Second oneshot book

Writers note (Not discontinuing.)

I'm afraid this is me letting everything out... so, if you find that somehow disturbing, please, move along. Or leave a request now and I'll try to make it for you to enjoy. Thank you.

I wanted to let my feelings out and I decided to fucking publish it to let you know why I am not as active right now as I used to be. And this is so fucking funny of me to say when I'm apparently more active than most of the other fanfiction authors... I hate to use that word about me. Fanfic writer. Anyway. Like I said, I don't want anyone to see this but those who think about where I am most of the time. Here we go. (These notes were added after the fact, because it would be weird to just get into it... I wish my state got better.)

SMILE, LAUGH, LIE, REPEAT. I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE! OH HOW I LOVE TO FUCKING LAUGH, FATHER! NO, IT COULD NOT BE FAKE. OH HOW I'M FINE, STEPMOTHER! YEAH, AND MY FAILED ATTEMPTS AT HANGING MYSELF ARE THE FUCKING LIES! OH HOW I ALWAYS SMILE, CLASSMATES! YEAH, MY CRY IS ALWAYS FAKE WHEN I GIVE UP! OH HOW I FUCKING LOVE MY BODY! YES, I JUST FUCKING ATE, THAT COULD NOT BE THE LIE! OH HOW I LOVE MYSELF! IT COULDN'T BE THAT I HAVE THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF WORDS ON A LIST ABOUT THE THINGS I HATE ABOUT MYSELF! OH HOW I NEVER CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP! AND THE NOISE OF CRYING IS JUST THE RADIO! OH HOW I'M GETTING BETTER, GRANNY! COULDN'T BE THAT YOU'RE ONE OF THE ONLY PEOPLE THAT EXIST THAT MAKE ME HAPPY!

OH HOW I NEVER GET HURT BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU TELL ME STEPMOTHER! AND MY SCARS ARE FROM FUCKING ACCIDENTS! OH HOW I CARE ABOUT YOUR 'REGRET' IN NOT BEING ABLE TO HELP ME, TEACHER! YOU COULD NOT HAVE GIVEN UP ON IT! OH HOW I DON'T CARE HOW SELFISH I AM! I COULD NOT BE FEELING WORSE AND WORSE EVERY MINUTE. OH HOW I HAVE INSPIRATION! IT COULD NOT BE THAT I CANNOT FIND IT LIKE I USED TO!

OH HOW I LOVE BEING CALLED A FAGGOT! IT NEVER HURTS ME! OH HOW I LOVE GETTING INTO TERRIBLE THINGS BECAUSE OF MY GENDER! I COULD NOT WISH I WAS THE GENDER I WAS BORN AS, HOURS PER DAY!

OH HOW I DO NOT REGRET NOT STEALING THE VODKA FROM MY PARENTS ALCOHOL CABINET! I WOULD NEVER WISH TO DRINK ALL MY WORRIES AWAY! OH HOW I HAVE NO REASON FOR LOVING SPACE! IT COULD NOT BE BECAUSE IT'S SO APPEALING TO THINK THAT WE DO NOT KNOW THAT A STAR DIED BEFORE IT CANNOT BE SAVED! OH HOW I LOVE HITTING A LOW POINT! IT COULD NOT BE THAT I HATE MY LOW POINT.

OH HOW I NEVER DOUBT THE FACT THAT MY FRIENDS LIKE ME! IT COULD NOT BE THAT MY MIND TELLS ME THAT I DO SOMETHING WRONG AT EVERY FUCKING POSSIBLE MOMENT! OH HOW I LOVE WHAT I TELL MY FRIENDS! I COULD NOT WANT TO BE DIFFERENT! OH HOW I HAVE SO MANY FRIENDS! IT COULD NOT BE THAT I ONLY HAVE A COUPLE OF FRIENDS THAT I LOVE!

OH HOW I DREAM OF SO MANY THINGS! IT COULD NOT BE THAT I ONLY WANT ONE THING AND OTHER THINGS COULD NOT BE A FUCKING COVERUP! OH HOW I CAN LOOK AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR! IT COULD NOT BE THAT I'VE COVERED IT!

OH HOW I HAVE NOT FALLEN FOR SOMEONE COMPLETELY OUT OF MY LEGUE! IT COULD NOT BE THAT I FEAR LOSING HER SO MUCH THAT I FEAR TELLING HER THAT I WANT TO GO ON A DATE! OH HOW I LIKE ONE PERSON! IT COULD NOT BE THAT I AM SCARED OF GOING INTO A RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE I LIKE SO MANY PEOPLE OTHER THAN HERE!

OH HOW I LOVE LIFE, AUNT! COULD NOT BE THAT IT'S A BIG FAT LIE!

OH HOW I DO NOT FEEL PATHETIC BECAUSE I'M WRITING THIS WHILE EVERYTHING IS FALLING! IT COULD NOT BE THAT I FEEL SO SCARED OF MYSELF AND LIFE IN GENERAL THAT I WROTE THIS AND NOW I FEEL LIKE I'M NOTHING BUT PATHETIC!

OH HOW I LIKE HOW THIS IS ALL TRUE! IT COULD NOT BE THAT I WISH I COULD JUST WAKE THE FUCK UP AND FEEL GOOD ABOUT EVERYTHING AROUND ME! OH HOW I THINK THAT I DESERVE ME! IT COULD NOT BE THAT I CANNOT GO A DAY WITHOUT FEARING THAT I DISAPPOINT THEM AND THEY LEAVE ME!

COME AT ME, LETS FIGHT! I HAVE ENOUGH WRONG WITH MY HEAD FOR DAYS! DO NOT FORGET TO STAB ME WITH A FUCKING KNIFE! IT'LL BE FINE! NOBODY WOULD FUCKING CARE! I HAVE TRIED SO MANY FUCKING TIMES I CAN BARELY GET A HOLD OF A KNIFE ANYMORE! KILL ME IF YOU SEE ME, I FUCKING CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE! IT WOULD BE FUCKING PEACEFUL, NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! AND THAT, FOREVER!

I GIVE UP! I FUCKING GIVE UP!

I'VE TRIED TO DROWN, RISED TO THE SURFACE! I'VE TRIED TO HANG MYSELF, THE NOOSE DOES NOT FUCKING STAY OR I FUCKING FALL OFF IT BECAUSE IT IS NOT THIGHT ENOUGH! KNIFES ARE PRETTY MUCH IMPOSSIBLE WITH HOW MANY TIMES I'VE TRIED!

AND ALL THE SAME, I KNOW THAT ONLY I AM WORTHLESS ENOUGH TO DIE! I STAND AGAINST FUCKING SUICIDE EVERY-SINGLE-DAY! WOULDN'T THEY WANT TO SEE THAT! ONE OF THE MOST OPEN SPEAKERS AGAINST SUICIDE EKO FAILS AT SUICIDE: DOES NOT DESERVE TO FUCKING LIVE AT ALL!

ANTI-BULLYING SPEAKER EKO DESERVES ALL THE BULLING THEY GET!

(And this is why I am not as active as before. I had to censor myself at the end, apologies. It was stupid of me to write about a person using such foul language, my stepma does not deserve such a way to be spoken about. But anyway, here it is, reason I'm not as active as I would like to.)

~Eko.