is captivating and unique. So I don't think you have any problem with evoking powerful images within the reader's mind; I just think you should do it more.

Genre relevance: 5/5

All that I can deduce from reading these few chapters is that this book falls under the contemporary YA genre. You have done a great job at highlighting this genre by incorporating various themes commonly associated with modern-day teenagers—friendship, anxiety, poor psychological health, self-love importance, etc.

Reading enjoyment: 5/10

One of my greatest pet peeves is grammatical errors, so having bumped into so many of them while reading was certainly not a wonderful treat. But at least your refreshing writing style and vivid imagery compensated for my dissatisfaction.

Overall thoughts and extra comments: 41/65

My final words of advice: First find the purpose of your plot and then work towards emphasizing that message. If the goal of your story is to underline the beauty of forging friendships—then you should concentrate on doing just that. Thank you for allowing me to review your story and I hope that I've been able to provide you with some helpful feedback!