Alpha's Troubled Love (BTS Jimin FF)

Let's talk Part 1

The duo returned to the hospital bed, Jimin having convinced her that they could talk whilst she rests. Yn takes the image from the desk with her, not asking how he was able to get his hand on it or if he knew what it was. Part of her wanted him to stay in the dark about everything, like a punishment, yet the other wanted to forgive and move on. Both sides were really irresistible and YN wondered which idea she'll choose at the end. This talk would be the final push in either direction.

Yn lay upright on the hospital bed, moving her hand slowly as to not force the needle in her to move abruptly, as Jimin sat next to her on the chair. But seeing Yn struggle, he got up to help her pull the blanket up over her legs and moved the pillow so it was directly behind her back for comfort. And as he finished he sat back down, hands moving in uneasiness as he tried to start the conversation he was dreading. He too knew this was his last chance to make things right.

"Umm.." He awkwardly sounded, cowardly hiding away from YN's eyes that stared at him. She had no intention of starting the conversation for him. Having spent so long being ignored by him when she tried to talk to him, she no longer wanted to try and reach out to him in the fear of denial. And as much as she wished to mend their relationship, there was a part of her that felt like the betrayal and suffering that she had suffered was too much of a pain to be forgiven so easily. So as much as her heart screamed to forgive him, she couldn't bring herself to listen to that.

"I know you said that you don't want to hear an apology. And I also know that apologising isn't going to return everything back to the way it used to be, but I want to try. I want to, no I am going to make it up to you and get you back willingly, no matter how many years it takes. And no matter what I have to do to get you back, I'll do it." Jimin finally spoke, voice slightly more firm and strong as he looked up into Yn's eye's.

But much to his dismay, Yn neither spoke or looked at him as he continued to plead with her to at least look at him. Yn made no move to do so, and even rolled her eyes at his speech. "Yn.." "Why?" She finally spoke as Jimin's voice withered in the silence.

Though she was hating herself for acting like this, she knew that the left over anger in her was eating away at her and needed to get it out. And Jimin having been the one who put the anger and anguish there in the first place, seemed like the likely candidate to be on the receiving end. As selfish as it sounded, she cared nothing for his feelings at this point in time.

"What?"

"I just want to know why. I don't want apologies. I don't want to you to promise me the world. I just want to know why." She didn't want anything else but a proper explanation. She wanted to know why he acted the way he did. Why he ignored every move she tried to make. Why he chose work over her. Why he not even once asked how she was when she was clearly suffering. And why he constantly lied to her. All she wanted were answers.

"No." Jimin replied almost instantly, much to the surprised of YN. "W-what? What do you mean no?" Yn questioned, brows furrowed in disbelief and body barely holding back the urge to throw hands. "I'm giving you a chance to-"

"I ignored you for over a month and refused to listen to you for reasons that I will discuss. But the one that needs to talk isn't me, it's you."

"What?" 

"I want you to chew me out Yn. Let me hear and feel the pain you had hidden over the course of the numerous weeks. I will answer all your questions. I won't run. But right now, the one who needs to talk the most is you. Not me. Let me do the one thing I didn't do all those times that I should have listen to, instead of ignore. Let me be the companion that I couldn't be and lessen the hatred in you, even just a little bit before I reveal everything and give you the answers you sought after."

And without anymore encouragement, like the raging rivers of a broken dam, Yn let it all out. She screamed and cried out the fears, loneliness, abandonment and uselessness she felt all those weeks without him beside her. How her heart sank, instead of elated, when she saw the positive on the pregnancy. How she felt like she was leeching off Roxy and Yoongi, making them hold the burden of everything because she knew she would drown in sorrow if she held it in. And how in the course of 6 weeks, she wanted nothing more than to run away from her life and finally be left to rest.

The darkness and shadow that had drowned her into the depths of no return were all revealed as she delivered a small punch to Jimin's chest for every time she felt like not waking up. For every time she had cried herself to sleep, huddling her stomach that held the greatest gift in life, yet was at that time the thing that caused the most pain.  For every time she dug her own nails in to her skin as a punishment for blaming the embryo in her womb and wanting to take her anger out on it, when it had done nothing wrong and was in fact keeping her going. And for every time she had found herself waiting up for him to come home, wanting to break the news to him, to later find herself having fallen asleep out of exhaustion.

She spat and cursed at him, hitting him constantly - even though she couldn't bring herself to do it as hard as she wished to - blubbering through her ragged breaths not leaving a single ounce of her worries and thoughts. She made sure he knew every dark thought that went through her mind. And made sure she told him how much she hated herself when she woke up every morning seeing her bump grow and yet the person who cause it knew nothing about it. She ensured that each spec of her emotions flowed through to him, both in the bond and out of her mouth. She made sure he understood that he knew how broken she had become. And made sure to tell him despite everything he did, she couldn't bring herself to fully despise him. That the love she felt for him was still fresh in her mind and she still, despite everything, loved him. And she hated herself for it. 

"I love you. I love you so much... And I hate myself for it. I hate that no matter how much my mind tells me that I should let you go, I want to ignore it. Burn the thought even though I know that holding on would only hurt me more. That holding on will only make me taint the happy memories we had. That holding on will make me crazy to the point of no return. I know that. I know it so well. But why can't I just bring myself to let you go? Just why?" 

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Thanks for reading!

I'll try and get the next chapter up soon but I'm babysitting my niece and nephew so... Don't know when that'll be.

EDIT: I thought I pressed publish but it didn't upload!! I'm so sorry!! *Bows her head in repentance*