Bad Decisions (bwwm) [editing]

T W E N T Y T W O

I V Y

If it's anyone I was the most loyal to it was my older sister, Iris, we talked every single day, I always would make sure everything was okay. When she died that loyalty passed over to my friends. I felt like it was my job as a promise and reparation for what I did to her, what I caused.

Almost two months ago when I got super high by accident and had to tutor Alex that was the anniversary of when I ruined my life and my family's, but today was the day I lost every bit of faith and hope in anything, today was the day I really lost her.

It like I can still hear her last breath in my ear like it was yesterday.

I feel the sun on my eyes so I should probably get up now, but since todays the official anniversary I'm giving myself the benefit of doubt. I have unhealthy habits like going on my phone first thing in the morning, but I can't help it. When I reach for my phone I'm met with a living breathing thing.

I don't have to turn my head to know who it is, but I'm also not turning my head to avoid making this all feel real.

Why is Alex in your bed Ivanna? Oh I know why because I fucked up and let him eat my fucking coochie!

I promised Leilani I was going to stay away from him and that's obviously very very hard considering i'm his tutor but the least She was asking was for me not to do anything sexual and I did just that.

I did just that.

I don't get why it's so hard for me to just listen, I'm breaking promises I just made and I never ever break promises, ever.

I finally turn to look at him and he's sleeping, part of me wants to yell at him and the other part wants to get back under that blanket and have him hold me longer and help me get through this shitty day.

When I sit all the way up Alex starts to move and wake up too, he looks at me first noticing I'm sitting up against the wall with my knees to my chest and he squints.

"Ivy what's wrong?" he asks with still a hint of sleepiness but the confusion becoming prominent.

"You have to leave, like now" I whisper, I genuinely don't want to kick him out but Leilani is going to walk in any minute with the girls and Kimani is knocked out next to Sasha and nobody else needs to know what happened.

I'd also rather avoid drama knowing that I can be self destructive and impulsive, but this time I honestly feel fragile like anything could break me and I just need space to think to myself.

"What?" He asks furrowing his brows.

"Alex I'm so serious like you need to go" I say getting the tiniest bit worried because the clock is getting closer to 5:30 when we normally wake up, however Alex just sits up.

"Ivy?" I hear Kimani and Sasha speak in sync looking my way.

Of course they were both up too.

"What's going on?" Kimani asks sitting up looking towards us.

"I don't know ask Ivy" Alex looks to me and I'm still just sitting against the wall with my knees still to my chest.

"Ivy are you okay?" Kimani asks me and I shake my head with panicky eyes, I always hate being asked if I'm okay when I'm on the verge of tears because those three words break me.

"I just need Alex to go before the girls come" I remind her trying to hide the slight shakiness in my voice.

"Are you crying?" Sasha asks, and Kimani automatically widens her eyes at his question.

"Sasha" She swats at him rolling her eyes.

"I'm just really stressed, that's all and I really need you to go" I mumble to him but he doesn't move.