Second oneshot book

Carving candles~Just Kenny, nobody else. (South Park.)

This is....... beyond what I can understand to tell. I use candle as a... way to not say 'carving skin.' Don't read if you suffer with this hell. Please, I beg.... if cutting triggers you, stay the fuck away. Don't come here, this night is just gonna be from hell. My Birthday is tomorrow....... fuck.
Warnings: Cutting and cursing.
Age: 15.
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Kenny's POV.

Maybe it's a grief, embarrassment, enjoyment of pain, a fuck you, call for attention, a hope to get helped.... just my way to show that I hate myself. Maybe now it's an addiction, I can't think fine about it enough.

Bite, burn, cut, torture, lack of blood... all of them are ways I could do it. I do them all. When you bite hard enough, it leaves a bruise. You push it, it hurts. Some people enjoy the blood, I punish with the pain. I rarely draw blood.

Funniest thing, my arms are fine other than one FUCKING scar. I did it a haze, I blame myself for it! I have hated it since forever, I hate my life, I hate me for letting my mom get to me that way. I hate locking the bathroom. I hate hearing that I was doing it for attention. Maybe I was.... if I knew, I would tell. Maybe that's why it hurts when they call me manipulative.... because this was a plan? But if I didn't manipulate with it, I'm so deep into that plan I don't fucking know about it myself. My brain did a deal and hid it from itself? I doubt.

Hey, I'm just an another needy kid with attention to seek. No skills, no great plan for the world, so I need to cut to get the recognition..... maybe they are really sure of it, maybe they know me better than I know myself. Oh 'Emo kids like hurting themselves', 'They pose, their goddamn idols are the ones putting this into their heads!' They blame the internet for the popularity, never thinking kids get meaner because of their parents. They never really know that more people know what's abusive but they were raised to not cry so they stay up the fucking night, cutting, biting, pulling at their hair.

Hell. I'm so deep into this I laugh at the times they show those people with hands and arms full of cuts. My brain says 'idiots, cut the underneath of your foot, your waist, hands are so easy to see, they're popular culture by now.' EVERYONE knows to look at the arms. IF YOU WANT TO HURT, YOUR HANDS AREN'T SENSITIVE. I recommend the underneath of the foot. Every time you step in shoes the day after, they hurt like hell.

It's like carving candles but every fucking time you try your body hurts. But that's what's wanted, ain't it? Only thing I accept in the hand is a bite, nobody knows it hurts. But I have sharp teeth, I could draw blood. And my body is desensitised to the pain. It hurts, oh it hurts.... but I don't try to pull away anymore. Mutilation is everywhere! You don't know it but those hurt, more consider hurting than you could imagine. OH I WANNA BLAME FUCKING EVERYONE! I WANNA SAY IT'S THAT PERSON CALLING ME A WHORE! I WANNA SAY IT'S MY PARENTS! I WANNA SAY IT'S MY TEACHER! I WANNA SAY IT'S MY FRIENDS! I WANNA SAY IT'S ANYONE! ANYONE BUT ME..... yet all the same, I want to say it's all me.

Nobody held me at gunpoint so I'd make these burns, nobody threatened to kill me if I didn't take those scissors.

And when they found out? My thoughts were all, 'We'll gotta hide this better.' I'm in a relationship, I'm single, hurts the same. Even if I'm a fucking 'poser' to people......
.....'you don't look like you'd cut. I don't see many cuts in your arms.' Media tells this wrong! Nobody's talking about the pain, just why you shouldn't do it. When schools talk about addictions.... is that one of the classes? N O P E. Because these sensitive PUSSIES would rather say 'please don't do it' than give five reasons why. I guess nobody fucking can. When they talk about it, they don't know what it's like. Personal experience? Does that matter?

Sure, it's traumatising. But it's something YOU NEED TO SPEAK OF. No, it's nothing you have to fucking SILENCE! PAINFUL, HUTFUL, WHAT THE FUCK ELSE YOU NON-UNDERSTANDING SPOON! Nobody know what it is unless they've been there!!!

Kyle, Wendy, Craig, Token, Sharp kids, most of them don't know shit, tell you that it's not 'logical'. I FUCKING KNOW.

Stan, Clyde, Bebe, emotional kids, they don't know what to say, they stop in their damn tracks and tell you to stop, that it's disturbing. I FUCKING KNOW.

Tweek, Craig, Red, addicted/ex-addicted people, they say they aren't that self-hating, saying it must 'hurt so damn much.' I FUCKING KNOW.

Cartman, the hateful, they fucking laugh. I'm a fucking clown on my worst to them. 'That's so funny' I FUCKING KNOW.

The teachers? 'Stop it you are disturbing the students'. I FUCKING KNOW.

But when someone who cuts sees someone else cut, they turn into a fucking mother hen. They beg to you that you don't do it, say that they know it's hard but we should reach out. I FUCKING KNOW. So do you!! I'M AS MUCH OF THIS ANYONE ELSE BUT I'm self aware! I'M A GODDAMN PUPPET AS MUCH ANYONE ELSE.

So yes. I cut. I'm not proud. Not at all. It hurts, a lot. Family, friends, you, lovers. It hurts so many people. It hurts like fucking hell. It's not fucking good for you. But it's easier to deal with. Emotional pain always fucking goes into it. It goes into those fucking hurting marks. Physical is new to none of us actually. It's just important to try to get new pains now. Nobody really knows why it is but it is. Just learn new ways to hurt yourself without scars. This is just a moment of despair in it's worst. Don't even try to pretend that you want correct help. Sad to tell you that nobody can know what happened there. Nobody fucking knows what happened to you for you to hurt. Nobody knows but some would like to have that information from you. I'm just sure someone will help when we learn the way to. Not the people hurting from this bad way of helping. Nobody has learned what's the right way but they will. The best thing to do is just to wait or help them find it. Tell them what is the wrong way to comfort you currently and how you would like it...............
........ I believe everyone has the strength to get away from this damn pain.

Stop.

I don't want to see it.

I can't save myself but I want to save the people around me.

Heh.

If that isn't everyone who knows this pain. Keep out, you don't want this.

And yet the knife slides, the heat rises, the teeth hit your skin, that food isn't eaten....

I know it all. I've done so many of them.

I would rather continue my self destructive ways that kill me than take one leap.

But hell, I don't watch out for cars. Maybe why I have two accidents under my belt.