Bad Decisions (bwwm) [editing]

E I G H T Y T H R E E

!!please pleaseeee read the a/n at the end of the chapter, it's important!!

song of the chapter: the beach by the neighbourhood

A L E X

Ivy and I are at the beach. I don't know how we got here. We were supposed to be getting groceries for the picnic tomorrow.

The sun is setting and we spent most of the day still watching movies.

Ivy and I did agree we'd get the food for the picnic tomorrow but on our way to the grocery store we were passing the beach and I couldn't help but want to stop and just watch the sunset with Ivy.

She hasn't cried yet today besides with the whole ring thing and I'm proud of her, but if she's just bottling it up to be strong I'd be worried.

"So are you gonna tell me why we stopped at the beach?" She asks.

"We stopped because I used to go to the beach and watch the sunset, and use it as my time to think. With the house being a beach house I used the sun sets to help with my tough days like when football was stressful or when I was completely sucking I would sit and watch the sunset and contemplate quitting" I know that last part was in no way helpful but look I'm working on my vulnerability. 

"So I'm here to watch the sunset and think about what exactly?" She asks sitting down next to me on the sand.

"Well anything, I know it's Iris's birthday and you haven't cried yet, and I'm not saying you should cry but I just go here to release stress and problems and I know it's less than two weeks before Nationals and you're definitely feeling stressed so I don't know. We've been watching movies all day and now that it's just us I want you to talk about your feelings with me" I don't know when this whole vulnerability thing happened with me but I sorta enjoy it.

"I don't think I've cried yet because I'm not sad anymore. I mean I obviously miss her so much but I think it's time that I have to move forward, I can't keep letting her death drag me down along with everything else. I mean she'll always be my sister and she'll always be with me but I'm hanging onto her and I think finally accepting that she's gone might help me out more" She's staring out at the sunset while speaking, and even though I'll never understand how she feels I'm listening and taking it in trying my best to understand.

"I also think I might just quit cheering" She adds and that's when my eyes widen.

"Ivy what?" From the moment I met her cheer was her entire life. I mean look at her room at home and her dorm? All her medals? She's talented, she has a gift that nobody else has and now she wants to quit?

"It's a lot of stress Alex, I've been stressed all my life, and honestly hanging around normal college students who don't have most of their time taken up by practice they seem happy. Maybe I just want to major in something like doctoring or law. I just don't know if I can do this anymore. This stupid flip is kicking my ass and the second I get close to nailing it I screw up then I have to start again and I-" I really wanted to do the whole listening thing but I can't listen to bullshit that's what I can't do.

"Ivy you're a quitter" This isn't the best approach but it should work.

"Huh" She finally looks away from the sunset and looks at me.

"You're a quitter, you're quitting cheer why? Because you can't do a flip? After what? Like fifteen years cheering and now you want to quit because you can't get a flip" I chuckle but not in amusement in frustration.

"That's not-" But here I am cutting her off again, that makes her madder and that's my goal.

"No it is quitting, you're a quitter Ivy, and if that's what you want to be I'm fine with that" I look away from her but she glares at me.